Super Tuesday... Not so Super

Those who stay away from the election think that one vote will do no good: Tis but one step more two think one vote will do no harm."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson is pretty much my hero, I quote him all the time sorry if it gets a little dull, but the man said some powerful, eloquent, persuasive words in his time.

I'm upset for multiple reasons, so I'm going to rage just a little bit. First of all, voter turnout sucks! In my opinion the primary is a bigger deal then the actual election in November. I was upset to find out that many of my peers not only didn't vote but aren't even registered! I claim if you don't vote, you have no right to complain about anything that is done in the American government.

Second of all, I don't like the results so far! In fact you could say I hate the results. I'm not a big fan of Romney, but I would take Romney before McCain, McCain just makes my skin crawl, and if he wins the election in November I will seriously contemplate moving out of the country. As of right now McCain has 487 delegates compared to Romney's 176, which worries me immensely. Another upset was that Hilary came out ahead of Obama, but with Clinton’s 576 and Obama's 470, I'm thinking Obama will pull through,... I hope! My worse case scenario would be having Clinton as the Dem and McCain as the Rep, I would lose all hope in my country. Obama would certainly be my first choice, followed by Romney. Clearly things aren't playing out as I had hoped, but there are still more than half the delegates to be decided so I'll hold on to my shreds of hope. Best case scenario would be Romney and Obama, but that dream becomes more and more unrealistic day by day. Lets just hope that people get out to those polls and vote! That’s what is important.

Success, not so much.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Confession #1: I'm not a very good listener. I've tried desperately in the past and I'm just awful at it. I used to love to talk and today I realized that I hate to talk! I listened to Amanda and Kel talk about there "5 year plan" and realized that I do not want to be like that. I've raved about how I'm going to do this and that, but am I really? Talk is cheap and I'm a little bitter about it. There are things I want to do in my life, but I want to stop saying it and just do it. I've been thinking of what’s stopping me and I can think of dozens of obstacles. My job for one, my family, school, my fear, and the simple fact that I am still waiting around for something to happen. I feel so incredibly stuck and not just in the actual physical sense, but the mentality of it too. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I'm angry at myself for just sitting here and taking the easy route in everything I do.


Confession #2: I have no self discipline and because of that I'm limited in what I can do. It sounds a little oxy-moronic, but its not. I don't know if its normal or this way for everyone, but I always take the easy way out. I'm floating my way through a mediocre life. You hear the saying you get out what you put in, actually it’s a law of physics. I haven't been doing anything in my life the last 2 years 100%, or even close. I give a half crap effort that gets me by and keeps me happy. I'm not proud of it, but how does one just simply start living completely different?


Confession #3: I'm proud, afraid, and to be honest, selfish. I have a hard time letting go. I can forgive people, but I think I do it with a kind of arrogance that even disgusts me a little. I would like to say I'm not judgmental, but I feel as if I'm always comparing people. Whether its me and my sister or two strangers I hardly know, I do it subconsciously and its awful. I'm afraid to let people see me as how I really am. Its like I’m embarrassed to be me, which is probably a good thing considering i’m a bit odd and over the top. Clearly I have a whole slew of faults and for self esteem purposes, I probably shouldn't pick them all apart at once, but I wish I could just fix me. I'm sure I sound stupid and naive, but I wish I just had an quick fix button in life. I want to do something and be somebody that I'm happy with, unfortunately there are no quick fixes in life and I feel like I can't stick with anything long enough to actually fix it anyway.

What I regret...

"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say,'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then theyput the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it,and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but theynever even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say,'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in."

-- Erma Bombeck


Growing up I always heard people, friends, family, even strangers, talk about all their regrets in life. Some were small, others seemed huge, but all the same, regrets stick with you forever. I looked at women who were in their 80's and saw the regret behind their eyes and I promised myself that would never be me. By no means am I old, but I already feel like I've missed out or messed up so much. I have an extremely dificult time letting go of my past. There are already so many "Wish I would have's". I love to dream. Infact I'm probably one of the biggest dreamers you'll ever meet. If you ever sit down with me and talk you'd know I have high aspirations. I want to travel so badly! I want to go on an LDS mission. I want a masters in Journalism and a Bachelors in Political Science. I want to study abroad. I want to write books! I'd love to eventually have a family. I would love to train for six to eight months and see if I could get on a Junior College womens basketball team. I want to get out of debt and actually save some money!I want to be fit and in shape and healthy. I want to finish the Book Of Mormon. I want to read a ridiculous amount of books. I love to learn! I just wish I was better at it, and what have I done with all these dreams.... nothing, and I know if I don't change something fast, I will be the queen of regret.

Not That I'm Complaining, but...

It's been a rather interesting and unfortunate week and it just seemed to get better and better as time went on. Earlier this week as I already stated, I caught the worst cold of all time. I thought I handled it fairly well. I didn't go around complaining or making excuses. I took my vitamin C, my antibiotics and moved on. Unfortunately, I still I have the cold, which now may not actually be a cold, but mono. Things started to look up on Saturday though. I was feeling a little better and I was capable of breathing through my nose, so I went out to dinner and a movie with a friend. After much debate, we decided on I am Legend. Definitely a good choice. A little different, rather strange, but entertaining and extremely thought provoking. A word to the wise, it's a really jumpy movie. After the movie, we went to Panda Express, upon my friend's request. I didn't mind, but very uncharacteristically I got some new Thai chicken that I thought looked good, and it was. We spent the rest of the night messing around and then went ice skating. I got home pretty late and a little banged up from the ice skating, but my cold was no worse and I was exhausted and fell asleep fairly quickly. Sadly, I awoke around four a.m. to my entire face being swollen and a sore throat from hell. Who knew I was allergic to Thai chicken? To make matters even worse, I've been taking Nyquil for my cold, so I can't even take Benedril to make the swelling go down. Luckily my tongue isn't swollen, so I can still breathe. I suppose that is something to be grateful for.

Cold of Death

Normally, I'm not one to get sick. I went years without ever having a cold or even a runny nose. I guess this is the worlds way of paying me back. I have never had a cold bad enough where I was desperate for Nyquil, Dayquil and Sudafed, pretty much the entire cold medicine family. You know the labels on the back of the box that tell you not mix the drugs with any Tylenol and right below there is a rather large list of symptoms that the particular drug is supposed to fix, I'm here to tell you I had ALL of the symptoms. To make matters even better, I have one of my bottom wisdom teeth coming in and I feel like I'm teething all over again. But I suppose I can't be to upset with my incredible track record for colds.

Live in the moment

Do you know the strange feeling of going back to something that was once there but now even though its there, its completely different. I think I take for granted living in the moment so often. As I go back through places I've been and times in my life, I expect them to be the same.... and there not. Its like walking into an echo of your past. Its the same on the hollow, but every thing is different when looked at more carefully. You get an inconsolable feeling that brings a new sadness to your present. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is the thought that from then on forward I don't want take for granted the time and moment in which I'm living. Life is continually changing and evolving around us. If we dwell on the past too much or the future to little, we lose sight of what is most important, the present. Its good to remember but not to dwell. Its good to aspire but not to obsess. Each moment in life should be lived knowing that it will never come around again, and therefore should be held to be the most precious in the hands of those who hold it.

I can't help but be irritated

The day hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been bad. There was nothing blissfully happy about it and yet it was just another day. But this evening I've had an underlying current of anger and irritation and I can't figure out why. I know what your thinking, its not pms. I genuinely want to be angry and I don't understand why. I was reading with my little sister, like I do every night, and I had to generate all the patience in the world not to blow up at her. She didn't do anything at all. We had pleasant conversation and I don't think she really noticed, but even now I find myself irritated and frankly furious for no reason. I'm not mad at anyone, so the anger isn't directed at anyone but yet here I am beside myself with absolute rage. I've never experienced such irritation and genuine anger with no apparent cause. I find it even difficult to write because I clench my fists and lock my jaw so frequently... I'm not generally an angry person, in fact you could say I'm quite the opposite, I don't lose my temper very often, because usually no one can set me off to the point where I'm genuinely angry. I don't understand it.