Influencial People

Just some of the many people I admire and look up to that have taught me so much. (in no particular order)

Bonnie Ray Haycock - For being quick to forgive and slow to anger.

Issac's wife Rachel - For never losing sight and her willingness to wait.

Dr. Suess - For seeing the world through a child's eyes and then sharing it with the world.

My parents - For their desire to help and to love.

Christ - For sacrificing everything.

Jeanene Davis - For her amazing cooking skills and her ability to love and accept.

Jared Bradley - For being one of the greatest peacemakers.

Anne Frank - For writing her story and being honest with the world.

Moriya Bradley - For being an amazing friend.

Cameron Grant - For going back out into the mission field.

My grandmother - For her unconditional love.

Esther - For standing up and risking her life for friends and family.

Alyse Marchant - For her love of life.

Lia Rose - For always dancing to the beat of her own drum.

Jane Austin - For chasing after her dream.

B. Heidi Marchant - For being the closest I've seen to true perfection.

Frodo Baggins - For arising to the occasion.

Joseph Smith - For his persistence in the face of ridicule.

Elyse Bradley - For her ability to stay be a constant in a changing world.

Mrs. Brough - For ability to make learning fun.

Kellie Harkness - For being able to relate and sympathise.

Thayne Davis - For his self confidence.

Michelle Pace - For not letting talent get to her head.

Ralph Waldo Emerson - For his ability to put thoughts into great words.

C.O.F. - For being a true gentleman under the surface.

Just filling the time with nothing

I feel so unproductive. Granted, I am rather enjoying it, but its getting old and I still have til May 9th! I guess its not that far and I haven't really been sick of my just working life til now, so there's something to be grateful for. I spent a weekend in Logan, just hanging in the college life, and now I've spent a weekend in Provo, just hanging in the college life, and I'm so ready to re-enter the college life. Don't get me wrong, my parents have been great, but I'm so done being anti social. I watched 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls!!!! SEVEN! Sad, no like really pathetic, and the worst part of it is, I've totally been o.k. with being the person that doesn't go out, because I had plans, and I knew I wouldn't be in that situation long. I have read a ton more than usual and work, and pay off debt, but I'm ready to be productive again. This next month and half is going to be pretty awful. Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm totally making a mad run for it. All in all though, my lame little break from the real world has been good. I think I've grown and learned from it and there aren't any regrets... I'm just ready to go back to being that crazy, weird, outgoing 19 year old that I was.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."




-- Anne Bradstree

Life is full of surprises. Some expected, others welcomed, several unwanted, and everything else shoved in between. Right now my life is simple, I think its always been simple. Taking a step back and looking at the broad spectrum of things, my life has been rather trivial so far. I had saved the title of this entry along with the quote a few days ago so that I wouldn't lose my train of thought. I was going to write about how we all have rough times, but it makes the good times seem so much sweeter and something to that extent. Coming to the blog today, I looked at it completely different. I'm looking at all the things I've been through and the stupid things I've done, and I'm coming up completely dry. I haven't even tasted adversity, I'm not about to preach about it. I'm young, naive, but trying desperately to figure things out. Life comes in a whirl wind of colors, and I'm finding my self a little color blind at the moment. My significance means very little in the grand scheme of things. I'm reminded of the little colored bar that turbo tax showed me after filing my taxes. My chance of being audited, pretty much minuscule in comparison to the wide range of colors going from green to red. I have very little to complain about in life. So about my start over button. I'm pressing it, things are going to go down on a much smaller scale for me, but I'm keeping the birds eye view for perspective.

Always Changing

“The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.”

--Aldous Huxley


Something interesting I've noticed about me is that I love change. Change in almost anything. I get bored of things I've seen too much. If you've read my blog somewhat in the past, you know that I go through about a template a month. If you know me personally I change my hand writing very often. I don't really think about it, I just kind of do it. I love trying new things, I have a lot of fun experimenting with different ideas and styles. Its fun to barrow some other persons ideas and make them your own. I feel like my life is in constant change, because I like it that way. Now I'm sure certain aspects of my life stay the same, but I really do love change. There is something exciting in being innovative and new. I love meeting new people and switching things up. I do get comfortable with somethings, but I enjoy switching em up as well.

Start Over Button

“I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret… if you have any sense, and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid.”

--Katharine Hepburn

I hate that feeling of regret and stupidity. I feel like I get it more now then ever. I don't know if I'm just being more stupid or if I'm more self concious or what, but its driving me crazy. I read into every little aspect of life and I take so much out of it that my nerves are shot and and I make my self crazy with worry. I'm a nut case. I'm so over analytical and theres nothing I can really do about it. Telling my self to just let go and not care doesn't work. I hate feeling stupid. Book smart stupid, social stupid, any kind of stupid. I guess nobody likes feeling like that, but I think i've gotten more than my fair share. I just want to be done. Done caring about everything that doesn't matter. Why can't I just let go.

The undefineable feeling that death leaves

""I know that they are in heaven, ... and I know that that's why this movement is growing because we have tens of thousands of angels behind us that are supporting us, that are saying, 'Well, you know we died and that was really crappy, but we hope that our deaths are going to make the world a better place,' and it's up to us to make sure that it does.""

--Cindy Sheehan (concerning the Iraqi war)

Today has been a roller coaster of crazy things. I found out that a friend from high school had passed away this morning by his own choice. When I first heard, I thought it had to have been some sick joke, not him, he's not one of those people. Somewhere inside I'm still praying it is some sick joke and that I won't find his obituary in the paper tomorrow. We weren't close, but all the same, I knew him and he knew me. He was a funny kid, able to make people laugh. I remember having a crush on him in 6th grade and telling another friend about it and it got all over school. I was so embarrassed. The utter embarrassment I experienced then doesn't come close to the sadness and regret that I feel for him and the loss of his life now. I can't imagine what he went through.

My intention isn't to pretend that he and I were close, because the truth of the matter is we didn't talk much at all, but some how in a big way I still feel so effected by his death. Death isn't something I've had a lot of experience with and it tends to leave me with a lack of words and emotions. All day I've just been stunned and continually thinking how sad and upset he must have been to make that irreversible choice and I can't wrap my head around what he must have felt.

Something that I take great comfort in was my second thought that came to mind after hearing the news. I instantly knew that he wasn't dead forever. I knew that he was watching and I had to wonder if he had known the affects that his death would have caused to hundreds, possibly thousands of friends, family and even the small acquaintances we make in life, such as old school mates, co workers, even almost strangers, if his choice would have been different. If he had known how many people really cared about his life, I think his choice would have been very different. I hope he see's the ripples that his death has made, even the small ones, and knows that people definitely cared. We were never close, but I would have wished him every happiness in life. May his family be comforted in knowing that he was loved by many, even if it was just in some small way, like a silly girls elementary crush.

Forever is an Intersting thing

Early this morning sometime between the hours of five and six a.m. I lay in my bed wide awake not having any sleep from the previous evening. I layed awake for hours tossing and turning. I turned on the t.v. once or twice, but the blurring noise only seemed to deter sleep even more. After lying awake for so many hours you lose track of where your thought has taken you. Until your laying there thinking about forever. My entire life seemed to flash before my eyes in a matter of minutes, maybe hours, and then it hit me. Forever. Its a concept I can't quite wrap my head around. The more I though about it, the bigger this black hole got in my head, until I could no longer control it. Luckily I awoke this morning, or should I say this afternoon, a little more rested and clear of thought. Now looking back, I can think about it, but the black hole only seemed to come from dwelling on it for so long and so hard. To be quite honest, it was a little scary. Its not something I would care to think about again. I seem to remember it happening to me a lot as a child, this was the first time in years thats it actually happened. Maybe I really was sleeping and its a reoccuring nightmare, but that huge black hole of nothingness is more vivid then somethings I experience in the day. Or I could possibly be insane... who knows.