Holiday in Holladay

It seems as the years go by and I get older Christmas means less and less. Ten years ago I would still be awake, completely unable to sleep out of excitement. Now I'm still awake with back pain and zero excitement. Life unfortunately changes as we grow and we lose some of it's simplest joys. I've spent some time pondering on why this is and I've come to a conclusion. As children the world is a complete mystery, an ocean of possibility. As we age that ocean becomes a lake, that lake becomes a pond, and finally all that is left is a puddle. When your ten years old there is nothing more important or cooler than that new bike Santa brought you. Not because your egocentric, but because at ten years old that bike is going to take you places you've never seen. And when you get that car when you turn sixteen, that car is going to give you a freedom that you've been dreaming of for years. Then, less than five years later, the world doesn't seem so mysterious anymore, and that car doesn't seem to have that same feeling of freedom when you first drove it. We seem to get jaded and its harder and harder to be just happy. So this Christmas, take a step back and think what or who really brings that simple happiness into your life and cherish them.

Forgotten Yesterdays

I seem to be so forgetful these days. Its like I turned 20 and there went half my brain's capacity to remember. I have a hard time remember to call friends or to meet friends or to make credit card payments or to even eat food. I tend to make plans with people and forget about them completely. I fall asleep early (except for this evening) I wake up 9 hours later. I go grocery shopping with my parents. I parent my little sisters, I make them dinner, tuck them in, and usually pick at leas one of them up from school. Now don't take this the wrong way, because I love doing all this stuff and I really love being in there lives, it just makes me feel so old. I really feel middle aged. Its like I'm in my forty's or something. I even drive like an old person! Whats happening. I need to start spending more time with some youthful and outgoing kids. I literally spent the evening doing a 1000 piece puzzle with a friend while we watched It's a Wonderful Life. I'm like a grandma! And yet, I enjoy all of it... well except the forgetting stuff. That's just annoying. If I'm like this now, what am I going to be like at the age of 30? Oh goodness, the next decade of my life should be interesting.

bad friend. angry sister. high school crush. not funny.

Helped a friend. Played with a friend. Ate soup. Played with more friends. Forgot a friend. Lost my temper. Got hit on by a friend. Got hit by a friend. Made someone laugh. Got offended. Played leapfrog. Went for a drive. Laughed a lot. Felt old. Regretted a mistake. Saw a deer. Offended someone. Made someone smile. Took a test. Ate mexican food. Snuggled with a blanket. Felt young. Slept. Drank a slurpee. Had a Big Pop. Wrote an email. Wrote another. Updated my blog. Watched some football. Proud of someone. Disappointed in someone else. Sang a primary song. Played the piano. Smiled. Frowned. The End.

stop and stare

Today was a good day. It feels good to be home. It makes me feel like not so much time has past away, even though its passing by faster than ever. I spent some time with my two little sisters and I can't believe how grown up they're getting. Moriya is more a teenager than ever with more attitude and agnst than any emo boy I've ever met. I love her to pieces but the girl just needs an attitude adjustment half the time, than again, maybe I was like that too. I suppose it is easy to judge now that I'm not 13 anymore. Lia is acting like such a grown up. I took her to the library today to check out some books. They had books for sale that didn't get checked out often or were just really damaged. It was only like a quarter a book, so I asked her if she wanted one. I had her read the first page of a Nancy Drew book aloud to see if the book would be too difficult for her. Before she even started I took a quick glance over the page and knew there would be no way she could read it, but the book was in her hands and I thought I mine as well let her try. My jaw dropped as she began to read the first paragraph. She didn't stumble at all. She didn't even read slowly to sound out the words. She got stuck on a few, but they were difficult words (I didn't know what a portico was when I was 9 either.) I was amazed. She is still my same baby sister, but she is getting so grown up.

For some reason I felt as though today had an underlying meaning. All day I felt like the outcome of it would have some lasting effect. I still don't understand it. I didn't do anything out of the norm. I went shopping, watched a movie, went shopping again, and watched a movie again. But something felt epic about it, like those parts in movies where everyone who is watching sees the fatal, oblivious flaw that I made. I can see them all through the screen just shaking their heads at me. I could feel it all day. And then, when I left my friends house and ran to my car in the 38 degree weather, I could feel it again. In flip flops, pajama pants, and a hoodie, I had to, just like in the movies, look up at the stars and just stop and stare.

Just rambling now...

Suddenly I feel as though my life went from a stress level of like 10.5 to 0.5 in just a matter of weeks. Everything that I was so worried about and stressed about all just melted away. I sold my apartment contract. I sent my transcripts to SLCC, I finished orientation. I aced my huge test. I'm finishing my final project for JCOM 2010, I got the gas bill and the utility bill out of my name. I quit both of my jobs (to move of course), I'm not worried about money, I'm not stressed about church, my life isn't crazy busy, in fact it’s rather dull. What a 180. And yet, I haven't had any stress for the past few days and I already feel a little bored. Maybe stress is good for you. A necessary part of life that brings a whole lot of trouble and strife, but not without reward. This May I'll have been out of high school for 2 full years and in those two years, I didn't stay in one place for more than six or seven months. That’s kind of sad. I feel like I just want to keep picking up and moving and starting over. It’s not like I mess things up (well at least not all the time), I just like change. It’s not that I love change, I'm just willing to change as much as I need to until I'm happy, and right now I feel like constant moving and change is keeping me as happy as I can be for the time. The next year is going to be really exciting. I can feel it.

Last Sunday in church a member of the stake presidency got up and talked about LAC's (Life Altering Choices) I tuned most of it out because I knew ultimately it was going to lead to marriage... which is the most lame topic and yet the most common topic in a singles ward. Fortunately he did deviate and talk about more than just marriage so I tuned in a bit more. He talked about how there are these huge choices we make that alter are lives forever, and we make this choices so quickly and with so little thought. Like deciding to go here or there for school, deciding to drop out of school, or just not go to school all together. Now I think these types of LAC's are pretty obvious and clearly life altering. I think something even more important than LAC's is the LELAC's :D totally made up that acronym (Little Everyday Life Altering Choices) Like, I'm going to go to class today, or I'm going to ready my scriptures, or I'm going to just be happy today. These are the choices that have a profound impact and are most definitely life altering and yet we tend to not think of them because they really are all so small. But then I suppose all of life’s choices are life altering in a little way. But some little choices are life altering in a Big way.

dance.

institute dances are awkward and awesome all at the same time. i love watching people. you can always tell who is just too cool to let go and just dance. i was definitely one of those people until i realized that if your the person that is just dancing like crazy, your the one having more fun. so here is my note of advice for the day. if your going to dance, dance. don't half it like your afraid. no matter how bad you are, if you commit, nobody cares. and usually nobody is looking. so next time you are at one of those awesomely bad dances where the dj should be working in a retirement home, let loose, put your arms in the air, and just dance.

Six questions about my bed and you know me?

What My Bed Says About Me

• Outward appearances are very important to you. You do your best to look good and have an attractive home.
• You are an organized and disciplined person. You do the right thing because you want to, not because people expect you to.
• You are not very high maintenance in general, but you are high maintenance about a few things.
• In relationships, you tend to kick back and let the other person be in charge.
• You tend to be a down to earth, practical person.
• You think in terms of what is actual.You are a bit of a homebody, but you can also make yourself at home anywhere.
  

What Does Your Bed Say About You?

!WaRnInG!

If your going to take it, do it before reading the following.

So I confess, I was reading a friends blog and I happened to stumble upon this survey she took and then blogged about. So I'm totally stealing blogging material here, but whats new? (Thanks Michelle :) So this survey I took was really interesting. There were 6 questions, 4 having 3 choices, and 2 only having 2 choices, which comes upon a total of 56 different specifications(if I know how to do math) of what your bed says about you. Now granted, that number refers to the specification as a whole, not each individual bullet. What I find interesting is that all the bullets seem to hit me right on. Not a few right a few wrong and some completely out there, but they all seem to be me, unfortunately (because some of the stuff isn't very awesome lets be honest.) So I though I would investigate for you all a little bit, kind of me right? (FYI Last chance to take the survey before I completely ruin it for you. FYI) So I went back and took the survey again, making sure to choose different options for each question (so I can get the little "something" it says about you in the results) My Second quiz looked as follows.

• Outward appearances aren't important to you at all. You think that the over emphasis on looks to be shallow.
• You try to be an organized person, but you often fall behind. Certain parts of your life tend to fall into chaos.
• You are very high maintenance. You like everything a certain way, and you're grumpy if things aren't the way you like them.
• In relationships, you tend to be quite dominant. You enjoy taking charge.
• You tend to be a dreamy, head in the clouds type of person. You think in terms of possibilities.
• You are a total homebody. You are happiest when you're at home.

And of course to cover all my bases I of course took it one more time so I could get the last results that I didn't get to the other 4 questions that had 3 options.

• Outward appearances are a concern of yours, but not your primary concern. You try to take care of yourself and your home, but it's not an obsession.
• Your life tends to be completely chaotic. You aren't a very organized person, and you tend to be slow in cleaning up messes.
• You are very low maintenance. You tend to go with the flow, and you're easily pleased.
• You are a traveler. You are comfortable anywhere, and you rarely feel homesick.

So there are all the different options you can get to each question. Now here is what is interesting, thinking back to the results of my quiz (this only pertains to people who know me :) Would you guess that my original (first results) quiz or my second quiz described me more accurately. Funny, the results that show up second are my actual original results, but I think had I received any of the results (other than my original ones) first, I could relate them to myself well enough to say it describes me pretty well. So in the end. Is every option broad enough in some way that you feel it describes you no matter what it's telling you, or does liking a firm bed really mean you are more practical?

Frustrated, Confused, Divided, and yet....

So life has come a long way since I last blogged, and yet I'm still in the exact same spot... sort of. It seems like life is always so full of choices. Choices that I don't want to be making. Big ones, small ones, meaningless ones, and dumb ones. When did I get old enough to have to be making all of these choices. The worst part of it is that it's only going to get more difficult and more complicated. The choices are only going to get bigger and the consequences are going to get more extreme. What I wouldn't give to go back to the good days of deciding whether I wanted P.B. and J. for lunch or Turkey sandwich. If only my life was that simple.

But even with all my frustration with school and all the choices I have in front of me. I seem to be happy mostly. Good days are starting to out number the bad and life seems to continue to trail along even if I get left behind.

Words of Wisdom from the Dalai Lama

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s:
a. Respect for self,
b. Respect for others and
c. Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle to the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Please Try to Rember the First of Octember

So... I would just like to shove this little post in this little time frame that I would like to call the 1st of Octember. (Neatly placed and started on September 30th, but not completed until October 1st)

If your not familiar with the classic Dr. Suess book I highly suggest you go get if from the library, or even better, just go buy it, because its easily his best. Now as a child I read this book and I thought When the heck is Octember and how do I get there? For those who are feeling a bit left out, I'll aid with a breif, but what can't hold a candle to the original, synopsis. There is this young boy who lists all these things that he wants and Dr. Suess goes on to tell him that everything can be his if he only remembers the first of Octember. So he makes this list an goes through in depth these things that he wants and then by the end it just shows this kid waiting with his list until Octember.

I feel as if I have that list and I'm five years old again waiting ever so eager for the 1st of Octember. That list has gotten longer over the years and sure, somethings were scratched out for others. I traded barbies for books and books for boys. But I still feel like I'm five, jumping up and down waiting and waiting. I used to think about it all the time and I would wonder.... If their were an Octember, where would it be. I came to the conclusion as I'm sure Dr. Suess did, that if their were an Octember that it would land between September and October. But where exactly. It always goes straight from September 30th to October 1st with no time for Octember. Then I began to wonder how I could make time for Octember and what I would have to do to get my first of Octember. By this time my five year old little head was so dizzy of dreams of fountains of soda and fields of candy that I usually fell asleep.

And then, at the sad age of 13 or 14 I realized something. It didn't matter if I could find time for Octember (which I couldn't), nothing could happen and no one would ever be able to give me everything on my list. The First of Octember, which I knew was never real anyway, quickly and painfully died. Octember was never really tangible, it was just a dream, an idea that Dr. Suess shared with the world that one perticular little girl seemed to like very much. And yet, still, here I am almost 20 years old, waiting for the First of Octember.

Connection

"Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone." - Hercules... (a little cheesy :) but it fit)

So today I realized that all I want is to feel connected. When life just sucks and everything around you seems to just flatten that's all you want. You want to know that somebody is on your left and someone else is on your right. Because no matter what what happens; death, success, failure, school, bad days and good your still connected. Sometimes we lose old connections and often we make new and only a precious few will hold in the end. But no matter what is lost or gained its important to look at each one with gratitude and awe. Because its times in my life like now, where I have such frail strings with so few people that I understand the importance of them. I'm reminded of the "fates" in Hercules, that use scissors to cut the string that is Hercules' life. I don't know why that's relevant or what it really has to do with anything, but I want the connections I have to be made out of whatever his string was.

Ode to Rain

I woke up the is morning to the smell of rain. On that alone I decided that today was going to be good. The Logan valley is completely socked in with gray clouds that some may constrew to be dreary, but they aren't. There amazing. At a cool 47 degrees Logan is perfect. Raining all morning, my jeans are soked from walking in it all over campus. I can't figure out why I love it so much, but two of my most favorite things in the whole world are the ocean and rain... and fog. Nothing is better than being on the northern coast of california sitting above the cliffs watch the fog roll in while it steadily drips rain rain on you. Euphoric paradise.

Quizzes, Kisses, and Jerusalem

Today I took a quiz in my Horticulture class. I woke up an hour early to study. I failed. The end.

Today is a full moon... Hence True Aggie Night.... Hence thousands of young adults parading themselves on top of a three foot letter A to make out with a complete stranger... enough said.

Today Elyse was accepted into her Jerusalem program, and will therefore be leaving for four and a half months.

Failing? A little.

Excited? Yes.

Jealous? Insanely.

Which answers which? I'm not entirely sure.

Sadly, there all interchangeable...

Am I excited for Elyse? Of course, and jealous, and failing... Where am I going?

Am I failing Horticulture? Sort of, and jealous of everyone else in that class, and excited to be done.

Am I jealous that I'm not on the A? Maybe? I would be excited if I was on the A with somebody that meant something... and yet I'm not and still failing miserably.

Interesting... Who should you vote for?

I think most people would be surprised. I've paid enough attention to the issues to know that I'm closer to McCain's platform than Obama's, what I didn't know was there were to other canidates with higher percentages than McCain... Infact, I only matched McCain at 28%. My highest match was 45% and he's a Libertarian! oh the things I learn.

Too many thoughts, so little time

I walked out my door this morning and was welcomed by fall air. I hadn't expected it. Its been colder other days of the week, but today marked the beginning of my fall. I'm sure it will warm back up again a little, but for the most part fall is here to stay. I hadn't realized how much I missed it until I walked out my door this morning and felt the cold air on my skin and in my lungs. It swirled in my lungs leaving me feeling like my insides were coated with cold clouds. I always forget how much I love to feel the seasons change. It always feels amazing. Whether its the first day of Spring, Winter, Summer, or Fall, they all hold something pleasant in them that makes you want to breathe in a little deeper.

On a different note, school has once again gone into full swing. It hasn't been bad so far, but I anticipate it will get pretty intense with the schedule that I'm working. Its good to be busy though. It leaves you less time to dwell on certain impossibilities. The only thoughts you have time for are the practical ones, and I'm grateful for the distraction.

So I had a little epiphany today and I decided that my life is a vicious vicious cycle of satisfaction, happiness, loneliness, disappointment, depression, and achievement. It seems to flow continuously. I'm not quite sure if its a good thing or if its healthy or what, but it seems pretty balanced between good times and bad.

Just several things I've discovered and noticed in my second year of higher education:

The people you miss are the people that mean the most

Nobody looks at you on campus, there all to busy trying not to meet your eyes

Sleeping with the windows open is magical

I like watching CNN... weird

Roommates come and go... only a few are worth keeping in touch with

We did not fight against Russia in WWII

Family is awesome, absence seems to make the heart grow fonder

Sometimes people surprise you and aren't anything like you thought they were

The USU IT staff actually know what their doing

An I-pod was easily one of my greatest purchases

I'm not as smart as I thought I was, there are some brilliant people that I brush shoulders with

Wal-Mart sucks, Smith's is the only way to go

Figure Skating hurts, but is so worth the effort to learn

Laundry is EXPENSIVE, so is everything else for that matter.

You can get sick of your favorite foods if you eat them too often

Reading the newspaper everyday is actually interesting

There are lots more that I can't thing of, so I may or may not do a continuation.

Nothing to say, nothing to write

I keep telling myself I'm going to write... and then I never do, and now here I am a month later finally attempting to write. I came here three times wanting to write and yet the screen remained empty with the blinking cursor staring me down almost in a mocking way. There isn't anything I care to elaborate on. Just stuff.

Things I want to say but don't know how....

Work SuCkS!

Why do new roomates have to lock the door and the deadbolt? ITS LOGAN!

School starts on Monay...

Work starts up again Moday....

Its good to have more than one best friend.

The bookstore has really cute, cheap purses.

My dvd player is broken.

I could only afford 9 items at the grocery store :(

I'm missing the concert of my life.

I may or may not have flashed my neighbors by accident.

How do you hang up a mirror with out a nail?

I love that Logan is in the 60's!

My computer is slower than ever!

I keep waking up with mosquito bites on my arm... How do they even get in.... we have screens?!

I love my green fan!

and last....

I HATE when people waste my time!

always changing and forever the same

Everyonce in a while you have those moments where you realize how truly small you are in the insanely large world you live in. How insignificant your life is. And yet you smile, because even though you know that the world is much bigger than you can ever possibly imagine, there it is, a nearly never changing constant. Sure time passes, the sun sets, and the world turns and it seems near crazy that we would call it anything but constant. People change I guess, but its not so much change as it is growth, which in it self is somewhat of a constant. Our opinions change, life experience gives us invaluable knowledge and yes we change and yet I still feel like in someways everything is the same.

no escape

For the first time in my life I don't want to read, write, watch or even think about anything. It's come to the point where it hurts too much to dwell or hope for things to happen. As a kid I had my ways of escape. I'd often read, in fact, sometimes I would literally hide myself in a closet or under a bed and just read until I forgot where I actually was, fully throwing my self into a fictional fairytale. Then I figured out I could write and I loved it even more, because now I was the one controlling the outcome. I took solace in books and my stories that were utterly ridiculous. For whatever reason, they helped, but now it seems they do the complete opposite. It seems like escaping is even more agonizing they actually facing reality. When did that happen? It all seems so silly and over dramatic and yet there it is.

Agency

As its already obvious, my blogs of late haven't been real "chipper" and I've been trying to determine why that is. Why are people unhappy? What causes it and why does it quite frankly, suck so bad. I came to the conclusion today that everything is done by choice. We have the amazing capability to change whatever we feel or whatever mood we are in just by thinking. Now some may disagree, but that's only because they don't want to admit that they are in complete control of their happiness. You can choose to be upset by what life gives you, or you can choose to move on, be happy, and not waste time with trivial inadequacies that life tends to present.

lost

I don't know what I'm waiting for, or if I'm even waiting anymore. Its almost like I lost all direction and am stuck floating in the middle of the ocean without sails, oars, or even wind. At some point I thought I knew what I was doing, where I was going, and the point of sitting her hating life in the meantime for something I wanted. The truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I'm making up my thoughts everyday. I feel as if I'm about to do something extremely reckless and yet I know I wont. Its like standing at the verge of a waterfall. It looks enticing to jump and you know that there is just water at the bottom. But you don't jump, not because your afraid, but because there are stupid rules in your head that you live your life by. You may not even realize that there their, but they are. Guiding and effecting every choice you make. Some call it intuition others its just the voice in their head, but now your standing at the waterfall and you still want to jump and the voice is gone. You wait, expecting to hear it any moment but you know its gone and yet you can still hear it echo inside your head. So here I am, standing at the waterfall deciding if I want to listen to the voice that is no longer there or... just jump.

nothiing but words

Time is such an odd thing. It has the ability to heal or hinder relationships. It can make you feel old, or young. It changes people and yet leaves them the same. It make you miss people. It makes you forget people. It has no remorse, and it wont wait for you if left behind. You can't see it, you can't stop it, you love it and yet you hate it. I have absolutely no control as to how fast or slow it seems to go by. We can't rewind, and you can't fast f0rwad, and unfortunately, life has no pause button. You have one chance with every moment and that's it. It always makes me sad. Every time I try to slow down and live in the moment its just upsetting knowing its not coming around again. I think I rather enjoy the moment, completely ignorant of its significance in the broader spectrum. Reality sucks. I don't want to be a realist, I'm not a pessimist, and I don't really want to be a complete optimist... I'm kind of a whateverist. I like looking at the world the way I see it. Some parts optimistic, others realistic, and some completely pessimistic. So I'm an optirealpesimist.

Crazy... maybe?

I'm taking 16 credits this fall and working two jobs, some tell me I'm crazy, but I really think I can do it. And not only do I think I can do it I think it will be good for me. I finally wrote my personal narrative, and to be honest it is one of my favorite papers. So I'm just going to post it!

My Hiding Place

After looking out the window and seeing the coast line, I ran for the hole again, shaking unsteadily. I squeezed my seven year old body in as quickly as I could, the fear in my lungs making me move even faster. Once shoved in the small twelve by twelve gap rather awkwardly, I plugged my ears and held my breath. Closing my eyes was pointless, sunlight was completely obstructed on all sides, but I did it out of habit anyway, sometimes not knowing if they were closed or open. I could still hear the engine, muffled by my sweaty, diminutively small hands. It was too loud to be drowned out. I pressed my hands harder against my already squashed ears. I began to hum not wanting to hear the engine that reminded me that we were still moving.

I remember wondering if it was necessary to take the terrifying coastal highway to Southern California or if maybe there was some other, safer route. I asked my dad, but he always smirked and proclaimed, “This is the only way.” I never bothered to press him about it, but I knew there had to be other ways. Sometimes I think he enjoyed seeing me so frightened by the towering cliffs that raised the size of football fields. I held my breath so often when passing the cliffs that the sight of them frequently made me sick. My dad had grown up in California and could drive Highway One with his eyes closed. However, driving only feet away from the edge, the bottom of the cliffs held no comfort for me, being covered with jagged rocks that even appeared to stab the waves as they crashed on them.

I could still feel the motor home winding around and bending back into the cliffs of Highway One. My stomach seemed to be left behind, only to have it rush back making me even more nauseated. It was similar to ridding in an elevator where your stomach just drops out from under you. Despite my best efforts there was nothing I could do to stop myself from feeling the motion of the RV. At least I couldn’t see the ocean and the cliff’s edge when shoved behind the passenger seat. The thought of the edge alone caused me to begin to shake again. Finally I gasped for air after holding my breath for so long. Being close to the engine, it tasted like stagnant exhaust fumes, which only made me suck the air in faster and harder. Breathing in quickly already makes me dizzy, but combined with the engine fumes only intensified the whirling in my head. I could feel my eyes rolling into the back of my skull and welcomed it, hoping I would lose consciousness momentarily, and I did.

I drifted in and out of dream and nightmare. Sometimes I was aware that it wasn’t real, and other times I wasn’t. Over and over again I would see the mid-sized beige RV flying off the road and plummeting to the ocean and rocks below. I heard my own voice screaming and yet I knew I wasn’t. It was replaying in my head like a song that is on repeat making me more and more anxious.

I awoke from my nightmare sweaty, mildly disoriented and a little nauseated. I had no idea where I was. I began to blink my eyes rapidly realizing that they were open and I still couldn’t see. I started to panic trying to move my arms that were still asleep from being laid on. This fear was far worse than the now seemingly childish fear of the cliffs. I kicked my legs and flailed rather clumsily while racking my brain trying to figure out where I was. I began to wonder if I was buried underground, thrown unceremoniously into a coffin whilst still alive. I started to hyperventilate for the second time. When I generated enough oxygen into my lungs again, the taste of the air revealed I wasn’t in a coffin, or underground, but rather, still in my hiding place.

I could no longer hear the engine and the RV seemed eerily still. Fear took over for the third time that evening. Did my family leave me? Did we finally fall off the cliff? Why weren’t we under water? A thousand scenarios went through my head, each one making my mind spin in thought. My dad’s snoring broke my reverie and I understood that we had stopped for the night. I slowly stopped struggling so violently with my stiff limbs and wriggled myself out of the small confined space. The moon lit up the RV through all windows with a soft, cream colored, dull light that allowed my eyes to adjust quickly.

I looked back at my hole that had once given me so much comfort and solace. It now brought a new emotion, fear and the nightmare of being buried alive. My body got colder as the realization sunk in. I seemed to shrink even smaller in my already too big world and I had nowhere to run and even worse, nowhere to hide. I glanced at my hiding place one more time and knew it could no longer be my refuge from the deathly cliffs that surrounded me so often. I stood frozen, losing all track of time. I might have been there for hours before retiring to the small couch next to me, where I slept an eerie and vacant dreamless night.

I didn’t attempt to go back to my hiding place the entire trip. After being so terrified by the small confining space, I embraced the openness of the ocean next to me. The cliffs still make me nervous, my stomach still leaving me often, but nothing compared to the nightmare of being trapped, blind, and alone in my used to be hiding place.

Writers Block

Whenever I hear the saying "writers block," a poem that I wrote in the 10th grade comes to mind entitled "Writers Block"

Writers block is what I get
When I try to make it fit
I cannot seem to rhyme or write
When my pen and paper fight


I can not put ideas in led
When their never in my head
My words always come out wrong
Looking stupid, dumb or long

My poems are never good
I'd write them if I could
So call me please when you unlock
The ugly black door of writers block

Its silly and ridiculous and quite frankly not an amazing poem... but I love it. The poem is really ironic to me because all of it just came to me except for the first two lines in the last stanza, I already knew how I was going to end it, and yet there I was getting writers block while writing "Writers Block" To this day, I don't care for those two lines in the poem, I suppose you could say I copped out and wrote the first thing that worked. Today, I find myself in the same situation. For some reason, I cannot put ideas in led, when their never in my head... My English paper is now due tomorrow and still have no clue what I'm going to write about. I've been brainstorming going through old blog entries, old journal entries, and even pictures. I'm about to break out old home movies to see if I can figure something out. I suppose I'll get it eventually... I have to.

Giving life meaning

I'm struggling through this stupid personal narrative for my English class. I've been thinking about it for weeks and I still can't come up with something to write about. I feel like my life is completely vacant of meaning... which is so not true, I just can't find a defining moment that I really want to write about. I mean yes I've had defining moments but none that I really care to share with the 21 freshman in my English class. Not that I'm afraid of what they'll say, I just don't care to open up. I'm deciding if I want use some stupid experience and just fluff the three page paper... but that just goes against my ethics, I can't bring myself to write something that is vacant of real emotion, and yet I don't really care to show the class anything in my life that has had real emotion. I'm awful and brainstorming, usually something just comes to me and I know what I want to write, but I'm so lost. My head is just swimming in so much thought right now that I can seem to nail one to the wall. Usually my thoughts aren't so elusive but I have so many different mixed emotions life right now that this English paper is one of the last things I really want to write.

Where would you want to be if you could be anywhere?

So I was in my first day of English class and my English Professor, Emily, was going through the role and to help her remember people she asked us the question, "Where would you want to be right now if you could be anywhere?" All of a sudden a thousand places flew through my mind, Europe, California, New Zealand, anywhere on the east coast, Seattle, Canada, Mexico... but unfortunately, my last name starts with a 'B' so of course I'm the second person on the role, and I literally have no time to choose... so I said, "Anywhere but here" which I thought was pretty insightful. But then a few kids in one guy said, "I'm right where I want to be." and I thought that was ever more insightful. I wished I could take back my answer and say that too. I really am happy where I am right now. I love Logan, I love being in school, and I'm just lovin where I'm at. Sometimes I struggle, but we struggle where ever we are. And even though there are thousand places I want to be, I really am happy where I am.... for now.

10 Biggest changes from Salt Lake to Logan

Everyone has been very list-y lately, so here I am making a list. These are the biggest changes, good and bad, from moving from the very large Salt Lake City, to the rather small town of Logan.

10. No cable TV, and unfortunately no Tivo. It's a good thing most shows go on hiatus over the summer, because I'd be missing em.

9. I can control the thermostat in my apartment. It will never be too hot or too cold again :)

8. Noisy neighbors. The guys down stairs have girls in their apartment til 2 am four nights a week.

7. The Utilities bill is in my name, and some roommates don't know how to pay you on time.

6. The weather is cold! Here we are in June, and I was in snow yesterday, SNOW!

5. You learn very quickly that "It's a small world" loses all meaning in Logan during the summer. Everyone knows everyone, don't be surprised.

4. Lack of a social life. Everybody I knew from my first semester isn't here this summer.

3. Back to school, back to work. I'm taking six credits and working 20 hours, life keeps me busy, but not busy enough.

2. I have to do all my roommates dishes, cleaning, and vacuuming, they are all completely incapable of doing anything.

1. Best and biggest change: I can live on one tank of gas for two months, if I don't go home. Every thing is so close, that you hardly use any gas at all.

Nature vs. Nurture?

It seems like this question seems to come up nearly every day in psychology and it iritates me. For the past four weeks I haven't been able to explain my iritation with it to the class, or to myself for that matter. I couldn't even work it out in my head and have it make sense, but yesterday I finally figured out why its such an irritating concept, because your only given two choices and to some extent their both right and both wrong. I don't think the question of nature vs. nurture even matters anymore. Clearly their has been enough studying to show that they both have an effect on people. Genetics and environment both take a role in developing who we are. So the whole nature vs. nurture thing is kind of dead but I'm neither a behaviorist nor a humanist. I think their both asking the wrong question, Its not nature vs. nurture, its agency vs. nature or nurture. Just because we have a pre-disposition to be violent, or we were raised in a violent home does not mean that we areselves have to be violent. Maybe with dogs, we can ask nature vs. nurture, but being human we have moral accountability and choice, we can't blame our short commings on our upbringing or our unfortunate genetic heredity.

I think the reason psychologists have focused so much on this nature vs. nurture concept is because as humans we want to be able to blame anybody but ourselves for our actions. It's extreamly difficult for one to take responsibilty for the mistakes they've made and then not only to correct them, but to know that you'll have to take responsibilty for all other actions in the future. I think the Locus of Control plays a much bigger role on how we react and who we are, it shapes our personality more then nature vs. nurture ever could. Do you think you are in control of your life, or do you think that others have the control in your life? Thats the more important question.

Ability

“There is something that is much more scarce, something rarer than ability. It is the ability to recognize ability.”

--Robert Half

Life never ceases to amaze me. People are always surprising you and your in a constant flux of learning, making mistakes, and relearning. As I've mentioned previously, I'm LDS, and I had the opportunity to go to my new singles ward today. It was interesting, because I went alone, and it really didn't bother me that I was going alone, a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do that. Today was fast Sunday so of course, we had fast and testimony meeting. I actually had no idea where I was going so I didn't go to any classes I just went to two fast and testimony meetings in two different wards. I really enjoyed it. This guy, who for the life of me, I can't remember what his name was or even what he looks like, got up and talked about abilities.

He was so sweet and you could tell it truly was coming from his heart and he just got up and said that he was so grateful for his abilities and it hit me. I have so many amazing abilities. First I have the ones that most are blessed with such as walking, talking, laughing, running, moving, and all the other amazing capabilities that our body has. But looking more deeply I have so much more than that, I have the ability to love, dream, share, experience, grow, remember, forget, learn, even just the ability to be comfortable as who I am. Those are amazing things to be grateful for. What would life be like with out all the amazing and unique abilities that we possess? I'm very grateful for my abilities in life and what they enable me to do.

Graphology?

I had an interesting experience happen to me at work yesterday. I was sitting in my cubicle bored out of mind like any other day when this young pregnant girl walked up to an elder women that was in the cubicle next to mine. The girl hands the women a piece of paper with writing on the top and says to the women, "My mother would really like you to read hers as well." By now, my interest has been peaked and I continue to eavesdrop on their entire conversation. The older women then proceeds to tell the young girl about her mother from this writing sample. I found it a little amusing but I didn't smile or laugh and I just continued to do my work. A few minutes later I hear the women talking to the a young guy next to her, who was probably in high school and was intrigued by the conversation as well. She asked him to write down the simple sentence "Dear Lois, Today I'm happy. Love, (signature)" The boy did so at which point she started telling him about his own character and personality.

I had to look at the boys facial reactions so I peaked around the cubicle and the boy genuinely seemed to be stunned. I went back to my computer almost immediately completely skeptical of the women, but I wasn't quite fast enough, the women saw me and asked me very sweetly if I'd like her to read mine. I smiled and politely said no, and she gave me a sly grin back and said, "Skeptical are you?" I laughed and told her that actually I was a little skeptical and that I found it some what amusing. At this point the nearly 80 year old women insisted that I let her examine my handwriting, and I wasn't about to let her have a heart attack so I obliged a little begrudgingly, writing down the simple sentence in my best cursive possible. I handed her the paper, and she began.

I must admit, I was a little stunned... but I wasn't surprised either. The first thing she said was that I didn't have a Father figure in my life which, I told her wasn't true. My dad and I have gotten along fairly well all my life. I was a bit smug after this but then, she proceeded to describe my character to me, and this is where I was a little stunned. She hit me right on the nose for the most part. She gave me back the paper and I continued working, but still had her words running through my mind like a song on repeat. Did my hand writing really say all that about my character, or did she just get lucky in observing my personality in the brief moments I had talked to her?

I mostly have to decide with the latter. I'm fairly decent at reading people and I think I could have done the same thing to someone else after observing them for several moments. Apparently graphology is actual science though, but so is ufology, so science most certainly doesn't give it actual credit. It just seems a little too fortune tellish to me. I don't think someone can tell you who exactly you are by just looking at a few pieces of your handwriting.

The Power of Music

I love music. The loud, the soft, heavy, light, drums, piano, classical, rock, contemporary, country, blues, alternative, punk, even some rap. It has the power to make me physically smile, laugh, be angry, or cry. Some makes you feel like your on top of the world, and some makes you feel like your the only one there listening in a crowd of strangers. Music has often been my best friend and my only solace in a world, that quite frankly often sucks. It takes no up keep, you can leave it and come back and its never going to be offended. You can listen to something 100 times and still love it for the same reasons you loved it the first time you heard it. It has the ability to inspire or to discourage. It can help you sleep, or it can keep you awake. In can make you run harder, drive faster, or dance longer. It gives you confidence that no one else can here. Do you ever notice that people with I-pods and headphones tend to walk a little taller? You can sing along and its never going to tell you that you can't. What would life be without the melodies that seem to echo in the outer ether's of life? I think I'd rather live a life without color than a life without music. It's essential to my existence.

Tagline

So I've been working on a novel off and on for the past year or so, and I think I'm finally taking off with it. I've had a lot of writers block lately, but I think, much thanks to this blog, that I've finally come through it. It seems to be flowing more and the story is just flooding out of me like I always knew it would when it was ready. Now I'm not really anticipating on getting published, in fact, I don't even plan on really trying, but I love to write and I thought I'd just share the tag line, which could probably use a lot of revision but here it is. Its just a YA novel, so don't expect anything amazing, but its been fun to write. I also may be posting small (very small) pieces of my story just to keep myself motivated. Any comments or criticisms would be much appreciated. Thanks!

We all want to live in a book, that's why we read them. But Maddison Kennzington didn't want to be in any story, she wanted to be in their story. By a rather strange course of events, Maddie finds herself thrown inside her favorite novel featuring two young adults in one one of the most unique love stories of all time, but now she cant tell where her story begins and where their story ends.

Insomnia

Sleep is an interesting thing. I go to class all day thinking, all I want to do is go to sleep, then I go to work yawning and just wanting to go to bed, and then I come home, and I can't sleep... its ridiculous, but at the same time, I kind of love it. Now, this could be really wierd, but one of my favorite parts of the day is to lie awake in bed right before I fall asleep and just think... Not about anyone, or anything in specific, just letting my thoughts run away with themselves and seeing where they take me. I love to imagine and analyze my day and my dreams. Its fun to think of the future and interesting to recall the past. Its like everything can be in the for front of your brain at that time, because there is nothing to concentrate on and no pressure to memorize or listen to something or someone. Everything is there for your recall and you can pull it up like you would a file in a cabinet, tucked away for later use. The only problem is, your brain can't be shut down like a computer, it runs and runs until finally it stops and lets you sleep. Right now my brain just seems to be doing a marathon...

Social Fear

I am currently taking two classes at USU right now. Just two lame generals, PSY 1010 and a Planet Earth class, easy enough right? Typically I go to class, sit some where in the back, and don't open my mouth at all. I don't consider my self to be a genius by any means, but I'm not stupid either, I'm shoved somewhere in the middle, which I am A. O.K with. So, I decided that I learn better when I'm an active participant in lecture, imagine that, so I started to speak up and for the most part its alright, but the other day in psychology I said something that was contradictory to what the teacher was saying... and the entire class turned back, looked at me while I'm trying to explain this whole nature vs. nurture and how it leaves to many extraneous variables, and as soon as they all looked back I got totally frazzeled and mixed up my words, then of course I blushed , my heart started racing and just stopped talking because at this point I had completely lost my train of thought. I felt really stupid and was really irritated. I'm not a shy person, and typically I'm not embarressed very easily. I usually don't have a problem speaking in front of people but everyonce in a while this happens to me and I hate it. I can't figure out why it happens, but I need to fix it.

Endings

What is it about endings that make them so sad? Now, I realize that this could be construed as a rather silly question, endings are sad, simply because it is the end. But I want to look a little more deeply into exactly what it is that leaves you feeling so empty at the end of a movie, or a book, or possibly even certain stages of our lives. We hear the cliche, yet somewhat true sayings all the time such as, "Every ending is a new beginning,", or "When one door closes, another one opens." I think the idea of these statements is just to console or maybe open someones perspective, but I don't think they take away the sadness of it. Yes, a new beginning is exciting and exhilarating, but it doesn't take away the loneliness of missing the past. As humans, we're creatures of habit, we like things to stay the same, we're comfortable keeping things how they are. Endings are closely tied to ones capability and desire to change or not to change. I will have to confess, that endings to me are very sad. But thinking for a moment, what if we didn't have endings? What if life was in one constant, continuous stage that never changed, therefore giving you no beginnings and no endings? Wouldn't that be an even greater loss and sadness? I think most agree that it would. So with endings, they are often bitter-sweet in a way that few things are, but they are essential for us to enjoy some of the greatest experiences.

Long Time, Big Move

So I moved to Logan and its crazy. My life is insane, and I'm loving it. I go to bed at insane hours, I get up early for class and I still love it! I've missed this life style so much. I moved into a pretty sweet apartment and I signed a lease for a year, so I'm pretty much here until this time next year. It should be good though. Classes are crazy, I'm working 30 hours a week and taking 6 credit hours in four weeks. Roomates are pretty sweet. Its looking like its going to be a good year if I don't die off in the first four weeks.

Happiness in a bottle...

“I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls off a string.”

-anon

You know those days where everything seems to be normal, nothing extraordinary, just your average day... but this average day is filled with very little things to make it one of those extraordinarily happy days, where you fall asleep knowing that your happy because of the little things in life. Today was one of those days, and might I say it was rather marvelous. I slept in, it was amazing. I made the guy I'm love with jealous, which was spectacular, because he does it to me all the time. I had cherry seven up which is my secret love in life. I listened to an awesome upper cd- Dan in Real Life, and might I say that the bonus track the end makes my day in it self. I made $19 in one hour. I caught up with an old friend. It was over cast all day :) I put on my new duvet cover, and its a 300 thread count, and its pretty much amazing. An old friend remembered my real name. I learned something new about my brother. My holds at the library are finally there, that I've been waiting for for a month. My boss let me have an extra hour off. I talked with someone that makes me smile. My supervisor taught me how to officially spell the words: experience, difficult, personnel, definitely, accommodating, and bureaucracy. My parents bought a new car. I watched the jazz game with my dad. I got a free sandwich at work. And I watched NCIS... and I got new music from Jumpsuit Apparatus. Its pretty much been a splendid day. Nothing spectacular, and yet its one of those days that makes life so stupendously great... because its the little things that make life so awesome.

Where do I want to be April 18, 2009?

“Time is not measured by the passing of years but by what one does, what one feels, and what one achieves.”

--Jawaharal Nehru

Finishing finals week of my sophomore year. Accepted into both my majors. Saving money for England. In Logan. Single. Debt free. Realistically, this will be me in one year. It is interesting how we perceive time. Right now one year seems so far away, and yet it feels so close at the same time. I'm 19, a year from now I'll be 20. Life won't seem so different, but how much do we really change in a year? Something that I think would be so awesome but completely impossible, is to talk to yourself a year ago. So at the end of your life, you have you at every age, and just talk to all of them. Would they all seem different to you? To other people? How much do we really change and grow, and how much of it is just us, how we are, indifferent and immovably part of our character? Going back and reading journal entries from years back, I find it amusing. I find myself cringing out of embarrassment for myself. Its a good thing no one else reads my journals, because I was an idiot, and for the most part, I probably still am.

We measure our life by the years we live, the days that go by, the hours spent, and the minutes that pass, but is that how we should measure it? Think, if all perception of time were taken from us, how would we measure life? Maybe the wrinkles on your forehead, possibly the gray hairs on your head, the inches we grow, or how many times we eat. I think, that if we didn't measure time by minutes, I'd want to measure it by laughter. How many times have you laughed? I'm sure I'm over 50,000 laughs old. Years don't tell anyone the kind of life you lived or the experiences you've had. The only thing years represents is the time you've spent breathing, who wants to know that? Today a guy at work asked me how old I was and I told him I was 19 and he laughed and said "I thought you were older than that." In my opinion, years mean very little. I suppose some would argue that years show experience and seniority, but life's experiences for everyone are different and who are we to tell someone they haven't lived as much because they haven't had as many years? We measure time because we know of no other way not to. A minute, an hour, a day, they are all just a figment of time that we've created to show worth, and I think we all spend a lot of "time" that's been completely worthless. So the question is, How old are you?

Am I dreaming?

Today was one of the most bizarre days I've ever experienced. I feel like I stepped into the twilight zone. I worked a double shift at work, which already makes the day smoosh together seamlessly. Lets see if I can unravel for you. I woke around 8:50, rather begrudgingly and got dressed and made breakfast... very typical for me. I had two eggs, like always and ate them on the way, again very normal... but this is where the day starts to get hazy. I arrive at work at approximately 10:10 about 10 minutes late. The hours of 10-12 passed, and for the life of me I can't tell you what happened in that time span. Then I went and had a cinnamon roll, thank goodness for food, its the only time I actually remember my day by. After that two of my co-workers went and got high, which was amusing and strange all at the same time. Then some more time passed. Then at three I went to Paradise with a co-worker, and bought an oriental salad, which was delicious. Then I came back to work. Then I was briefed on a new survey that I was doing a pretest for Energy Solutions. Then the restaurant next door to us had a kitchen fire, and the entire phone bank filled with smoke, at which point we left the building and roamed around the building watching dozens of firemen walk the halls with their massive red axes. Then I sat on a bench with another co-worker at which point we were hit on by some guy who says that his sister is married to Gary Coleman.... he was a little bit off his rocker and he asked me for my number, and me being the idiot I am, gave it to him, but I regretted instantly so when he read it back to me, I switched one of the numbers and was like "no no, is 6792" and ran away. Thankfully my boss was waiting for me, and so I couldn't stay and talk, I've never been so happy to see him call me back to work and wait for me to get up and go in all my life. At this point I worked on this ridiculous survey about global warming and it took 20 minutes a pop. Then I went on break at which point I ate some wheat thins and a Dr. Pepper and read a book, "Lovely Bones" in the lobby, and that book always makes me think funny anyway. Then I went back to work for another 2 hours after which I left work. Then on my way home I get a text from some random number saying "Hey" and instantly I know that creepy guy from the bench figured out I gave him the wrong number and I lie saying I'm a 27 year old male who lives in Ogden at which point he stopped texting me. Then I cam home and here I am and I can honestly say it was one of the strangest days in my memory. It doesn't sound that strange written out, but in my head, it all seems like it was one of those weird dreams you have that don't make sense at all and are completely random. I'm still trying to figure out if today really happened.

When do you feel most loved?

“Everyone has a gripping stranger in their lives, the man in the library who checks out your books, the teller that deposits your check, the co-worker that always smiles but you never talk. A stranger who, if you were to come home and find a message from them on your answering machine saying, "Drop everything. I love you. Come with me now," you'd follow them.”

-anon

So I was asked the question "When do you feel most loved?" by a friend today and it totally took me off guard. We always send these funny little texts to each other that ask the other questions, just random things that come up in our day. I usually try to respond as fast as I can with the first thing that pops in my head, I figure its the most honest that way... but today, I totally had to stop and think. My first answer was "when I say my prayers", but she was looking for a more "living people" response. After thinking about it for a few seconds, I really couldn't think of anything. I mean, I'm not trying to say I never feel loved, because I'm sure I do, I just can't think of when and who makes me feel the most loved. So I thought about it for a little longer and came to this conclusion. No one person makes me feel "most" loved. In fact, the moments and people that probably make me feel loved are with the people I know very little. When someone I don't know very well does something nice or goes out of their way to help me is when I feel most loved. Which is really kind of funny, you think your family and close friends would make you feel most loved, but if you think about it, and maybe its just me, it makes sense. When people who know very little about your character and decide to do something for you based on the mere fact that they like you as a person is when I feel most loved. Strangers that genuinely smile, acquaintances that go out of their way to help you. And maybe that says more about those people that help me, but that's when I feel most loved.

Things I've wanted to be when I grow up

"All my life I used to wonder what I would become when I grewup. Then, about seven years ago, I realized that I was nevergoing to grow up... that growing is an ever ongoing process."

-- M. Scott Peck

A flight attendant, a doctor, a teacher, a taxi driver, a politician, a lawyer, a beautician, a writer, an artist, a photographer, an editor, a mother, a traveler, a singer, an actress, a cook, a business women, a professional athlete, an inventor, Oprah, a vet, a genius, old, a mechanic, a boss, a pilot, rich, a sales person, a counselor, a food critic, a movie critic, a critic, a marine biologist, a climber, an explorer, a director, a maid, a poet, a mk consultant, a sailor, an architect.... and there is so much more that has gone through my head over the years. Some are silly, some are exciting, some boring, some aim to high, others maybe a little too low, but I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I do. I could be the greatest food critic the world has ever known, and still not be satisfied. So, now, you ask, at the age of nineteen, what do I want to be when I grow up?... happy.

“The way to find out about happiness is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you are really happy — not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy. This requires a little bit of self-analysis. What is it that makes you happy? Stay with it, no matter what people tell you. This is what is called following your bliss.”

--Joseph Campbell

weird: of strange or extraordinary character

"Everyone is weird but me and thee, and even sometimes thou art a little odd."


--old saying


Its funny how we perceive people. For example, I have a nine year old little sister and she is quite the odd one. A little awkward, never afraid to say exactly whats on her mind, a little overbearing, and completely carefree. She is such a unique individual. She'll say things that are embarrassing but true. She's not afraid to be nice to kids that are different, she herself being a bit different and sometimes I think of her as an old soul. Now at first glance and first meeting with Lia you'll think her a bit strange too and most likely some of the first adjectives that will come to mind are "immature" and "annoying". Although both are true to some extent, I find her quite intellectual and far more mature than a lot of the girls I go to college with. She is in the third grade and has a very real sense of the world. She understands that popularity means very little in life. Talking to her is interesting and can be socially very educational. She'll never be the girl that puts somebody down to make herself feel better. I can honestly say that she really is kind to everyone and has the most genuine heart I've ever known in a person. She loves to help people and the only thing she asks for in return is to be loved. So referring back to my title weird: of strange or extraordinary character. This is how Webster defines the word weird and I think it absolutely perfect. Lia is one of the weirdest people I know, strange, yes, but also extraordinary, and I only hope that one day I can be every bit as weird.

How much control do we really have?

“Control your emotion or it will control you”

--Anon.

I've spent the entire day keeping myself cool. I've never had to try so hard to conrol my emotions in my life. I've been angry, iritated, furious in fact, but I'm completely aware of it, so I'm trying to see how much control I really have. The day has pretty much sucked, and I've almost lost my temper several times, but I didn't. I've been able to have complete control over my attitude. I've gotten angry, but I've let it go. I've been bothered iritated, and put down, and still didn't lose control once. Although I must say, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Its extremely dificult to instantly forgive, forget, and move on. I think I even managed to keep the go with the flow attitude.

Bulldozers and love

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

--Anon.

I think this statement is true for a lot of people, most would just be unwilling to admit it. Whether its subconscious or not, everybody does it. Everybody wants to be loved. But we're so scared that nobody will, so we put up these walls to protect ourselves. Then when somebody gets through, it means that much more. No wonder love is so difficult, you practically have to have a bulldozer to get through to anyone.

Influencial People

Just some of the many people I admire and look up to that have taught me so much. (in no particular order)

Bonnie Ray Haycock - For being quick to forgive and slow to anger.

Issac's wife Rachel - For never losing sight and her willingness to wait.

Dr. Suess - For seeing the world through a child's eyes and then sharing it with the world.

My parents - For their desire to help and to love.

Christ - For sacrificing everything.

Jeanene Davis - For her amazing cooking skills and her ability to love and accept.

Jared Bradley - For being one of the greatest peacemakers.

Anne Frank - For writing her story and being honest with the world.

Moriya Bradley - For being an amazing friend.

Cameron Grant - For going back out into the mission field.

My grandmother - For her unconditional love.

Esther - For standing up and risking her life for friends and family.

Alyse Marchant - For her love of life.

Lia Rose - For always dancing to the beat of her own drum.

Jane Austin - For chasing after her dream.

B. Heidi Marchant - For being the closest I've seen to true perfection.

Frodo Baggins - For arising to the occasion.

Joseph Smith - For his persistence in the face of ridicule.

Elyse Bradley - For her ability to stay be a constant in a changing world.

Mrs. Brough - For ability to make learning fun.

Kellie Harkness - For being able to relate and sympathise.

Thayne Davis - For his self confidence.

Michelle Pace - For not letting talent get to her head.

Ralph Waldo Emerson - For his ability to put thoughts into great words.

C.O.F. - For being a true gentleman under the surface.

Just filling the time with nothing

I feel so unproductive. Granted, I am rather enjoying it, but its getting old and I still have til May 9th! I guess its not that far and I haven't really been sick of my just working life til now, so there's something to be grateful for. I spent a weekend in Logan, just hanging in the college life, and now I've spent a weekend in Provo, just hanging in the college life, and I'm so ready to re-enter the college life. Don't get me wrong, my parents have been great, but I'm so done being anti social. I watched 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls!!!! SEVEN! Sad, no like really pathetic, and the worst part of it is, I've totally been o.k. with being the person that doesn't go out, because I had plans, and I knew I wouldn't be in that situation long. I have read a ton more than usual and work, and pay off debt, but I'm ready to be productive again. This next month and half is going to be pretty awful. Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm totally making a mad run for it. All in all though, my lame little break from the real world has been good. I think I've grown and learned from it and there aren't any regrets... I'm just ready to go back to being that crazy, weird, outgoing 19 year old that I was.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."




-- Anne Bradstree

Life is full of surprises. Some expected, others welcomed, several unwanted, and everything else shoved in between. Right now my life is simple, I think its always been simple. Taking a step back and looking at the broad spectrum of things, my life has been rather trivial so far. I had saved the title of this entry along with the quote a few days ago so that I wouldn't lose my train of thought. I was going to write about how we all have rough times, but it makes the good times seem so much sweeter and something to that extent. Coming to the blog today, I looked at it completely different. I'm looking at all the things I've been through and the stupid things I've done, and I'm coming up completely dry. I haven't even tasted adversity, I'm not about to preach about it. I'm young, naive, but trying desperately to figure things out. Life comes in a whirl wind of colors, and I'm finding my self a little color blind at the moment. My significance means very little in the grand scheme of things. I'm reminded of the little colored bar that turbo tax showed me after filing my taxes. My chance of being audited, pretty much minuscule in comparison to the wide range of colors going from green to red. I have very little to complain about in life. So about my start over button. I'm pressing it, things are going to go down on a much smaller scale for me, but I'm keeping the birds eye view for perspective.

Always Changing

“The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.”

--Aldous Huxley


Something interesting I've noticed about me is that I love change. Change in almost anything. I get bored of things I've seen too much. If you've read my blog somewhat in the past, you know that I go through about a template a month. If you know me personally I change my hand writing very often. I don't really think about it, I just kind of do it. I love trying new things, I have a lot of fun experimenting with different ideas and styles. Its fun to barrow some other persons ideas and make them your own. I feel like my life is in constant change, because I like it that way. Now I'm sure certain aspects of my life stay the same, but I really do love change. There is something exciting in being innovative and new. I love meeting new people and switching things up. I do get comfortable with somethings, but I enjoy switching em up as well.

Start Over Button

“I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret… if you have any sense, and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid.”

--Katharine Hepburn

I hate that feeling of regret and stupidity. I feel like I get it more now then ever. I don't know if I'm just being more stupid or if I'm more self concious or what, but its driving me crazy. I read into every little aspect of life and I take so much out of it that my nerves are shot and and I make my self crazy with worry. I'm a nut case. I'm so over analytical and theres nothing I can really do about it. Telling my self to just let go and not care doesn't work. I hate feeling stupid. Book smart stupid, social stupid, any kind of stupid. I guess nobody likes feeling like that, but I think i've gotten more than my fair share. I just want to be done. Done caring about everything that doesn't matter. Why can't I just let go.

The undefineable feeling that death leaves

""I know that they are in heaven, ... and I know that that's why this movement is growing because we have tens of thousands of angels behind us that are supporting us, that are saying, 'Well, you know we died and that was really crappy, but we hope that our deaths are going to make the world a better place,' and it's up to us to make sure that it does.""

--Cindy Sheehan (concerning the Iraqi war)

Today has been a roller coaster of crazy things. I found out that a friend from high school had passed away this morning by his own choice. When I first heard, I thought it had to have been some sick joke, not him, he's not one of those people. Somewhere inside I'm still praying it is some sick joke and that I won't find his obituary in the paper tomorrow. We weren't close, but all the same, I knew him and he knew me. He was a funny kid, able to make people laugh. I remember having a crush on him in 6th grade and telling another friend about it and it got all over school. I was so embarrassed. The utter embarrassment I experienced then doesn't come close to the sadness and regret that I feel for him and the loss of his life now. I can't imagine what he went through.

My intention isn't to pretend that he and I were close, because the truth of the matter is we didn't talk much at all, but some how in a big way I still feel so effected by his death. Death isn't something I've had a lot of experience with and it tends to leave me with a lack of words and emotions. All day I've just been stunned and continually thinking how sad and upset he must have been to make that irreversible choice and I can't wrap my head around what he must have felt.

Something that I take great comfort in was my second thought that came to mind after hearing the news. I instantly knew that he wasn't dead forever. I knew that he was watching and I had to wonder if he had known the affects that his death would have caused to hundreds, possibly thousands of friends, family and even the small acquaintances we make in life, such as old school mates, co workers, even almost strangers, if his choice would have been different. If he had known how many people really cared about his life, I think his choice would have been very different. I hope he see's the ripples that his death has made, even the small ones, and knows that people definitely cared. We were never close, but I would have wished him every happiness in life. May his family be comforted in knowing that he was loved by many, even if it was just in some small way, like a silly girls elementary crush.

Forever is an Intersting thing

Early this morning sometime between the hours of five and six a.m. I lay in my bed wide awake not having any sleep from the previous evening. I layed awake for hours tossing and turning. I turned on the t.v. once or twice, but the blurring noise only seemed to deter sleep even more. After lying awake for so many hours you lose track of where your thought has taken you. Until your laying there thinking about forever. My entire life seemed to flash before my eyes in a matter of minutes, maybe hours, and then it hit me. Forever. Its a concept I can't quite wrap my head around. The more I though about it, the bigger this black hole got in my head, until I could no longer control it. Luckily I awoke this morning, or should I say this afternoon, a little more rested and clear of thought. Now looking back, I can think about it, but the black hole only seemed to come from dwelling on it for so long and so hard. To be quite honest, it was a little scary. Its not something I would care to think about again. I seem to remember it happening to me a lot as a child, this was the first time in years thats it actually happened. Maybe I really was sleeping and its a reoccuring nightmare, but that huge black hole of nothingness is more vivid then somethings I experience in the day. Or I could possibly be insane... who knows.

Family is CrAzY.... but,

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

--Cary Grant

I don't think anyone can say that their family is "normal." My family is pretty much the furthest thing from normal. We all have our crazy quarks and idiosyncracies. I can't count how many times I've been embarrassed by my mother or how many times I've wanted to strangle my little sisters. Crazy enough, despite all of our issues, I wouldn't trade them for the world. Family isn't something that changes, if your lucky enough to keep them. Family is something very unique and quite rare. They know everything about you and they've seen you grow up all your life. I know some try and get away as soon as they can, and I definitely thought that would be me at one point in my life, but I don't think it wise to run from the people that love you the most, no matter how strange they are. I'm not one that typically gushes about family, but I think its important to realize that no matter what happens, there is always family, even if they are a bunch of weirdos. So here is my family.

Bonnie is my oldest sister, and I believe she is 32 if memory serves me right. She is married to my brother in law Mason and they have 2 kids, Ally and Brad. I adore Bonnie and Mason, you don't see many marriges these days that look healthy and capable of actually making it, but Bonnie and Mason are one of the few couples that make me believe that marrige is possible. With out them, I would have little faith in marrige at all.

Mark is my oldest brother and he turned 30 last year. He is married to the lovely Caitlin, and I pretty much like her in the family more than I like him. They have a little girl on the way thats due in June. Despite Mark's many... many quarks he's been a great example to me and I'm very proud of the person he has become.

Jared is my second oldest brother and is 28 in April. He is practically married to Jolene, who I adore. Jared is one of the most amazing people I've ever known in my life. He is rarely argumentative and will do anything in his power to make one happy. If most guys could be half the person he is, girls would be eternally happy.

Elyse is my second oldest siser and turns 22 this year. Still single, thank goodness, she is working on her Bachelors in English and should graduate next spring. Elyse and I were only two years apart in school, and grew up as friends. Although we hated eachother for a great deal of our childhood and teenage years, we were always best friends, even if we didn't show it. She is one of the most honest people I know and she has grown so much over the years.

Then there is Alyse who is two months younger than me. Although she is not technically blood related, she as much a part of my family as the rest. I've known her since 6th grade and until now, haven't gone more than a couple weeks with out seeing her in the last 7 years. We've been together through thick and thin and I can't imagine what I would have done with out her. I admire every qualty she has and aspire to be at least a quarter of what she is.

Then there is Moriya, who turns 13 this year. She is the funniest girl. We never hung out much, because of the 7 year gap, until I moved back home for a couple of months. I don't know when it happened, but I blinked and she grew up. She is an amazing listener and I relate to her so much, but not because I'm a good listener ;-), because I'm not. She is the sweetest girl, and she has got looks that can kill. She's 13 and she gets hit on by some of my college buddies(they didn't know she was 13, she doesn't really look it.)

Last to round it out, is Lia. She turns 9 in May and is the most loving little girl I know. She is a little crazy and could probably kick the energizer bunnies trash in a race. She is very excentric and fun loving. Although she can be a little overbearing to some, her heart is always in the right place and I admire her in many ways.

My mom, Laurie turned 50 this January and is now offically on the back 9. I didn't fight with her much, but we didn't really talk a ton either. She is an amazing worker and is very creative and compassionate. I think my mother would do anything to help someone in need and has done more to serve others in one year than most people do in a life time.

My dad, Mark is 56 this April. He's been one of my greatest heros. He's really kind of crazy and a little odd, but extremely outgoing and loving. I think I'm most like him out of anybody in my family... the good and the bad. Growing up my dad would say "I love you" all the time and its something I now see as invaluable as a child. He's never been perfect, but through the years he seems to get closer and closer.

And there you have it. We are a rather large and crazy bunch of people, who probably don't see eachother often enough, but they probably are the very few ties that I will have forever.

Venting about society

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."


--Oscar Wilde


I think Mr. Wilde undoubtedly very wise. There is very little left in this world of originality. We see movie after movie with the same plot and we read book after book with the same story. We see styles or ideas we like in other people, and we adopt them ourselves. In essence, each individual is a walking conglomeration of somebody else’s thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. It is said that mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, so why do we get so upset when someone imitates us? People enjoy saying their original, or that they were the "first" to do or say something. Everybody wants to be a trend-setter, but we like to be in control of who follows that trend. We build on top of what our predecessors have already done. As children we frequently hear the term "copycat", and I can't remember a time when that term wasn't derogatory. The same idea seems to hide behind diferent expressions. Interesting how the world continues to turn and two things rarely change. The first being pride, and the second being hypocrisy.

Untitled

"I am convinced that there are universal currents of divine thought vibrating the ether everywhere and that any who can feel these vibrations is inspired."

--Richard Wagner

I realize that most of what I write here has no lasting influence or meaning. Most days when I look back at what I've written I just shake my head. Sometimes I think I try too hard to make it sound good, and it ends up sounding very juvenile, which I'm well aware of. But thats how it is. I'm still very young and immature and cognizant of my adolescent writing. Sometimes I'm trying to make a statement and other times I'm just writing whatever comes to my head. Sometimes I write like its a journal, other times I write like I'm telling a story. On rare occasions I even write in editorial style, however awful it may be. I'v written about things from movie reviews to politics to life lessons I've managed to pick up. I tend to quote people that I admire and I enjoy exploring what they mean. I don't usually aim to inspire and I hardly consider anything I write to be divine thought. For the most part, my only intention is to make myself think and everyonce and a while I might leave an impression on somebody else. So while some may read what I write and see it as naive, (which I wouldn't really argue with) I'm just trying to find my way through,... my lost thoughts.

Out of Breath and Out of Time

"Unkbeknownst to most historians, Einstein started down the road of professional basketball before an ankle injury diverted him to science."

--Gary Larson


I love basketball. I used to play back in high school, but I didn't play after my sophmore year because of an injury,... or because I wasn't good enough, still debating it in my head. I get together with a group of girls every Thursday night and play a pick up game. Usually I'm the youngest there, and most days I'm the most out of shape one there. Most of them are either runners or bikers, and I'm just a, well I don't really do much of any athletics these days. I'm sure back in my high school days I would have at least been able to keep up, but now I'm definitely just sucking wind as they cross me over. I think I better start jogging or something. Anyway I'm getting off track. Basketball is something that has changed my life. I remember trying out my sophmore year and getting all the way to the gym doors, where I paced back and forth for a solid 10 minutes before I walked in. Finally I got up the courage to walk in and I instantly regreted it. Now I'm a tall girl, about 6'0 at the time, but I shrank to about 4'8 just looking at what I had gotten in to. I think my coach got excited to see me only to be let down later after seeing my lack of cordination with a basketball. We started doing drills, none of which I was familiar with, which didn't help my nerves. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I'm pretty sure I was dismal on my first day. At the end of the day we started doing sprints. I've never ran so hard in my life and I'm pretty sure I puked in the trash can in th hall. By some whim of mere faith in my height, the coach didn't cut me that first day and I couldn't believe it. I got home tired, but proud of myself. The next day I had nerves in my stomach all through my classes, but the second day of tryouts weren't nearly as bad as the first. Sprints were much, much worse and I came the closest to passing out that I ever have from exhaustion. He cut anywhere from 15 to 20 girls that day, but amazingly I was still there and I was begining to wonder if he'd forgot to cut me. But sure enough I was there on the third and final day. It was down to 13 girls, and I knew he wasn't going to take all of us. I did fairly well with the drills but I couldn't help the negative feeling that I was going to be the last one cut. As I expected I was called in to his office right before we start sprints and I braced myself for the rejection and promised myself I wouldn't cry. I don't remember anything he said but his last 7 words, "We'd like to keep all of you." After that things happened so fast. They lined us up in the locker room and gave us all our gear; sweats, shirts, uniforms, hoodies, warm ups. I was still in a state of shock walking home with all of it. To this day, that was one of my greatest accomplishments. I've never been worked so hard in my life, practicing nearly 3 hours a day 6 days a week. Looking back at all the blood, bruises, sweat, and tears, I wouldn't trade those 4 months for all the money in the world, honestly. Its one of the few things in my life that I stuck to and suceeded. I was by no means a very good player in the begining. But by the end I was starting the games. I tried out my junior year and fractured my ankle in the third day of tryouts, I still can't help but wonder if I would have made it other wise. By senior year, I was a year behind in expierence and not in the shape I needed to be, but I tried out anyways, not wanting to have to wonder the rest of my life if I was good enough. It came as no surprise that I didn't make it, but thats probably the second thing I'm most proud of. It took a lot for me to go back and try out after my coach had personaly rejected me the previous year. To this day I have no regrets about basketball.