Success, not so much.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Confession #1: I'm not a very good listener. I've tried desperately in the past and I'm just awful at it. I used to love to talk and today I realized that I hate to talk! I listened to Amanda and Kel talk about there "5 year plan" and realized that I do not want to be like that. I've raved about how I'm going to do this and that, but am I really? Talk is cheap and I'm a little bitter about it. There are things I want to do in my life, but I want to stop saying it and just do it. I've been thinking of what’s stopping me and I can think of dozens of obstacles. My job for one, my family, school, my fear, and the simple fact that I am still waiting around for something to happen. I feel so incredibly stuck and not just in the actual physical sense, but the mentality of it too. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I'm angry at myself for just sitting here and taking the easy route in everything I do.


Confession #2: I have no self discipline and because of that I'm limited in what I can do. It sounds a little oxy-moronic, but its not. I don't know if its normal or this way for everyone, but I always take the easy way out. I'm floating my way through a mediocre life. You hear the saying you get out what you put in, actually it’s a law of physics. I haven't been doing anything in my life the last 2 years 100%, or even close. I give a half crap effort that gets me by and keeps me happy. I'm not proud of it, but how does one just simply start living completely different?


Confession #3: I'm proud, afraid, and to be honest, selfish. I have a hard time letting go. I can forgive people, but I think I do it with a kind of arrogance that even disgusts me a little. I would like to say I'm not judgmental, but I feel as if I'm always comparing people. Whether its me and my sister or two strangers I hardly know, I do it subconsciously and its awful. I'm afraid to let people see me as how I really am. Its like I’m embarrassed to be me, which is probably a good thing considering i’m a bit odd and over the top. Clearly I have a whole slew of faults and for self esteem purposes, I probably shouldn't pick them all apart at once, but I wish I could just fix me. I'm sure I sound stupid and naive, but I wish I just had an quick fix button in life. I want to do something and be somebody that I'm happy with, unfortunately there are no quick fixes in life and I feel like I can't stick with anything long enough to actually fix it anyway.