What I regret...

"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say,'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then theyput the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it,and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but theynever even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say,'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in."

-- Erma Bombeck


Growing up I always heard people, friends, family, even strangers, talk about all their regrets in life. Some were small, others seemed huge, but all the same, regrets stick with you forever. I looked at women who were in their 80's and saw the regret behind their eyes and I promised myself that would never be me. By no means am I old, but I already feel like I've missed out or messed up so much. I have an extremely dificult time letting go of my past. There are already so many "Wish I would have's". I love to dream. Infact I'm probably one of the biggest dreamers you'll ever meet. If you ever sit down with me and talk you'd know I have high aspirations. I want to travel so badly! I want to go on an LDS mission. I want a masters in Journalism and a Bachelors in Political Science. I want to study abroad. I want to write books! I'd love to eventually have a family. I would love to train for six to eight months and see if I could get on a Junior College womens basketball team. I want to get out of debt and actually save some money!I want to be fit and in shape and healthy. I want to finish the Book Of Mormon. I want to read a ridiculous amount of books. I love to learn! I just wish I was better at it, and what have I done with all these dreams.... nothing, and I know if I don't change something fast, I will be the queen of regret.

Not That I'm Complaining, but...

It's been a rather interesting and unfortunate week and it just seemed to get better and better as time went on. Earlier this week as I already stated, I caught the worst cold of all time. I thought I handled it fairly well. I didn't go around complaining or making excuses. I took my vitamin C, my antibiotics and moved on. Unfortunately, I still I have the cold, which now may not actually be a cold, but mono. Things started to look up on Saturday though. I was feeling a little better and I was capable of breathing through my nose, so I went out to dinner and a movie with a friend. After much debate, we decided on I am Legend. Definitely a good choice. A little different, rather strange, but entertaining and extremely thought provoking. A word to the wise, it's a really jumpy movie. After the movie, we went to Panda Express, upon my friend's request. I didn't mind, but very uncharacteristically I got some new Thai chicken that I thought looked good, and it was. We spent the rest of the night messing around and then went ice skating. I got home pretty late and a little banged up from the ice skating, but my cold was no worse and I was exhausted and fell asleep fairly quickly. Sadly, I awoke around four a.m. to my entire face being swollen and a sore throat from hell. Who knew I was allergic to Thai chicken? To make matters even worse, I've been taking Nyquil for my cold, so I can't even take Benedril to make the swelling go down. Luckily my tongue isn't swollen, so I can still breathe. I suppose that is something to be grateful for.

Cold of Death

Normally, I'm not one to get sick. I went years without ever having a cold or even a runny nose. I guess this is the worlds way of paying me back. I have never had a cold bad enough where I was desperate for Nyquil, Dayquil and Sudafed, pretty much the entire cold medicine family. You know the labels on the back of the box that tell you not mix the drugs with any Tylenol and right below there is a rather large list of symptoms that the particular drug is supposed to fix, I'm here to tell you I had ALL of the symptoms. To make matters even better, I have one of my bottom wisdom teeth coming in and I feel like I'm teething all over again. But I suppose I can't be to upset with my incredible track record for colds.

Live in the moment

Do you know the strange feeling of going back to something that was once there but now even though its there, its completely different. I think I take for granted living in the moment so often. As I go back through places I've been and times in my life, I expect them to be the same.... and there not. Its like walking into an echo of your past. Its the same on the hollow, but every thing is different when looked at more carefully. You get an inconsolable feeling that brings a new sadness to your present. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is the thought that from then on forward I don't want take for granted the time and moment in which I'm living. Life is continually changing and evolving around us. If we dwell on the past too much or the future to little, we lose sight of what is most important, the present. Its good to remember but not to dwell. Its good to aspire but not to obsess. Each moment in life should be lived knowing that it will never come around again, and therefore should be held to be the most precious in the hands of those who hold it.

I can't help but be irritated

The day hasn't been perfect, but it hasn't been bad. There was nothing blissfully happy about it and yet it was just another day. But this evening I've had an underlying current of anger and irritation and I can't figure out why. I know what your thinking, its not pms. I genuinely want to be angry and I don't understand why. I was reading with my little sister, like I do every night, and I had to generate all the patience in the world not to blow up at her. She didn't do anything at all. We had pleasant conversation and I don't think she really noticed, but even now I find myself irritated and frankly furious for no reason. I'm not mad at anyone, so the anger isn't directed at anyone but yet here I am beside myself with absolute rage. I've never experienced such irritation and genuine anger with no apparent cause. I find it even difficult to write because I clench my fists and lock my jaw so frequently... I'm not generally an angry person, in fact you could say I'm quite the opposite, I don't lose my temper very often, because usually no one can set me off to the point where I'm genuinely angry. I don't understand it.

The new year begins and one friendship dies

I didn't make any resolutions. I've made resolutions every year, only to fall short and fail in sometime around March. I figure I know what I want to do and what I want to change this year, I'm just not going to write it down or tell anyone about it, maybe then I can achieve it, because what I've been doing for the past years is clearly not working.

There is nothing better than having a friend that not only meets your expectations but exceeds them, sadly the opposite is true for the disappointments. I've had this friend, shall we call him 'James' who I've known for a short time, but he's quite exceeded my expectations. He's been genuine, kind, caring, and he put a smile on my face when few people could, to be quite honest, I was completely smitten by him. I had been completely honest with 'James' in everything, but there was something I hadn't told him, just because it hadn't come up, not because I was ashamed of it. But I knew the topic would come up eventually and I would willingly tell him. Sure enough, it came up, and I told him that I was LDS. I was a little worried at first, but I expected him to at least accept it. I was shocked when by the end of our conversation the last words he said to me were "I don't really know what to say or where that leaves us." Taken back I said confused, but quite adamantly, "It leaves us as friends!" Sadly he hasn't spoken to me since, and I can't help but feel hurt. I wasn't asking him to believe my religion, or even respect it for that matter, I just expected him to accept me as I had him. I never want to end a friendship with someone on the mere basis that we believe something different. Isn't that counter-productive for everyone?

The only thing left is the execution...

I spent most of my day reading brochures and such on study abroad information. Drifting in and out of the thought of actually going to England. For as long as I can remember, traveling has been one of my greatest desires, if not THE greatest desire. I fall asleep at night dreaming of all the places I haven't seen. I can not describe in words the nagging feeling I have in me telling me its time. Its as if I've waited my whole life thus far to travel, and now I'm old enough that I can and the thought of it simply makes me euphoric. All my life I've told people that I'm going to travel, and not just here and there, I'm talking about spending months in Spain, France, Italy, and Rome, with nothing but a backpack and a camera. I don't want to be that person that wishes they had seen more when they had the chance. Now is my chance, and I'm really quite determined to not let anything stop me. I think I was made to travel. I wish I could explain in words how much I want it. I think its somewhat like losing someone you love, or maybe loving someone your whole life that you've never been able to meet. I've been bolted down to one place, til now, and I feel as if I'm already pulling up roots and getting ready to leave. I'm not someone who can stand complacent, I've had 19 years to stand still. I'm practically screaming to leave. The only thing left to do is execute my plans. Just the thought of it makes me feel like I could fly.