“I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret… if you have any sense, and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid.”
--Katharine Hepburn
I hate that feeling of regret and stupidity. I feel like I get it more now then ever. I don't know if I'm just being more stupid or if I'm more self concious or what, but its driving me crazy. I read into every little aspect of life and I take so much out of it that my nerves are shot and and I make my self crazy with worry. I'm a nut case. I'm so over analytical and theres nothing I can really do about it. Telling my self to just let go and not care doesn't work. I hate feeling stupid. Book smart stupid, social stupid, any kind of stupid. I guess nobody likes feeling like that, but I think i've gotten more than my fair share. I just want to be done. Done caring about everything that doesn't matter. Why can't I just let go.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The undefineable feeling that death leaves
""I know that they are in heaven, ... and I know that that's why this movement is growing because we have tens of thousands of angels behind us that are supporting us, that are saying, 'Well, you know we died and that was really crappy, but we hope that our deaths are going to make the world a better place,' and it's up to us to make sure that it does.""
--Cindy Sheehan (concerning the Iraqi war)
Today has been a roller coaster of crazy things. I found out that a friend from high school had passed away this morning by his own choice. When I first heard, I thought it had to have been some sick joke, not him, he's not one of those people. Somewhere inside I'm still praying it is some sick joke and that I won't find his obituary in the paper tomorrow. We weren't close, but all the same, I knew him and he knew me. He was a funny kid, able to make people laugh. I remember having a crush on him in 6th grade and telling another friend about it and it got all over school. I was so embarrassed. The utter embarrassment I experienced then doesn't come close to the sadness and regret that I feel for him and the loss of his life now. I can't imagine what he went through.
My intention isn't to pretend that he and I were close, because the truth of the matter is we didn't talk much at all, but some how in a big way I still feel so effected by his death. Death isn't something I've had a lot of experience with and it tends to leave me with a lack of words and emotions. All day I've just been stunned and continually thinking how sad and upset he must have been to make that irreversible choice and I can't wrap my head around what he must have felt.
Something that I take great comfort in was my second thought that came to mind after hearing the news. I instantly knew that he wasn't dead forever. I knew that he was watching and I had to wonder if he had known the affects that his death would have caused to hundreds, possibly thousands of friends, family and even the small acquaintances we make in life, such as old school mates, co workers, even almost strangers, if his choice would have been different. If he had known how many people really cared about his life, I think his choice would have been very different. I hope he see's the ripples that his death has made, even the small ones, and knows that people definitely cared. We were never close, but I would have wished him every happiness in life. May his family be comforted in knowing that he was loved by many, even if it was just in some small way, like a silly girls elementary crush.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Forever is an Intersting thing
Early this morning sometime between the hours of five and six a.m. I lay in my bed wide awake not having any sleep from the previous evening. I layed awake for hours tossing and turning. I turned on the t.v. once or twice, but the blurring noise only seemed to deter sleep even more. After lying awake for so many hours you lose track of where your thought has taken you. Until your laying there thinking about forever. My entire life seemed to flash before my eyes in a matter of minutes, maybe hours, and then it hit me. Forever. Its a concept I can't quite wrap my head around. The more I though about it, the bigger this black hole got in my head, until I could no longer control it. Luckily I awoke this morning, or should I say this afternoon, a little more rested and clear of thought. Now looking back, I can think about it, but the black hole only seemed to come from dwelling on it for so long and so hard. To be quite honest, it was a little scary. Its not something I would care to think about again. I seem to remember it happening to me a lot as a child, this was the first time in years thats it actually happened. Maybe I really was sleeping and its a reoccuring nightmare, but that huge black hole of nothingness is more vivid then somethings I experience in the day. Or I could possibly be insane... who knows.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Family is CrAzY.... but,
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
--Cary Grant
--Cary Grant
I don't think anyone can say that their family is "normal." My family is pretty much the furthest thing from normal. We all have our crazy quarks and idiosyncracies. I can't count how many times I've been embarrassed by my mother or how many times I've wanted to strangle my little sisters. Crazy enough, despite all of our issues, I wouldn't trade them for the world. Family isn't something that changes, if your lucky enough to keep them. Family is something very unique and quite rare. They know everything about you and they've seen you grow up all your life. I know some try and get away as soon as they can, and I definitely thought that would be me at one point in my life, but I don't think it wise to run from the people that love you the most, no matter how strange they are. I'm not one that typically gushes about family, but I think its important to realize that no matter what happens, there is always family, even if they are a bunch of weirdos. So here is my family.
Bonnie is my oldest sister, and I believe she is 32 if memory serves me right. She is married to my brother in law Mason and they have 2 kids, Ally and Brad. I adore Bonnie and Mason, you don't see many marriges these days that look healthy and capable of actually making it, but Bonnie and Mason are one of the few couples that make me believe that marrige is possible. With out them, I would have little faith in marrige at all.
Mark is my oldest brother and he turned 30 last year. He is married to the lovely Caitlin, and I pretty much like her in the family more than I like him. They have a little girl on the way thats due in June. Despite Mark's many... many quarks he's been a great example to me and I'm very proud of the person he has become.
Jared is my second oldest brother and is 28 in April. He is practically married to Jolene, who I adore. Jared is one of the most amazing people I've ever known in my life. He is rarely argumentative and will do anything in his power to make one happy. If most guys could be half the person he is, girls would be eternally happy.
Elyse is my second oldest siser and turns 22 this year. Still single, thank goodness, she is working on her Bachelors in English and should graduate next spring. Elyse and I were only two years apart in school, and grew up as friends. Although we hated eachother for a great deal of our childhood and teenage years, we were always best friends, even if we didn't show it. She is one of the most honest people I know and she has grown so much over the years.
Then there is Alyse who is two months younger than me. Although she is not technically blood related, she as much a part of my family as the rest. I've known her since 6th grade and until now, haven't gone more than a couple weeks with out seeing her in the last 7 years. We've been together through thick and thin and I can't imagine what I would have done with out her. I admire every qualty she has and aspire to be at least a quarter of what she is.
Then there is Moriya, who turns 13 this year. She is the funniest girl. We never hung out much, because of the 7 year gap, until I moved back home for a couple of months. I don't know when it happened, but I blinked and she grew up. She is an amazing listener and I relate to her so much, but not because I'm a good listener ;-), because I'm not. She is the sweetest girl, and she has got looks that can kill. She's 13 and she gets hit on by some of my college buddies(they didn't know she was 13, she doesn't really look it.)
Last to round it out, is Lia. She turns 9 in May and is the most loving little girl I know. She is a little crazy and could probably kick the energizer bunnies trash in a race. She is very excentric and fun loving. Although she can be a little overbearing to some, her heart is always in the right place and I admire her in many ways.
My mom, Laurie turned 50 this January and is now offically on the back 9. I didn't fight with her much, but we didn't really talk a ton either. She is an amazing worker and is very creative and compassionate. I think my mother would do anything to help someone in need and has done more to serve others in one year than most people do in a life time.
My dad, Mark is 56 this April. He's been one of my greatest heros. He's really kind of crazy and a little odd, but extremely outgoing and loving. I think I'm most like him out of anybody in my family... the good and the bad. Growing up my dad would say "I love you" all the time and its something I now see as invaluable as a child. He's never been perfect, but through the years he seems to get closer and closer.
And there you have it. We are a rather large and crazy bunch of people, who probably don't see eachother often enough, but they probably are the very few ties that I will have forever.
Bonnie is my oldest sister, and I believe she is 32 if memory serves me right. She is married to my brother in law Mason and they have 2 kids, Ally and Brad. I adore Bonnie and Mason, you don't see many marriges these days that look healthy and capable of actually making it, but Bonnie and Mason are one of the few couples that make me believe that marrige is possible. With out them, I would have little faith in marrige at all.
Mark is my oldest brother and he turned 30 last year. He is married to the lovely Caitlin, and I pretty much like her in the family more than I like him. They have a little girl on the way thats due in June. Despite Mark's many... many quarks he's been a great example to me and I'm very proud of the person he has become.
Jared is my second oldest brother and is 28 in April. He is practically married to Jolene, who I adore. Jared is one of the most amazing people I've ever known in my life. He is rarely argumentative and will do anything in his power to make one happy. If most guys could be half the person he is, girls would be eternally happy.
Elyse is my second oldest siser and turns 22 this year. Still single, thank goodness, she is working on her Bachelors in English and should graduate next spring. Elyse and I were only two years apart in school, and grew up as friends. Although we hated eachother for a great deal of our childhood and teenage years, we were always best friends, even if we didn't show it. She is one of the most honest people I know and she has grown so much over the years.
Then there is Alyse who is two months younger than me. Although she is not technically blood related, she as much a part of my family as the rest. I've known her since 6th grade and until now, haven't gone more than a couple weeks with out seeing her in the last 7 years. We've been together through thick and thin and I can't imagine what I would have done with out her. I admire every qualty she has and aspire to be at least a quarter of what she is.
Then there is Moriya, who turns 13 this year. She is the funniest girl. We never hung out much, because of the 7 year gap, until I moved back home for a couple of months. I don't know when it happened, but I blinked and she grew up. She is an amazing listener and I relate to her so much, but not because I'm a good listener ;-), because I'm not. She is the sweetest girl, and she has got looks that can kill. She's 13 and she gets hit on by some of my college buddies(they didn't know she was 13, she doesn't really look it.)
Last to round it out, is Lia. She turns 9 in May and is the most loving little girl I know. She is a little crazy and could probably kick the energizer bunnies trash in a race. She is very excentric and fun loving. Although she can be a little overbearing to some, her heart is always in the right place and I admire her in many ways.
My mom, Laurie turned 50 this January and is now offically on the back 9. I didn't fight with her much, but we didn't really talk a ton either. She is an amazing worker and is very creative and compassionate. I think my mother would do anything to help someone in need and has done more to serve others in one year than most people do in a life time.
My dad, Mark is 56 this April. He's been one of my greatest heros. He's really kind of crazy and a little odd, but extremely outgoing and loving. I think I'm most like him out of anybody in my family... the good and the bad. Growing up my dad would say "I love you" all the time and its something I now see as invaluable as a child. He's never been perfect, but through the years he seems to get closer and closer.
And there you have it. We are a rather large and crazy bunch of people, who probably don't see eachother often enough, but they probably are the very few ties that I will have forever.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Venting about society
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
--Oscar Wilde
I think Mr. Wilde undoubtedly very wise. There is very little left in this world of originality. We see movie after movie with the same plot and we read book after book with the same story. We see styles or ideas we like in other people, and we adopt them ourselves. In essence, each individual is a walking conglomeration of somebody else’s thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. It is said that mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, so why do we get so upset when someone imitates us? People enjoy saying their original, or that they were the "first" to do or say something. Everybody wants to be a trend-setter, but we like to be in control of who follows that trend. We build on top of what our predecessors have already done. As children we frequently hear the term "copycat", and I can't remember a time when that term wasn't derogatory. The same idea seems to hide behind diferent expressions. Interesting how the world continues to turn and two things rarely change. The first being pride, and the second being hypocrisy.
--Oscar Wilde
I think Mr. Wilde undoubtedly very wise. There is very little left in this world of originality. We see movie after movie with the same plot and we read book after book with the same story. We see styles or ideas we like in other people, and we adopt them ourselves. In essence, each individual is a walking conglomeration of somebody else’s thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. It is said that mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, so why do we get so upset when someone imitates us? People enjoy saying their original, or that they were the "first" to do or say something. Everybody wants to be a trend-setter, but we like to be in control of who follows that trend. We build on top of what our predecessors have already done. As children we frequently hear the term "copycat", and I can't remember a time when that term wasn't derogatory. The same idea seems to hide behind diferent expressions. Interesting how the world continues to turn and two things rarely change. The first being pride, and the second being hypocrisy.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Untitled
"I am convinced that there are universal currents of divine thought vibrating the ether everywhere and that any who can feel these vibrations is inspired."
--Richard Wagner
I realize that most of what I write here has no lasting influence or meaning. Most days when I look back at what I've written I just shake my head. Sometimes I think I try too hard to make it sound good, and it ends up sounding very juvenile, which I'm well aware of. But thats how it is. I'm still very young and immature and cognizant of my adolescent writing. Sometimes I'm trying to make a statement and other times I'm just writing whatever comes to my head. Sometimes I write like its a journal, other times I write like I'm telling a story. On rare occasions I even write in editorial style, however awful it may be. I'v written about things from movie reviews to politics to life lessons I've managed to pick up. I tend to quote people that I admire and I enjoy exploring what they mean. I don't usually aim to inspire and I hardly consider anything I write to be divine thought. For the most part, my only intention is to make myself think and everyonce and a while I might leave an impression on somebody else. So while some may read what I write and see it as naive, (which I wouldn't really argue with) I'm just trying to find my way through,... my lost thoughts.
--Richard Wagner
I realize that most of what I write here has no lasting influence or meaning. Most days when I look back at what I've written I just shake my head. Sometimes I think I try too hard to make it sound good, and it ends up sounding very juvenile, which I'm well aware of. But thats how it is. I'm still very young and immature and cognizant of my adolescent writing. Sometimes I'm trying to make a statement and other times I'm just writing whatever comes to my head. Sometimes I write like its a journal, other times I write like I'm telling a story. On rare occasions I even write in editorial style, however awful it may be. I'v written about things from movie reviews to politics to life lessons I've managed to pick up. I tend to quote people that I admire and I enjoy exploring what they mean. I don't usually aim to inspire and I hardly consider anything I write to be divine thought. For the most part, my only intention is to make myself think and everyonce and a while I might leave an impression on somebody else. So while some may read what I write and see it as naive, (which I wouldn't really argue with) I'm just trying to find my way through,... my lost thoughts.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Out of Breath and Out of Time
"Unkbeknownst to most historians, Einstein started down the road of professional basketball before an ankle injury diverted him to science."
--Gary Larson
I love basketball. I used to play back in high school, but I didn't play after my sophmore year because of an injury,... or because I wasn't good enough, still debating it in my head. I get together with a group of girls every Thursday night and play a pick up game. Usually I'm the youngest there, and most days I'm the most out of shape one there. Most of them are either runners or bikers, and I'm just a, well I don't really do much of any athletics these days. I'm sure back in my high school days I would have at least been able to keep up, but now I'm definitely just sucking wind as they cross me over. I think I better start jogging or something. Anyway I'm getting off track. Basketball is something that has changed my life. I remember trying out my sophmore year and getting all the way to the gym doors, where I paced back and forth for a solid 10 minutes before I walked in. Finally I got up the courage to walk in and I instantly regreted it. Now I'm a tall girl, about 6'0 at the time, but I shrank to about 4'8 just looking at what I had gotten in to. I think my coach got excited to see me only to be let down later after seeing my lack of cordination with a basketball. We started doing drills, none of which I was familiar with, which didn't help my nerves. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I'm pretty sure I was dismal on my first day. At the end of the day we started doing sprints. I've never ran so hard in my life and I'm pretty sure I puked in the trash can in th hall. By some whim of mere faith in my height, the coach didn't cut me that first day and I couldn't believe it. I got home tired, but proud of myself. The next day I had nerves in my stomach all through my classes, but the second day of tryouts weren't nearly as bad as the first. Sprints were much, much worse and I came the closest to passing out that I ever have from exhaustion. He cut anywhere from 15 to 20 girls that day, but amazingly I was still there and I was begining to wonder if he'd forgot to cut me. But sure enough I was there on the third and final day. It was down to 13 girls, and I knew he wasn't going to take all of us. I did fairly well with the drills but I couldn't help the negative feeling that I was going to be the last one cut. As I expected I was called in to his office right before we start sprints and I braced myself for the rejection and promised myself I wouldn't cry. I don't remember anything he said but his last 7 words, "We'd like to keep all of you." After that things happened so fast. They lined us up in the locker room and gave us all our gear; sweats, shirts, uniforms, hoodies, warm ups. I was still in a state of shock walking home with all of it. To this day, that was one of my greatest accomplishments. I've never been worked so hard in my life, practicing nearly 3 hours a day 6 days a week. Looking back at all the blood, bruises, sweat, and tears, I wouldn't trade those 4 months for all the money in the world, honestly. Its one of the few things in my life that I stuck to and suceeded. I was by no means a very good player in the begining. But by the end I was starting the games. I tried out my junior year and fractured my ankle in the third day of tryouts, I still can't help but wonder if I would have made it other wise. By senior year, I was a year behind in expierence and not in the shape I needed to be, but I tried out anyways, not wanting to have to wonder the rest of my life if I was good enough. It came as no surprise that I didn't make it, but thats probably the second thing I'm most proud of. It took a lot for me to go back and try out after my coach had personaly rejected me the previous year. To this day I have no regrets about basketball.
--Gary Larson
I love basketball. I used to play back in high school, but I didn't play after my sophmore year because of an injury,... or because I wasn't good enough, still debating it in my head. I get together with a group of girls every Thursday night and play a pick up game. Usually I'm the youngest there, and most days I'm the most out of shape one there. Most of them are either runners or bikers, and I'm just a, well I don't really do much of any athletics these days. I'm sure back in my high school days I would have at least been able to keep up, but now I'm definitely just sucking wind as they cross me over. I think I better start jogging or something. Anyway I'm getting off track. Basketball is something that has changed my life. I remember trying out my sophmore year and getting all the way to the gym doors, where I paced back and forth for a solid 10 minutes before I walked in. Finally I got up the courage to walk in and I instantly regreted it. Now I'm a tall girl, about 6'0 at the time, but I shrank to about 4'8 just looking at what I had gotten in to. I think my coach got excited to see me only to be let down later after seeing my lack of cordination with a basketball. We started doing drills, none of which I was familiar with, which didn't help my nerves. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I'm pretty sure I was dismal on my first day. At the end of the day we started doing sprints. I've never ran so hard in my life and I'm pretty sure I puked in the trash can in th hall. By some whim of mere faith in my height, the coach didn't cut me that first day and I couldn't believe it. I got home tired, but proud of myself. The next day I had nerves in my stomach all through my classes, but the second day of tryouts weren't nearly as bad as the first. Sprints were much, much worse and I came the closest to passing out that I ever have from exhaustion. He cut anywhere from 15 to 20 girls that day, but amazingly I was still there and I was begining to wonder if he'd forgot to cut me. But sure enough I was there on the third and final day. It was down to 13 girls, and I knew he wasn't going to take all of us. I did fairly well with the drills but I couldn't help the negative feeling that I was going to be the last one cut. As I expected I was called in to his office right before we start sprints and I braced myself for the rejection and promised myself I wouldn't cry. I don't remember anything he said but his last 7 words, "We'd like to keep all of you." After that things happened so fast. They lined us up in the locker room and gave us all our gear; sweats, shirts, uniforms, hoodies, warm ups. I was still in a state of shock walking home with all of it. To this day, that was one of my greatest accomplishments. I've never been worked so hard in my life, practicing nearly 3 hours a day 6 days a week. Looking back at all the blood, bruises, sweat, and tears, I wouldn't trade those 4 months for all the money in the world, honestly. Its one of the few things in my life that I stuck to and suceeded. I was by no means a very good player in the begining. But by the end I was starting the games. I tried out my junior year and fractured my ankle in the third day of tryouts, I still can't help but wonder if I would have made it other wise. By senior year, I was a year behind in expierence and not in the shape I needed to be, but I tried out anyways, not wanting to have to wonder the rest of my life if I was good enough. It came as no surprise that I didn't make it, but thats probably the second thing I'm most proud of. It took a lot for me to go back and try out after my coach had personaly rejected me the previous year. To this day I have no regrets about basketball.
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