The undefineable feeling that death leaves

""I know that they are in heaven, ... and I know that that's why this movement is growing because we have tens of thousands of angels behind us that are supporting us, that are saying, 'Well, you know we died and that was really crappy, but we hope that our deaths are going to make the world a better place,' and it's up to us to make sure that it does.""

--Cindy Sheehan (concerning the Iraqi war)

Today has been a roller coaster of crazy things. I found out that a friend from high school had passed away this morning by his own choice. When I first heard, I thought it had to have been some sick joke, not him, he's not one of those people. Somewhere inside I'm still praying it is some sick joke and that I won't find his obituary in the paper tomorrow. We weren't close, but all the same, I knew him and he knew me. He was a funny kid, able to make people laugh. I remember having a crush on him in 6th grade and telling another friend about it and it got all over school. I was so embarrassed. The utter embarrassment I experienced then doesn't come close to the sadness and regret that I feel for him and the loss of his life now. I can't imagine what he went through.

My intention isn't to pretend that he and I were close, because the truth of the matter is we didn't talk much at all, but some how in a big way I still feel so effected by his death. Death isn't something I've had a lot of experience with and it tends to leave me with a lack of words and emotions. All day I've just been stunned and continually thinking how sad and upset he must have been to make that irreversible choice and I can't wrap my head around what he must have felt.

Something that I take great comfort in was my second thought that came to mind after hearing the news. I instantly knew that he wasn't dead forever. I knew that he was watching and I had to wonder if he had known the affects that his death would have caused to hundreds, possibly thousands of friends, family and even the small acquaintances we make in life, such as old school mates, co workers, even almost strangers, if his choice would have been different. If he had known how many people really cared about his life, I think his choice would have been very different. I hope he see's the ripples that his death has made, even the small ones, and knows that people definitely cared. We were never close, but I would have wished him every happiness in life. May his family be comforted in knowing that he was loved by many, even if it was just in some small way, like a silly girls elementary crush.