hope for all things

So long for now

2010-01-13T08:04:00.000-08:00

January 13 has finally come! I've been waiting for this day for over a year, before I even knew what day it was. I'm so excited! I can honestly say that. I've felt nervous and excited the last couple of days, but the nerves have just emptied out and all that is left is real excitement! Its been a long road to get here and yet looking back it seems like so little time has gone by. I know thats how my whole mission is going to feel. I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to serve. You can find my missionary letters at lettersfromtacoma.blogspot.com. I'll see you in 18 months!

D+C 4:2-3

Ahem.... May I have your attention please?

2009-12-16T23:50:00.001-08:00

Today as I finished my last final for Human Anatomy at approximately 5:20 p.m. I realized that I have my ASSOCIATES DEGREE! That's right I'm a college graduate... even if is only an associates degree it feels like a mile stone well deserved. And I only have to wait 27 more days for the best 18 months of my life to begin. What a day.

Hodge Podge

2009-12-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

You'd think with how long its been since I updated that I forgt how to blog. Maybe I did, I guess we'll find out. Yesterday was my last day of class for a very very long time. It will be about two years before I attend another semester of school and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Assuming I pass my finals on Monday, I officially have an associates degree in political science. It doesn't feel as amazing as I thought it would, but it feels good. I'm officially one month a three days away from leaving for the Provo MTC. A lot of my nerves have dissapated and I wish I could just be there. My suitcase is wide open across the room with random nylons, blouses, first aide kit, and umbrellas thrown in it. Its a good constent reminder on what I need to be focusing on. Watched actual TV for the first time in literally months and realized that 95% of television is absolute garbage. The 5% remaining of course including Jazz basketball games and So You Think You Can Dance. Work seems to take up all my time which is good, more money. I managed to clean my room today for the first time in who knows how long. It's amazing what you can get done after two finals. Who knows, I might even start reading a book for fun. I'm such a rebel. In the mean time, I'm just counting days.

Obsession Confession

2009-11-09T12:42:00.000-08:00

Confession Obsession #1 I've been an awful blogger but I've moved up in the ranks of blog stalking. You'd think with all the time I spend on useless things like blog stalking I wouldn't have a life, but I swear I do. I'm taking twelve credits, working thirty hours a week, and I still manage to get out with friends and least once a week usually twice. Who do I blog stalk? Well if you're reading this post, I probably blog stalk you on a regular basis. No worries though, my blog stalking never extends to facebook stalking or real stalking, like I said I do have some sort of a life outside the blogging world.

Confession Obsession #2 I'm completely addicted to reality TV. No not anything like the Real World or the Real Housewives of Atlanta, just your run of the mill Dancing With the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance. I have this theory that I secretly (well now not so secretly) want to be able to dance and I project this fantasy by watching the show. I know what you're thinking... with my reality tv addiction and my blog stalking obsession I can't possibly have a life... but I do, I just don't sleep.

Confession Obsession #3 I have a sad sad sad addiction to corny, lame, romantic LDS fiction novels. I can't help it. I'm a sucker for them. Sure they're ridicules, impossible, not to mention completely unrealistic, and yet I think I've read at least 7 over the past couple of months and I may or may not have read one of them a few times. I don't know what's wrong with me. Judge freely on this one... I'm expecting it.

I keep thinking, I swear I have a life, but I'm sort of looking a little hopeless. Maybe I don't, that will have to be determined at another point in time.

Lessons that I learned while playing Dr. Mario

2009-10-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

So the other day I saw my mom doing her hula-hoop while playing Dr. Mario on the N64 (it has to be seen to be believed... but for now you'll just have to take my word for it) and I decided, hey I have nothing to do, why not play. So I pulled up a chair and grabbed another controller and had her switch it to two player. Now if you know my mother, you will know that playing her at Dr. Mario is like ten times more difficult then playing the computer. Why you ask? Because she plays for an hour everyday while she's hula hooping... (can that be a verb?) Now that I've given you a brief background of the situation I'll tell you some things I learned. You might be surprised.

Lesson #1

Similar to Golf, Dr. Mario has handicaps. One person can be on one level and the other person can be on any other level higher or lower than the first. When setting up the game I chose to be on the same level as my mom. She looked at me and said, "Are you sure you want to go that high?" I nodded and so the game began. Now I'm sure we played at least a dozen rounds maybe more, and I only beat my mother once, which really means that I didn't win at all because you have to win three times to get a star. I decided from that time on I would never play on a lower level than my mom. I knew I could beat her, why not rise to the occasion. Sometimes in life we're offered a "handicap" or an easy out. We can do better. Don't make excuses.

Lesson #2

When playing Dr. Mario on level 10 the viruses are stacked up pretty high and it can be a little intimidating when the pills start to drop. But if you can give all your attention to the pill thats falling and not focus on anything else until the pill is firmly on its intended location, you usually do pretty well. Sometimes we're tempted to let the pill fall on its own once its above its desired location and move on to the next pill, but this error will cost you if you don't see it through. In life problems will come from all sorts of places and all different angles, but if you can focus on just one at a time, they won't seem so daunting.

Lesson #3

Sometimes you just find yourself in the most impossible places. The pills are stacked up to the top of the bottle and the viruses are still rampant. You can't remember how things got so backed up and your almost ready to bomb out. When you decide to focus on one area at a time. Before you know it everything has fixed itself. Not because you were able to focus on every virus, but because some were killed as the result of falling pieces from the other viruses you were busy getting rid of. Similar to lesson 3, there are a lot of problems and tasks we're faced with that seem impossible. Its interesting that as you focus on bettering yourself in one area of your life, other areas of your life our inevitably improved without intention.

Who knew Dr. Mario could be such a good metaphor for life? And who knew someone could actually hula hoop and play Nintendo at the same time? Seriously, that might be a whole other post on a metaphor for life.

When I grew that foot or two

2009-10-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

It finally came… I don’t know why I say finally because I received my call ten days after putting in my mission papers, so it’s not like I had to wait a really long time, but it has been a long road. I officially decided a mission was in my future in early December of 2008. I was attending Utah State University at the time and felt rather directionless as far as my life went. I knew that staying at Utah State wasn’t the right thing after spending two years attending school there. So began my journey in exploring other options for future plans and future schools.

In the middle of my third semester at college (Fall 2008) I came across ILP, an international program that places young adults in different parts of the world to teach children English. I received multiple emails about it and talked to a few friends who had been in the program. After doing some extensive research I decided to apply for the program in St. Petersburg, Russia. I was so excited to have some direction and a plan that I called my mother to inform her of my new road map. In a few minutes time I could tell my mother did not like my plan, when I asked her why she explained she just didn’t think it was right. Taking her advice to heart, as I pondered and prayed about my plan, I began to be hesitant as well. So I let go of my dreams with ILP in Russia and looked for a new plan.

Later that semester I was introduced to a study abroad program through a USU study abroad fair. I jumped on it right away. I met with a study abroad representative (Winter 2008) and asked him what locations were easiest to get into, what the cost was, and which international school would best cater to my major. Once again I called my mom later that day to tell her my excitement, this time for applying to the study abroad program for the Netherlands. After spending a half an hour telling her my plan I could hear silence on the other end of the phone. She again told me that she didn’t really feel it was the right thing for me, but that she would support me in my decision. I hung up the phone frustrated with her telling me she “didn’t feel it was right”. However later that night as I knelt in prayer I felt it wasn’t right either and so my search for a plan continued.

I considered staying in Logan, but I almost instantly felt that wasn’t right either. It was then I realized that the possibility of a mission was only a year away. As I pondered that option and prayed about it, I realized a mission was something I really wanted. I’d wanted to serve a mission for a long time, but now was the time where I could make it a reality. I again went to my mother with more apprehension than with any other plan. I was more excited for this plan than any other and I wanted her support. As I told of my mom about my decision to serve a mission I was relieved to hear her words of encouragement.

Finally I had found my map, I just didn’t know quite how to get there. I knew I still had to go to school and I knew I had some debt from living on my own, so I did the only thing I could do to be able to put in my papers by the winter of 09. I moved home, transferred to SLCC and worked at getting an associate’s degree before I left. I planned to spend the summer in Provo with my sister at some part time job, but another dream was laid before me then too. I was able to be an EFY counselor over the summer while living in Provo. And I can honestly say that the training I received then has been invaluable preparation for my mission.

While working as an EFY counselor I came back to my Salt Lake ward to get my mission papers out. The process to actually get them started was almost more difficult than filling them out and getting ready to turn them in. Even still, I moved back to Salt Lake this winter and was able to put my mission papers in last month. I have now received my call to the Washington Tacoma Mission and will report to the Provo MTC on January 13, 2010. I can’t begin to express how excited I am to serve, but even more than that I feel incredible gratitude for the opportunity that I have to serve. There have been countless tender mercies along this year long path that have allowed me to be able, worthy, and ready to serve.

This post will introduce to all my readers (so basically three of you ;) my missionary blog;

sarasmissionaryletters.blogspot.com

My sisters will be blog administrators along with myself and will post my weekly letters home and maybe a picture every once in a while :) I’ll have my mission address on the side of the blog if you want to write me or you can just follow the blog and keep updated on my mission. I’m so excited to serve and hope that I can continue to grow as I prepare to leave.

Just call me Clark Kent, cause I have a super power

2009-09-30T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have a super power. Did you know? It's a recent discovery. Its been hiding underneath a lot of pride, but I found it. I've seen it a few times over the years, but not long enough for me to realize what a special super power it really is. In fact I'm embarrassed to admit, I didn't recognize it for some time. It's taken a lot of work and its one of those powers where if you don't use it, you lose it. I lose it a lot ;) I bet if you look for a while, you'll find that you have it too! Some might have to look a little bit longer, (I will bashfully admit, that I often can't find it) but I bet its there.

It even has a taste! Weird huh? But you know the taste too! Sometimes it tastes like acid and it can burn. Occasionally it tastes sour and will leave your mouth dry. But more often than not it will taste bitter. I didn't know super powers could taste so bad! This is a special super power though, no matter how bad it tastes, once you can swallow it, there is the most magnificent after taste. It might be sweet, mine usually tastes fresh, like mountain air after it rains. The thought divine comes to mind... like chocolate, but better.

I know what your thinking! You know where this super power hides, you know what it tastes like, maybe even what it smells like, but what can it DO? Well let me tell you, this is no ordinary super power. We know by definition that its something special. It's not like flying or reading minds. No, its much more unique than that. This super power can change the world. I would even venture to say that if everyone had this one super power perfected we might not know the word anger. It has the power to heal broken hearts, mend lost friendships, save marriages, reform human interaction, rescue lost souls, teach humility, inspire loyalty, and instill love. Why it is the very same power that will redeem you and me.

You know that you have it, you know where to find it, you know what it tastes like, and you know what it can do, but have you guessed what "it" is? I'll give you a hint if your still a little slow. It's something you say, but more importantly something you show.

How do you use it then? The next time you cut someone off, I want you to use it. The next time you yell at someone, use it. The next time you belittle someone, use it. Sure it might taste sour and yes probably a little bitter, but as soon as you say those two words and let it show, it will set you free. The more often you use it the more you'll come to know, that it can't be said and not be shown. When you can say it and be truly contrite, you will understand why it is indeed a super power. Then the next time someone cuts you off and you get angry, you'll want you to use it. The next time some one yells at you, you'll have to say it and the next time someone belittles you, you'll be compelled to express it.

It's official! There IN!

2009-09-29T13:13:00.001-07:00

Oh goodness I have so much to say! I'm so excited and happy that I haven't been able to keep a smile off my face for the last two. I'll find myself alone in my car and I'll catch my self grinning. I'll be eating lunch and wont notice the smile that has appeared while throwing down some food. I can be in bed (this is my favorite) waiting for sleep to come when a smile comes with a few escaped giggles! Who knew I giggled!? I can't help it. The best part is its so incredibly natural. I'm not trying to notice it, but it just jumps up on me and I realize how incredibly happy I am.

So why am I so happy? My mission papers officially went in this week. I couldn't stop smiling in my interview with my Stake President. I thought I'd be worried the impressions I might leave or get caught up on his opinions of whether or not I'm ready, but I didn't. I just kept smiling and all I could say was that I'm so excited! I left the interview slightly nervous after the fact. My nerves were made calm later that day when his wife came up to me and said, "He came home so excited. He said, 'She is so ready to go." I don't think any statement in my entire life has brought me more joy that those words. I know I shouldn't need other people to think I'm ready when I know I am, but all the same they are sweet words of comfort that I value.

If I get thinking about it for too long I get a little bit twitchy with anticipation. I'm so incredibly excited. It feels so right! Not even school or work has been able to bring down my spirits. Feel free to write your guesses! I should have a call within three or four weeks and that post will exceed even this post in excitement!

Opening up shop?

2009-09-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

So I had the pleasure and joy of having my wisdom teeth (4 to be exact) extracted from my jaw this past week. I was surprised that as the day of my oral surgery grew closer I didn't really get nervous... and I thought I would. I mean your talking to someone who has never had surgery of any type, never been put under, and never had any "serious" injury. The morning came and my mother drove me to the oral surgeon bright and early. I wasn't even nervous waiting in the lobby. Before I knew it they called me back. A nice man in blue scrubs shook my hand and said, "Well are you ready?" I nodded and literally within 60 seconds I was laying down with tubes up my nose and and IV down my arm. These guys don't waste time! Still I couldn't believe how completely calm I was.

Being put under was easily the weirdest experience of my life. I remember the ceiling and then nothing. About 30 minutes later I woke up and could feel and see hands still in my mouth. I might have slightly panicked at this point. The only real fear I had going into the whole thing that I was going to wake up in the middle of the procedure, so when I woke up with two pairs of hands in my mouth, I attempted to yell "I'm awake, I'm awake!" Just too make sure they were aware I was fully conscious. However, it turns out they were just shoving 10 strips of gaws into my mouth, which made it slightly less embarrassing because they of course had no idea what I was yelling at them wide eyed with a mouth full of cotton.

A nurse walked with me to a plush recliner where I sat for ten minutes trying to get a handle on my brain, which at this point seemed a little elusive. My mom came and sat with me, but apparently all I could say was, "That was so weird." The nurse briefly described the medications and what to do for dry socket and helped me up to go to the car, when I immediately fell back down into the chair. She put me in a wheel chair after that. According to my mother I was very ornery, but I claim that she was being patronizing. I mean seriously, you can't tell a drugged person hey don't know what they're talking about! I was drugged for goodness sake! Just nod and smile!

I spent the next two hours sleeping with an alarm set for every 30 minutes to wake me up so I could change out my gaws. And so I could rotate between the plethora of prescription drugs they gave me. I finally got feeling back in my entire face around four 0' clock at which point I ate soup. Basically I was back to normal the next day. I may or may not have eaten Cafe Rio the day after I got my wisdom teeth out. I can't really remember.

Fast forward to three days later (today) and here I am with dry socket in the bottom right hole in my mouth. Luckily, I have enough pain killers for that and more. What a lovely experience it's been.

Yes, I listen to Paul Cardall and play Spider Solitaire on my Friday nights...

2009-09-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

But only when my only friend in the Salt Lake valley is out of town and I got my wisdom teeth out the day before. Let's try not to judge me to harshly.

Out with the new and in with the old

2009-09-13T00:45:00.000-07:00

I like to change the way my blog looks a lot! I think it just might reflect my life a little bit.

Let's just examine my life for a moment. I spent the first two years out of high school living in 3 different apartments and a house, I've had 4 different jobs, none of which I quit for any reason other than to move, I've lived in three different cities, two of the cities I've lived in 2 separate times, and I've been to two Universities... well one university and one college. Seriously? So either I REALLY love change or I am severely restless person.

I think it may be both equally, for that matter there are probably dozens reasons why I change my blog every other month and why my life is basically crazy. I do love change. I love the new. Is it weird that I absolutely love that nervous feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when your doing something new. It doesn't have to be scary, thrilling, or even fun. I just love that feeling. I don't really love it while I have it, but I crave it when its gone, kind of like eating a Big Mac, if you know what I mean.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I am an extremely unsettled person. In other words I have commitment issues. Who new? I can't commit to a school, to a major, to an apartment contract, to a city, to a job, and don't even get me started on a boy. What's crazy is this is a total epiphany! How did I not realize sooner that maybe it all stems from commitment issues. Which leads to the question, Why? Which is funny, because I realized the other day, not even thinking about any of this commitment, unsettled, background changing business, that I'm a highly suspicious person. I don't really trust very many people and I might even be more than a little paranoid about people lying to me.

And I know all about lies and liars. I used to be a chronic one...(along with being a slight kleptomaniac, but that's a story for another post.) As I was eating grapes at the counter yesterday, it struck me . There are only two reasons why people are suspicious and distusting. Either A. They used to be (or are currently) a liar or a thief and there by they know what it looks like to lie or steal, even if someone is a pro. or B. Someones lied or stolen from them one to many times. And I guess there is the possible C. They hate being GULLIBLE, but I think this is large part because B has happened too much. So which am I? I'm pretty sure I take down the whole alphabet on this one. Go figure I can't trust anyone... and you thought you had commitment issues?

How did my chronic lying, kleptomania, fear of commitment, and my disdain for Big Mac's all get in one post? All because I changed my blog background a few weeks ago. Today I looked at it and realized I had to have the old layout back. I stayed up til 2am trying to make it look just like it had (I feel as though something is still different about it) all summer. Why did I want it back so bad? I really did like the new one. I wasn't bored with it. I liked the title. The colors looked good. For some reason I had to have the old one back. Out of the dozens of blog layouts over the past two years I've never gone back to a previous layout. It's always been out with the old and in with the new, and I've LOVED it.

Now it's out with the new and in with the old and I feel so GOOD about it. Maybe I'm coming to terms with my commitment issues. I might just becoming less adventurous. Or possibly I'm starting to learn to love familiarity. Who knows what it means. But I think it's more significant that even I realize.

EFY: "Putteth Off"... the lost week

2009-09-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

WEEK 4: Putteth Off

As I was looking through my blog archives I realized their were only five EFY entries. I thought there has to be some sort of mistake in the google blogosphere. I most certainly worked 6 weeks of EFY. I searched high and low for my missing post and it was no where to be found. Was it deleted? Was it ever created? Surely I wouldn't skip a week, but how else could this tragedy have happened? I'm a little more than sad and am mourning the lost post (if it really ever existed). So this is me attempting to give it some justice.

Pizza Night with my girls!

Some things I remember learning this week:

sometimes its ok to be a girl
the power of positive thinking is quite impressive
don't be proud, your not doing much
don't try to play cupid at efy... (for counselors of course)
set goals
if your bishop's calling you after 9, he's asking you to speak :)
i love my parents
praying aloud, for people by name, with a friend can make a world of difference
it's ok to cry... really
the Lord makes up for what you lack when your doing all you can
always follow the promptings of the spirit, eve when they don't make sense... they will
having curled hair is the bomb
you probably shouldn't use the kitchen, even if the door is unlocked
any problem can be fixed with a prayer
sometimes four counselors work really well together and things just jive
40 kids is a big group, but you can still have everyones name memorized by fhe
the morris center is still disgusting

Co Counselors: Jordon, Summer, Me, and Trent

Just me and my girls.

The butterfly that landed on my arm... I was really excited.

The whole company: "Putteth Off "

This was a week of polars. Let me explain. I felt like this was one of my most challenging weeks. Not really because of my youth, but because I was struggling. I was all over the place despite the fact that I had 3 amazing co counselors, 10 amazing girls, 1 fantastic roommate, 2 calls from my bishop to speak, but 0 big issues. I struggled internally on a few levels with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I was so worried that because I was having an off week, despite my best efforts, my girls would spiritually suffer the repercussions. I was wrong. The Lord made up for all that I lacked, but only because he knew that I was giving it my all. As I listened to my girls bare testimony of their savior, I realized I hadn't failed, He succeeded. It was a wonderful lesson to learn.

I find it extremely ironic that this is the week I forget to post... the week where my company name is "Putteth Off". The week where I put off posting for 2 months...

life in deja vu

2009-09-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

deja vu: (noun) french "already seen" - the experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has happened in the near past)

Its an odd concept to wrap your mind around. As I've been recently experiencing an intense amount of deja vu in my life, I've talked to various people about it and realized that some people have never experienced the strange phenomena that is deja vu. How does one explain it? Sure that definition supplied by wikipedia is perfect in explaining the logistics of what it is, but some how it doesn't really do the strange sensation justice. I imagine it's like a blind person trying to explain what music looks like to someone who can see.

I mean whats going on in your brain when this crazy deja vu happens anyway? Why does your brain recognize the exact situation and associate it with familiarity. Its like a scratched dvd skipping in your mind. It starts to get a little crazy when you have deja vu about having deja vu in a certain moment.

Deja vu has plagued my life the last couple days and I can't help but wonder why. I think it may have something to do with walking down memory lane a little to often... but even then I don't have the deja vu at moments when I'm looking a pictures or reading old posts, just at the strangest times... but even then I don't have the deja vu at moments when I'm looking a pictures or reading old posts, just at the strangest times...

What now?

2009-08-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

My life has been so crazy lately that when I've squeezed in time to blog, there has been so much to blog about that I never get it all down, but now I'm back to the real world where all I do is work 25 hours a week and attend 13 credits of school. EFY has made me realize how much time I have to myself when I'm not being a counselor. Reading for fun has been such a foreign idea that I'm excited to jump back into a fictional world every once in a while.

I'm currently enrolled in a golf course for this fall and I couldn't be more excited. I went to my first class and swung a club for the first time in a year and I drove it about 200 yards! I'm paying the price for my over excitement three days later with calves and thighs that are still sore. I'll definitely be blogging in the future about my accomplishments... or my failures, I'll let you know ; )

My mission papers are completely filled out. I have my dentist appointment this Thursday and my doctors appointment a week from Thursday and then I'm done! I plan on putting them in sometime around the 1st of October or sooner just depending. Which basically means I could have my call with in 6 weeks! I could try and express my excitement, but I just wouldn't be able to fully encompass how I feel.

So you ask, What now Sara? Well it goes a little like this; school, work, graduation, mission, and school. It's kind of like one big three year school sandwich. I feel really good about it. Don't you?

Now this is how you do Disneyland

2009-08-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

I love Disneyland! Wait I need to say it one more time, I LOVE DISNEYLAND! This place is magic! I mean I've been like a bazillion times but never like this. I got to go with 74 other EFY counselors and spend 3 days at the happiest place on Earth! Did I mention that I loved it! I got to know some people so much better, not to mention I got to know a bunch of new people. I had te opportunity to jump around a little bit so I wasn't hanging with the same people the entire time. I tried not to ride with the same person twice but failed miserably by day two. Here are some awesome pics from the 5 day adventure :)

Space Mountain :)

Just my roomies having a big spooning session.

Who doesn't love Tower of Terror!

My new friend Liese and me in line for Screamin!

Sterling and I showin are Astro blaster skills.

Some of my favorite things about this trip:

I met some of the coolest people ever
I loved being with first timers and seeing their faces after/before each ride
Flash dance parties in Tomorrowland with 74 EFY counselors is the BOMB
Being able to give away a pass along card and the articles of faith
Eating at the Mexican Resturant in FrontierLand
Riding the train and seeing the dinosaurs
TOWER OF TERROR (we road it like 4 times)
Watching people fall in love
Holding hands
Going body surfing at Huntington Beach
Eating at In N Out Burger
Overheating in Death Valley
Sharing everything
Denny's ice cream and hashbrowns and 1 am
Tinkerbell face cards
Driving for the first time in Orange County (we all survived!)
Indiana Jones is still one of my favorites
Smiling and laughing for 5 days straight with some of the coolest people I've ever met

EFY: "Ponder Still"

2009-08-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

My sixth and final week of EFY...

Games Night the whole company

McKell, Some girl I don't know, Belle, and me making the Cingular bars ;)

Check out their skills with roller coaster!

I can't believe how awesome this week was. I know I know, I say that every week, but I couldn't think of a better way to finish off my summer of EFY. These girls were so fun and talkative! Pizza night was a definite success. The boys and the girls really clicked well together and I've never had a company that listened as well as this one. Are you ready for this...? I actually had so much fun at games night this week! They actually listened and didn't talk when I was explaining the rules! It was amazing! Not to mention they actually listened to each other when they did their cheer for games night. My girls actually ate breakfast with me and dinner too. It was a lot of fun. And I did something I've never done before! Music program! I loved it. I even got about 8 of my youth to do it with me. It was a lot of fun and I really felt like it was worth it. Singing hymns is amazing, even if I am partially tone def. What a week...

My last list of lessons learned at efy:

No matter what I end up loving my roommate
Wheat Thins aren't as magical as I thought they were
Games night can be fun!
There is a group of 38+ youth that can listen: miracle
I get dehydrated when I don't bring a case of water
BBQ pizza is definitely the best... but only from Papa Johns
Jumping pictures are freaking cool
You can get along with anyone if you pray a lot
The $9 watch from Wal-Mart was priceless
The tent is still pretty rad
Its a lot more fun if you don't care what anyone thinks about you
COW's can ruin an entire summer of efy if they get out
Playing cupid isn't always a good idea
I love spirally bound conference issues of the Ensign
Country Time Strawberry Lemonade is delicious
The shaved ice place across from Helamen Halls is delicious
The more you teach, the better you get at it
I LoVe EfY!

The co's: Jared, Me, Lauren, and Greg

My girls: Taylor, Danielle, Kenna, Miranda, Allie, Brittany, Me, Taylor, Maddie, and Marissa

SisterS! Elyse and me.

The whole company: Ponder Still

I was really sad starting this week thinking I would be incredibly depressed once my summer of EFY was over, but its weird, because I'm not. I loved EFY as much as one person possibly could, but I'm so excited for what the future holds. I'm excited for this fall and graduation, but most importantly for my mission. Its so close, I feel like a three year old on the edge of their seat in primary singing Jesus wants me for a sunbeam! I know I keep saying I'm excited, but the excitement has intensified so much with each week as I've seen multiple friends get their calls I think, "That's going to be me!"

100th Blog Post

2009-08-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

So you know when your in Kindergarten and you make those cool little crafts with random things on it? When you get that little colored half sheet of paper asking you to bring in 100 of something. Whether its penny's, macaronni noodles, or cotton balls. It's super exciting, or at least you thought your 100 toothpicks were cool, until someone else got to bring in 100 tootsie rolls. What is it about 100? Its not just kids either, adults have a strange obsession with 100 too. There are 100 pennies to a dollar, we even make a big deal out of the first 100 days of a new presidential office. Why is it that 100 is special? I've pondered on this question for the past few days as I've logged on to my dashboard to see that it said "99 posts" under my blog title. As I thought about what I would do for my 100th post I questioned, why is it special? And then it hit me. 100 is a unique milestone. You start at 1 and then it took me two years to hit 100. The next big milestone is 1,000, it will probably take me 10 years or more to hit that milestone. Then the next big milestone is 10,000, and we alll know I'm not every going to get there. 100 is special because it is a milestone that we can reach in a relatively short time. Nobody notices when your at 247 or 385. 1,000 is special too, just not one we see very often because its such a big number. I think 100 is special, maybe I'll do an ode to 100 sometime.

Bonus Video

2009-08-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

EFY: "Beareth all Things"

2009-08-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

Another week at EFY....

Yay for the shaved Ice place that gave counselors free shaved ice:)

Pretty sure half my kids called me Lafonda, and the other half called me Aunt Shaniqua...

Yay for 3D glasses!

Tim's beautiful EFY chalk artwork.

This week was so awsome that I had to put up twice as many pictures to cover all the awsomeness that it was. It was a swelteringly hot week, as you can see by the fact that Tim tended to roll up his pants everyday, which is totally against the rules, the little rebel. This week was actually a week of some firsts. We had about 900 youth and the session was in a tent... yes a tent, a very big white air conditioned tent. It was in "tents" haha. Despite the fact that if you got caught in the middle of the tent with hundreds of youth between you and the air conditioner it wasn't that bad.

The whole EFY counselor thing has become such second nature to me that I can't even remember what its like to not be at EFY, this was my third straight week and I have my fourth and final straight week next week, bringing my efy experience to a grand total of 6 glorious weeks! Its been a crazy summer. I haven't had much time to do anything really, but all that aside I think I've had the time of my life as a counselor.

See this is how tired we get, we have to sleep in the back of classrooms while classes are going on... poor Bro. Beecher, he is a good teacher.

See this day we found the sunshine faces in the nursery and had to sing to Sarah on her really bad day :)

Here are some of the things I learned and loved this week:

Team algae is the bomb
I love having dances in the JFSB square
Jumping for three songs straight is a bad idea
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam :)
You need to drink 6 bottles of water a day and get 6 hours of sleep
Bubble wands are an instant cool factor
Kids love 3D chalk
Sometimes its not worth 15 minutes of sleep to have to drag yourself back out of bed.
I LOVE the Cannon Center
I finally learned all the dances!
Still no lock box duty :(
Eric D. Stokes + girls batheroom + plunger = priceless
I'm always better friends with my roomates than with my co's
I love the little fridge in Helamen Halls
I know a kid that can balance a vaccuum on his chin
I'm still known as the weird girl with the jacket
Disneyland is in 3 weeks!!!!

Fantastic Four Co Counselors: Tim, Me, Tyler, Dani

Those studly GQ boys.

Me and my girls going James Bond style ;)

"Beareth All Things"

EFY: "Might Be"

2009-07-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

This week was amazing! I always think it can't get better and it does! Each week I learn how to teach better and get to know my youth even more. I'm completely in awe of these kids. They know how to have fun and do it in a way that is in line with the spirit.

Banner/Cheer off/Games Night

Ashley's Birthday CakeMe and the co co's Aimee Jo, and Kip Aimee Jo and her girls

Just the counselors being awesome

Me and my lovely girls

Kip and the boys GQ-ing it

Just some new things I learned this last week...

Your life experiences are more interesting then random peoples stories
8 girls cannot even finish 3 pizza's
Kids like to be in their element when they teach
The green fan rocks my socks
I LoVe ASL (I re-learned how to do my abc's)
Straightening my hair is a waste of time
Yay for Polka Dots
Cruiser duty is the best!
Set an alarm for head count
John Hilton the III is basically awesome
Girl drama doesn't have to be drama if you don't give it attention
My brain has a limit when it comes to learning new names...
Pray, pray, pray
Getting to bed on time will make a world of difference
I still can't do the PB&J properly
Slow dancing is over rated
Dance duty is bomb
Using different kinds of media for devotional is fantastic
I can live off Wheat Thins and Beef Jerky
Dasani water is the best water
Uncrustables are still gross
Wear aviators and Converse and your instantly cool
Sticky notes and note cards are a must have
Everybody loves colored pens
It's a small world after all

This week was basically magic. I wouldn't say it was better than past weeks, but it definitely was a lot of fun. Only three more weeks left, my heart is already breaking a little on the inside. I sometimes wish I could do this all the time... then I remember I would die of lack of sleep, but the desire is still there. I love teaching and realizing the words that flow out of my mouth are often not mine. I love seeing the image of Christ in my girls countenance as the week progresses. I love listening to their insights and learning how far ahead they are of me in spiritual maturity. I love seeing the change of heart they have. I love seeing them excited to read their scriptures. I love listening to their testimonies and having mine strengthened in the process. I do wish I could do this all the time, and then I realized I get to do 18 months of this. The desire I have to go on my mission has intensified 10 fold. The urgency I feel to have my papers in is surmounting. I'm excited more than words or pictures can express :)

Manti, Miracles, and Midnight

2009-07-01T00:59:00.000-07:00

Notice: This is me being a slacker blogger and attempting to catch up :) A few weeks ago, my wardies and I trekked it down to Manti to watch The Mormon Miracle Pageant. This awesome two hour event takes place on the hill of the Manti Temple in Ephraim County where people from all over come to enjoy music, history, and culture.

The Mormon Miracle Pageant takes place on the hill seen here where locals re-create history. With stories intertwining from Joseph Smith, to Samuel the Lamenite, and a sweet story of Robert and Mary. It was really fun. I haven't seen the pageant in full since I was really little and couldn't remember hardly anything. Despite the fact that I laughed a little at some of the dancing and funny moments with the pre recorded audio it was a great activity.

Some of highlights of the trip:

Learning how to play contact
"Kick trash yo... did that just happen?"
Having the torrential rain stop minutes before we arrived, a true miracle
Playing jello in Casey's back seat
Rocking out to Weezer for over 100 miles
Hanging out with Besties, Wardies, and Roomies :)

Ode to the lost Chaco

2009-06-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

The other day started out as most weekdays do. I arose in the morning slightly late for work. Clearly, I wasn't particularly excited to be working a 10 hour shift, go figure. However I managed to make it to work on time by skipping breakfast. By lunch time I was about ready to die of starvation and thought Noodles and Company sounded delicious... So naturally during my lunch break I went. I parked my car and proceeded to walk in to Noodles and Co but suddenly stopped dead in my tracks when I saw what I had parked in front of, there sitting in the bush of the parking median was a size 12 mens Z/1 Vibram Unaweep Cactus Chaco sitting in a bush.

If you look closely at the bottom of the picture you can see me in my Z/2 Unaweep Black Chaco's :)

I tell you no lie, there it sat. My eyes searched feverishly for it's match in the surrounding area but came up fruitless. My heart broke a little inside for the owner of this poor lost Chaco. These babies retail at a cool $94.95, making this single Chaco worth $47.48! I snapped a quick picture and walked away from the poor lost Chaco, suddenly not as hungry as before. A real Chaco tragedy.

Why I'm a Daddy's Girl

2009-06-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

My dad is basically the best dad in the world. I know, I know, your thinking, 'Sara your a little biased'. But truly my dad is the greatest, what an amazing example he has been to me for 21 years. The world could use more people like my father. Growing up my dad taught me many things, some of which I hold invaluable. The precious moments I have with him will always be cherished.

What I love to do with my dad

play golf
go to California
be at the beach
go on drives
watch Jazz games
walk along the coast
special time ;)

What I love about my dad

He tells me "I'm proud of you." The 2nd sweetest words a daughter can here.
He gives the best hugs.
My dad is definitely a lifter, not a leaner. I've leaned on him many times in my life.
He is generous with all aspects of his life; time, money and talents.
He's an amazing teacher, whether its a church lesson, life lesson, or his example.
He is always willing to compliment me when I succeed.
My dad is a great conversationalist and gives honest and valuable advice.
Dad can find the positive side and laugh when times get rough.
He's never made me feel stupid, embarrassed, or humiliated at my expense.
I never questioned if my dad loved me. He tells me "I love you" everyday. The sweetest words a daughter can here.

What my dad has taught me through love

Traveling with family is one of the most valuable uses of your time
Mercedes Benz suck and Toyota's never die
You should always be progressing in life
It's always best to swallow your pride and apologize first, no matter whose fault it
Prayer and scripture study are a vital part of everyday
Speak kindly and speak softly
Love can be unconditional
It’s okay to cry
The gospel
Conserve in everything you use
Be patient with those who are not patient with you
Always have a Book of Mormon on hand
Making goals, striving to achieve them, and attaining them
Read as much as you can
Attend the temple as much as possible
Always say I love you

My dad has been one of the greatest examples in my life and one of my biggest heroes. I hope to be more like him some day. I'm grateful to have him as my father and as my friend. Happy Father's Day. I love you dad.

EFY: "Judges"

2009-06-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

WEEK TWO

Games night and our lovely banner.
My gorgeous and MODEST girls.
My studly and stunning boys.
Me and the co co's (Jac and Paul).

Not even going to lie, my second week was pretty amazing! EFY is such a spectacular experience. I'm learning more than I ever imagined and I feel like it is awesome preparation for life in general. Not only am I learning from the session director and the teachers, but I'm learning from my peers, my co counselors, and my youth! These kids are so amazing. I never imagined what this experience would entail but its definitely better than anything I expected. Some things I learned this week.

do not tell your 14 and 15 year old girls your REAL counselor crush
Mormon kids love their slow dances
who knew boys actually liked to slow dance
9 girls cannot eat 4 pizza's.... impossible
its good to be prepared to teach, but even better to be prepared to testify
it really does hurt when boys step on your feet in a slow dance
dance duty really isn't fun
a flower in your hair makes all the difference
uncrustables are gross
water is still the elixir of life
chaco's are bomb
sticky notes are basically magical
when your stressed, praying is the best possible solution
prayer works
sometimes no matter how much hand sanitizer you use, people still get sick
a camera is a priceless investment
Jonas Brothers is like instant bonding music
spandex rocks
I love efy more than I ever thought possible

Currently I only have two more sessions of EFY for the rest of the summer and I'm a little more than slightly heart broken. Even though its the most exhausting job I wish I could be there all the time. I hope I get more. Cross your fingers!

The whole company :)

EFY: "Do Not Suppose"

2009-06-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

WEEK ONE

All the studly boys

Jackie and me looking excitedMike and the company playing lightening

Me and my co co's (Mike and Jackie) Me and my girls :)

So this past week was my first week and boy was it a doosy! Full of good times, little sleep, and HUGE scissors... some of my favorite things this week.

my co counselors rocked

my girls were awesome
I loved the cannon center
Helamen Halls are where its at

aviators are officially the coolest

lightening and jump are awesome games

loosing keys isn't fun

getting 4 hours of sleep for 7 days straight is not good

14 and 15 year olds like to hold hands

there is such a thing as too much dancing

4 carrots and a bottle of ranch is not nutrious

otter pops are miracle workers

water is the elixor of life

everyone knows the words to Miley Cyrus' songs

I still hate wearing khakis, darn oly jr.

This week was really so much fun. I had a great group and we all had a really good time together, I hope to stay in touch with my girls. This next week should flow a little smoother since now I know what I'm doing... I hope ;)

Shooting Stars and Magic

2009-05-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

At first look my third floor balcony has very little appeal. It looks over the back ally of a bookstore. Next to the book store there is an auto body shop that often makes awful noises at early hours in the morning. Across the street from the auto body shop is a Sinclair gas station. Electric wires are strewn every which way from our roof to the auto body shop, making it look like a blind bird’s worst nightmare.

But first looks can be deceiving.

I wouldn’t trade my balcony for anybody’s in the complex. I think it’s a special balcony, dare I say even magical. My balcony is jetted out more than any other apartment in the building giving it quite a bit of seclusion. If you can look over the Sinclair station and past all the other buildings, there is a great view of the mountains and sunset. At night the moon rests just above as a personal nightlight for the balcony.

My favorite part…

At night before the ally street lights come on my neighbor’s horizontal antenna catches the lights of passing cars giving off the effect of a shooting star in the corner of your eye. In fact, it’s so believable as a shooting star that every time a car drives by I look to the shiny black antenna thinking it must be a real shooting star. And every time I’m shocked to see the piece of black metal in the air instead of a dark blue sky with burning stars.

It's definitely magic. Make a wish.

Home, Rain and The Weatherman

2009-05-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today my apartment really felt like home. I love when that feeling comes after a big move. Everything is foreign and you don't know where anything is. New faces, new town, new home. It definitely takes some time to fall in to the rhythm of things. I woke up late this morning to a clean apartment. I opened my fridge, grabbed a Almond Poppy seed muffin from and ate it on my bed while listening to the sparse traffic outside my closed shades. That's when it happened. The feeling of home sunk deep in as I looked across over to my sisters bed I realized that this is where I'm supposed to be. It felt right. It's certainly had its challenges so far, its only been a month and I already feel like so much has changed. But the change is good, the change is fantastic. I don't find myself missing much of anything right now. Life is quite extraordinary.

It's been overcast all day. I've been counting the days til summer for the first time in my life. This winter froze me out. For eight years winter was the highlight of the year and I was barely able to survive it this year, but now that warm summer days are here I find myself missing the cold, cloudy days that gave unnecessary shade to fresh blankets of snow. All day the air has smelled ever so slightly of rain and it's made me want rain more than anything. To be able to dance in the middle of the street, soaking up as much as the clouds will give. I miss those days. That seems to be one of the few exceptions to me not missing anything.

As I sat down at my computer this evening my sister played an old school all time favorite by the girl group B*Witched. The song entitled 'Blame It On the Weatherman' begins with the sound of thunder and pouring rain, followed by an extremely cheesy, pop sounding, young teen. Now this song earns zero points for being deep or having anything that has lasting importance, however the second verse I can relate to.

Maybe it's too late
Maybe it's too late to try again
Maybe I can pray
Maybe I can wait
Maybe I can blame it on the weatherman

And the rain goes on and on again

I've often wanted to say that is the story of my life. The feeling of despair when you know it's too late, for whatever it may be. Too late to change, too late too stay, too late to go. Thoughts of prayer come, but often your just left waiting, wanting to blame someone. Blame your friends, your enemies, yourself, or even the weatherman. That being said I think B*Witched was sadly misled in this belief, along with many other adolescents. The rain may go on but it's never too late, you can always pray, sometimes waiting is necessary, and you can never blame "the weatherman".

D.I. Tresures

2009-05-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

So Elyse, Alyse, and I decided to go check out the local Provo Deseret Industries to see if we could find anything awesome, and naturally we did. Alyse needed to find some magazines for a class but the effort turned up fruitless since the DI clearly does not keep any of the even somewhat scandalous ones. I was hoping to find some artwork that was somewhat classy and very, very cheap to decorate our front room with, however that effort was a bust as well. The artwork was either really cheap and looked not even slightly classy, or looked somewhat classy and had a pricetag that should not be allowed in a DI. But before I get you too down I did find this little tresure...

This is a really fun game called Battle of the Sexes. You have to have a group of guys and girls to play in teams in which members of the opposite sex try to stump eachother on questions that only their gender should know. It's a ton of fun and you feel pretty cool when you can answer the questions... Like what is Rambo's first name? I found the game brandnew and basically unopened for the low low price of $2. Now that is a DI gem :)

Mom's Day

2009-05-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

I love my mom. She is crazy and quirky and down right awesome. I mean sure when I was twelve I wouldn't walk down the same side of the street with her, but I was young and stupid : )

She's great to put up with me. Here are some of the things and make my mom the best:

She's loving
She's more charitable than anyone I know
She can't sing and I still love to listen to her sing 'You are my sunshine'
She makes amazing enchiladas and spaghetti
She loves to read
She knows the scriptures better than anyone I know
She's compassionate
She loves babies
She has a sense of humor
She's generous and giving of everything
She's an amazing teacher
She's understanding
She takes care of me when I'm sick.
She's a great example to me

I know I give her a hard time and that I was a stubborn brat to raise but I'm grateful for everything she has done and all that she still continues to do for me. I love you mom!

Provo... so far

2009-05-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

I've officially lived in Provo for about two weeks now and let me tell you its thrown me some curve balls. Its so wierd. This place is like being in a bubble of over friendliness. I mean its kind of awesome, its just not what I expected. Here are some of the biggest changes...

-People say hi everywhere
-Everyone still drives like they're in Drivers Ed, myself included
-There are a lot of boys here, but like four times as many girls
-There are cleaning checks at my apartment twice a month
-You can't wear a tankini at the pool
-Pedestrians are dumb and stupid in the 84606
-I know BYU campus, and I don't even go there
-There are countless random rules

A lot of this list sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not... its just different. I'm enjoying learning life lessons that Provo is teaching me. And lets be honest I feel like this place is one continuous party its pretty awesome. Here are some of the crazy things I've seen and done so far...

Moved into a new room.

Went on a fantastically long walk where I took this gem of a picture.

Jumped into the 'closed' pool at midnight.

Made delicious HUGE sandwiches for a picnic that we're eaten not on a picnic ;)

Found our why there are so many boys in Provo.

Can find a license plate from every state just in my complex parking lot.

Negative Space

2009-05-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

I was messing around with my camara and discovered the negatives option and had a little too much fun taking pictures. I would take pictures of the same old every day boring stuff and it would facinate me. Things like a clock and a fan looked completely different just by simply changing light for dark and dark for light. I love looking at artwork that uses negative space. Stuff like drawings on black paper with white pencil. I think it would be fun if you could put on negative glasses, just to see daily life in reverse... sort of. Even blogging in negative space is crazy!

Springtime cold

2009-04-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

It was a slow day. The past couple of years I've been getting an awful cold right at the turn of spring. It's been a cruel punishment for only having a handful of colds in my lifetime. Now I seem to get a full fledged cold at the turn of every season, as if my body feels like it needs to catch up for the first 17 years of my life. I am however learning a few things. From experience and for future reference to myself, these are a few things that do not help a cold:

cookies
cookie dough
ice cream (even though it feels good on your throat)
really any form of sugar is just bad
crying does not clear out your sinus' but only adds more pressure into an already stuffy head
petting your cat that is loosing his winter coat is really just not good either
nyquil is no bueno in my book
soda pop
any sugar beverage is going to do more harm than good

Now here are some things that have made me feel better, some do more good than others and a few are just for the soul:

vitamin C - like 3,000 miligrams a day, and then drink an
Emergen C right before bed, tastes gross but does wonders
calcium (twice a day)
ibuprofen helps knock out that headache
green tea with truvia - no sugar and green tea is great for you immune system, plus its a hot beverage which helps with the sore throat (decaf) (once a day)
ramen, ramen, ramen - breakfast lunch and dinner, I don't know why it makes me feel better, but it's one of the few things I crave when I'm sick
airborne - preferably the orange flavor, but any will do (twice a day)
staying in the sunlight - instead of staying in bed in my basement I watched movies in my living room by the big windows, a little sunshine does some good. Gotta get that vitamin D
a hoodie - now this really is a funny one for me because if you know me at all, I'm always in a hoodie, but when I'm sick I like to wear that old worn out hoodie that I can't wear in public anymore because I've worn it too much
a shower - whenever I wake up sick and feel like sitting in bed all day, its always a good idea to get myself in the shower asap. Just being clean makes a world of difference, even if all your gonna do is stay home all day
Kyolic aged garlic extract - ok so this is a weird one that can be blamed on my upbringing. It is a great antibiotic and really turns a wicked 7 day cold into a 2 mild day cold, however when you take too much, you need that ibuprofen to counteract that insane headache your going to get (3 times a day)
lots and lots and lots of water, drink as much as you can, it keeps you hydrated and does a sore throat wonders

I hope I can kick this cold in a day or two, but I'd love to hear anyone's tips for how to get rid of a cold fast.

A day with Scotty

2009-04-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

My sister in law recently ran the Salt Lake Marathon and I was lucky enough to get to spend some time with my niece, Scotlyn. It was a blast, that little girl is such a riot and a doll. I went a little crazy taking pictures, I can't help the fact that I think she's so adorable :)

Dad and Scotty

Moriya and Scotty

This is one of my favorites

Happy Hari Krishna

2009-04-02T00:10:00.000-07:00

So I had the awesome opportunity to go to the festival of colors at the Hari Krishna temple in Spanish Fork Utah with some friends. Not even gonna lie it was a little bit of a let down. I went last year with my sister and some of her friends and couldn't remember having a better time. This year however the festival seemed to grow exponentially in size. After waiting for 2 hours in traffic to get there and walking a little over 2 miles to the temple I was disappointed to find that all the chalk had been sold and that nobody was throwing chalk anymore. I stared sadly at the thousands of rainbow colored people jealous that I had missed out on the fun. My gloom was shared by my friends Neff and Alyse. After wondering aimlessly around for a few minutes hoping that I might find some chalk I finally gave up and just asked some people in front of me who had a little blue and yellow chalk left to throw some on me. They looked at me like I was crazy, but I just wanted some chalk on me... I didn't come all that way to leave looking clean. Happily they through a handful of yellow chalk at my eye and another handful of blue chalk at my ear. After that I was pretty content. We went and moshed a little bit and sang some pretty awesome songs... one of them was just the alphabet, like literally abcdef... and then ended with, "And thats how you spell Hari Krishna" All the poor children under the age of five must have been so confused... I think Neff was even a little confused. We only stayed for 45 minutes and when the time came to walk back to the car I wasn't really looking forward to walking what seemed life forever to get back... So about half way I saw an empty truck at a stop light and ran to it with Alyse and Neff close at my heels and made Alyse ask if we could just jump in the back. They looked at us a little bit strange but let us hop in. That made the trip a lot more plesant. A shout out to the strangers in the old gray Toyota, you are my hero! Looking back all in all, it was a pretty awesome trip. Even though I missed the throwing of the chalk, I made some new memories and ended up smiling from ear to ear all day. I don't think I've laughed that much in a long time. One of the highlights had to be sitting in traffic, listening to Simon and Garfunkel with the windows rolled down singing as loudly as I possibly could. I'm glad Neff and Alyse were there to drown out my voice a little bit... Those poor poor people of Spanish Fork.

There in lies happiness

2009-03-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

I realized that it truly is the simple things that make life the greatest. I love to help people. It simple its fun and it leaves you with warm fuzzies. You know your life is good when you get home from helping a friend at midnight and you can make warm delicious cookies to eat before bed. I don't know why cookies taste better in the middle of the night, but I'm thinking it has something to do with the fact that the whole house is quiet and it's just my little secret... eating 3 cookies and a glass of milk before bed, there in lies happiness.

Baby hungry...? Really?

2009-03-23T00:17:00.000-07:00

So I can't figure out why I'm baby hungry all of a sudden, but I am. All my life I've felt like I've had babies around. Ever since I can remember at least. Seriously. I was seven when Moriya was born, and I had just barely stopped being a baby at that point. By the time she was three, Lia was born and she was always around to hold. Then one short year later my niece Ally was born, so then there were two babies to hold. Around this time I starting babysitting like nobodies business and then there were dozens of babies to hold. By the time the babysitting business slowed down, my nephew Brad was born and then he was the baby for a few years. An since then, about four years ago, it's been a dry spell. And then Scotty(photo) was born eight months ago, but I just don't see enough of her to be satisfied. (However, little insertion here... she is the cutest baby girl. You just can't go wrong with those Bradly genes.) And all this was realized as I was at a friends house whose parents we're watching their oldest daughters kids while they were on vacation. Looking at the adorable one year old little girl I realized that I was baby hungry. I mean, I don't know if I really "want" my own kids right now or anything like that, but seriously I just need to hold one more often. I think they are precious. Don't get me wrong, I am super excited to have my own kids, but now isn't really the right time, me being not married and all... not that I'm ready to have kids anyway, let alone be married... seriously I still act like I'm five. Now I've gone off and mixed up my words completely. In the meantime I suppose I'll just have to stay content snuggling with Charlie, who as cute as he is, just doesn't count.

Accept or Decline

2009-03-20T00:18:00.000-07:00

I got home late this evening, and by late I mean early in the morning, from Sica's house with the strong urge to check my email. I've checked it more often than I usually do the past few days hoping for an email from a certain person.... coughelysecough, but sadly there was no email from them. However, possibly even more exciting there was an email from EFY titled Accept/Decline. I am happy to announce that I did in fact get offered a position as an EFY counselor for the first week in June at BYU! I readily accepted and am now eagerly awaiting for more information. I'm still in complete awe of the fact that they offered me a position.

I sat in my interview with eight other girls who, I felt, out shined me in all aspects. Some we're more out going, others we're over my head intellectually and spiritually, not to mention I was the youngest applicant out of the nine. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Not that it was ever a competition or anything, I just didn't think I'd have a chance. Every time I think about it I have to hold back a squeal of excitement... which is followed by a wave of nervousness and nausea. Don't get me wrong, I really am excited, I'm just uneasy about being a counselor for 15 young girls for an activity I've never been to in a place I'm completely unfamiliar with. I think that I'll be more anxious than any of the girls there, and after going through the training manuel a little bit, I don't think nervous and shy are really an option for the counselor. The feeling of complete inadequacy is starting to seep in too, cracking my already delicately thin shelled ego. Faith and trust are going to have to take me a long way on this one, because the confidence is seriously lacking.

So where is the excitement coming from you ask? Because, despite all my fears of being the worst counselor ever, it is an experience that few get and that I've grown to want incredibly bad over the past six months. After they asked for my w2 and i9 form, I think I would have been more than a little crushed had they not offered me a position. All apprehensions set aside, I'm really really excited and eager to actually do it.

Swimming and French Fries

2009-03-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

Here's my awesome membership... don't I look so enthusiastic?

There was some leftover magic from the past few days that was sprinkled over today. I slept in till after noon, which is unheard of. I went to work for an hour and then I went and bought a one month membership at Holladay Lions and spent an hour and a half swimming laps. It felt so good to get some exercise and I forgot how much I love to swim laps. I'm sure I look like a dork because I have no idea how to swim strokes 'properly' but I enjoyed myself none the less. Most of the lane swimmers looked pretty legit and I felt a little out of place, but for I didn't really care what I looked like. I do however need to get some goggles, I think that would make the breast stroke a little bit easier. My arms are seriously sore today and I can't imagine how bad there gonna hurt tomorrow, but hopefully its a good hurt. I'm going to try to swim 4 times a week. I'll let you know if I can hack it.

After swimming I came home and made some delicious battered french fries in the oven. Now I know this sounds completely counter productive, but thats usually how my life goes. The fries were the most amazing fries I think I've ever had, bar none.

Just a plain old good day

2009-03-14T15:22:00.001-07:00

I like to think that today is the day that I'm coming out of my rut. I woke up at 8:30 and realized there was no way I was going to make it to work on time. Without really thinking about it, only being half awake, I turned off my alarm and rolled over hoping to get back into that elusive dream that I can no longer remember. I woke up for the second time to the vibrating of my phone. A co-worker texted me at 11:00 asking where I was. Regretfully, I got out of bed already forgetting the good dream.

I arrived at work at noon, exactly two hours late for work. I felt really guilty, but at the same time I don't think I've been late at all since I started working there again, so I tried to get over my guilt. Work flew by quicker than I would have imagined while enjoyed the lovely writing abilities of the talented Jane Austin between phone calls.

By the time three o' clock rolled around I was out of the building and in a ray of sunshine. I drove home with my window down, having the sixty degree weather blow through my hair. I don't know why today felt so magical, but it did. A combination of sunshine, good weather, and an extra two hours of sleep made all the difference in the world. Cheers to many more good days.

Frustration

2009-03-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today seemed like the longest day of my life. I can't figure out for the life of me why it sucked so bad. I slept in and then I went to work at three. I thought I was going to be able to leave work a few hours early but then I ended up having to stay till close. Then I even had to stay ten minutes late. I was so desperate to get of work, that I practically ran to my car. On the way home I got stopped by every traffic light known to man, only increasing my irritation. Then my car started making funny noises and I have to wonder how much longer my poor little sentra is going to live. I arrived home hungry, tired, and more irritated than I can remember in recent past. Look what some stupid snow and traffic can do to a perfectly good day.

I used to and still do

2009-02-26T10:52:00.000-08:00

So since my "i used to" post, I've made a special effort to do those things that I used to do. I'm not even gonna lie, my life is so busy and full that when I picked up this stuff my studies and classes definitely took a back seat, I did however manage to still turn my English paper in on time so I didn't do to bad right? Any way let me explain. So I decided that I really love to read! I was tempted to start reading an old favorite like Goose Girl or Ella Enchanted, but I decided I was determined to read something new. Since my post last week I've actually read and fiished two books and I've started a third. The first I read was The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, which was interesting and entertaining. I really enjoyed her writing style however the book was more than a little disturbing and really kind of a downer. It's the first book in what is to be a series and even though she is a great writer and I enjoyed the story, I'm determined no to get sucked in to a series that is just depressing.

The second book was Freefall by Traci Huner Abramson an LDS author that writes LDS fiction (I needed a pick me up book after The Hunger Games). So I started this book yesterday at work and finished it early this morning. I was dying in the first fifty or so pages. The romance that the author had set up was so cliche and I would actually stop reading look up and think, she can't really be writing this. However I pushed through her awkward lines having nothing better to do at work. I kept thinking, what is she going to have go on in the next 100 pages. I felt like the main conflict was finished by the first half of the book, but very creatively she created one conflict after another that seemed plausible. By the end of the book I had a little more respect for her literary capabilites. I also had a soft spot for her main character who is a twenty two year old, six foot tall, basketball playing BYU grad. And I'll give it to her. I liked that the love story didn't blossom over night. She added layer by layer on to their relationship so that by the end you knew it wasn't love at first sight or something silly, she writes it to make it seem real. The problem I have however is that when I start a book I can hardly put it down. I love that feeling and hate it at the same time. My mom and my sister can read at least three times as fast as me so when it takes my mom three hours to read a book it takes me close to nine... not even kidding. So I loose a lot of time when I pick up a book. I need to find a happy medium between reading and still living my own life.

I've also made a significant effort to listen to more music and happily, music welcomed me back without any apologies and we are once again close friends. If I'm inside, my lap top is playing music from my friends blog or my own, if I'm in my car I'm listening to some old favorite play list like Goo Goo Dolls or some good country mix. Some new favorites are Austin *click here* by Blake Shelton and the new Bella's Lullaby *click here* which I've discovered is not actually Bella's Lullaby at all but the song "River Flows In You" by Yiruma Ha. I have to learn how to play this song! If I can learn If you could Hie to Kolob and The Tales of Baracoff, I can and will learn this song. One of my favorites on the piano! Check em out! Click on

Introducing Skarlette

2009-02-22T21:14:00.000-08:00

Meet Skarlette. She is the adorable kitten that appeared on our porch early this Sunday morning. She meowed for a long time before my little sisters convinced my mother to give her a can of tuna, which she scarfed. We left a bowl of water out before going to church and then left the remainder of the can of tuna as well. The little girls we're so afraid that she wasn't going to be there when we got back but I was quite indifferent. I figured she would leave after we didn't come out to see her for an hour or two, but to my astonishment there she sat at the top of the stairs two hours later when I came home from church. I went out and after she got over the shock of the sliding door came over and into my lap. I sat out on the porch with her for a half an hour and after that I was a goner. She is the most playful, friendly, and sweet cat I've ever met. My little sisters spent most of the evening going in and out of the back door to play with "our" new kitten. Of course my mom loves her, but my dad needed some convincing. However, by the end of the evening, she was allowed to stay. Moriya went outside to say goodnight and noticed that the poor cat was shaking from the cold and decided that she could absolutely not stay outside for the night. So after clearing it with my mom she ran down to our neighbors house, borrowed a litter box and a can of cat food and is now hiding Skarlette in her room. I promised my mom I would make fliers tomorrow to put up around the neighborhood, but she's so sweet that I'm dreading having someone take her away, but I'll do it anyway. Who would of thought we would have ever gotten a pet so quickly? Even if it is only for a few days.

i used to...

2009-02-18T22:55:00.000-08:00

what can i say. time seems to continue to go by without even asking. we only have ten days left in february and then we're in march, march!? my day to day life style hasn't changed one bit in the past two months and yet there are things i noticed i don't do anymore. i used to listen to music. all the time. now i don't seem to listen to it unless i make the time to listen to music, i don't just put it on anymore. i wonder what that means. in a past post i even wrote about how much music meant to me. now it seems like its just another thing in the past. i don't know why i don't listen to it anymore. music is good stuff. i'll have to ponder on it some more. i don't swing on swings anymore. i used to go to crestview all the time, even when i didn't live at home and i'd just visit i would go. i haven't been on a swing in a long time. i don't watch movies like i used to. in fact, i can't remember the last movie i watched on a dvd. i don't write anymore. i used to write, whether it was on my blog or just writing a story, i used to love to write and escape. i don't read for fun anymore. anything i read is for school. the last book i read for fun was peter pan and as good as it was i just couldn't get the desire to read it. i've become a more boring, yet more responsible version of me. at this rate who knows how dull i'll be in just a few short years. goodness i need to move get out and get that crazy sister back in my life before it turns to black and white.

Anxiety

2009-02-08T20:42:00.000-08:00

Today I decided that I was actually going to start to catch up on all that procrastinated reading for all my classes and I realized that after procrastinating all of it for a month that there is a TON of it! I spent over two hours on homework this evening and I haven't begun to put a dent into how much I have left. How did I let it get so out of hand? Even now as we speak I putting off writing an English paper that was due 5 days ago. I'm just hoping that I wont have any repercussions for turning it in late... considering I haven't actually been to class in the last week. I spent the last week sitting on my couch trying not to be completely miserable while trying to get over the worst cold of my life. Now I'm wishing I had done some reading on that couch, all though that would have really sucked, but I should have done it anyway. My online computer class is giving me some serious stress. I kind of have no idea what I'm doing. And then there is the whole issue that I'm in debt up to my eye balls and I just spent a week off of work for some crappy terrible illness. I worked my blood pressure up just trying to catch up on some of my work today. This kind of life style is just not healthy. No wonder so many kids drop out of college. It is definitely not for the faint of heart. Well, here goes my attempt at a catch up week.

Just Me and My Music

2009-01-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

So as total inspiration from a friends blog, I'm going to put up some of my favorite tunes and let you listen to them. Now this totally isn't going to be as cool as 'friends' blog, because she has a really unique style in music that you can't help but love completely. So here are some of the songs the I <3

Runner Runner: 'Dedicate'

Secondhand Serenade: 'Your Call'

The Bravery: 'Believe'

Jack's Mannequin: 'The Mixed Tape'

Ben Folds Five 'We're Still Fighting It'

Better Than Ezra 'A Lifetime'

Infinities End: 'Wasted Tomorrow'

Sister Hazel: 'Where Do You Go'

Vertical Horizon: 'Forever'

Imogen Heap: 'Hide and Seek'

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: 'Your Guardian Angel'

10 Years: 'Wasteland'

Simon and Garfunkel: 'I am a rock'

Oasis: 'Little by Little'

Ok Go: 'A Million Ways To Be Cruel'

The Used: 'The Taste of Ink'

Snow Patrol: 'Run'

Relient K: 'The Best Thing'

Jimmy Eat World: 'Hear You Me'

Most of these are my favorite song by the group, not necessarily the most well know, in fact usually not. I tried to find decent videos and sound, but I didn't watch them all the way through so if their is something inappropriate on the video sorry! I didn't put up anything by some of my other favorites cause you've probably heard them, like All American Rejects, Goo Goo Dolls, Boys Like Girls, One Republic, etc. But if by popular demand I'm asked to do more (which I doubt) I will :) Hope you like it!

If you want to see my friends post with her music click here.

I'm a flip-flop wearin', free carin', California lovin' girl

2009-01-23T20:35:00.001-08:00

So after seeing all the amazing pictures of my sister in Jerusalem and seeing all her friends amazing pictures, I thought I better represent with some photos :) These are just some pictures of the last 3 months of my life, and looking back, they've kind of rocked. So as jealous as I am of all those people that are off on some big adventure, I'm happy to be on my own little adventure. It may not be exciting and it will not involve great stories or big romances, but none less it is my adventure and anyone is welcome to come along for the ride anytime.

My dad and me coming back from Sanfran :)

Living my dream!

Pretending to live my dream :)

Dad and me at Capitola by the Sea

Dad and me walking the coast line on a very rainy day.

Me and Lysee Boo looking hot and dressin up for Halloween. I was a fairy and Alyse was a raggle taggle gypsie..

A rainy day at Ghiradelli Square with Alyse and Kel

Fishermans warf, Alyse had to have those fish and chips.

Just above Capitola by the sea.

Me and my Bestie :)

I always knew that one day I would have the whole world in my hands.

Me becoming perfect ;) lol

The prettiest sunset I've ever seen PCH 101 in Pacifica, California.

My life ran away with it self...

2009-01-13T22:06:00.000-08:00

My life just got incredibly busy. I came back from an amazing vacation and all of a sudden my life just ran away with it self. My sister is currently in Jerusalem taking classes through BYU and she recently posted her hourly schedule of a typical day. Now granted my typical day does not involve cool stuff like going to the old city of Jerusalem or being woken up by the call to prayer, but none the less I will bore you with my boring and yet busy daily life.

6:30am Wake up to the noise of my little sisters annoying alarm clock and then proceeding to put a pillow over my ears.

6:45am Wake up to my annoying alarm clock, which I typically snooze until seven.

7:00am Officially wake up, now late, I rush to get ready in a short twenty five minutes.

7:25am Leave my house and head to classes at SLCC.

8:00am Attend a computer systems class with a professor that does not speak English.

9:00am Attend History 1700 with a very quirky professor and some very very dumb people.

10:00am Attend International Politics, the only class that shows some potential of decency.

11:00am Attend a Personal Ethics course with a professor with such a thick Russian accent that he might as well just be speaking Russian.

12:00pm Spend a sweet 40 minutes eating lunch and catching up on reading for my next class.

1:00pm Attend English 2010 with some interesting characters.

2:20pm Drive back home.

2:45pm Spend a precious forty five minutes shoving down food and packing a lunch for work.

3:30pm Drive to work

4:00pm Spend a monotonous five hours working on telephones taking surveys.

9:00pm Drive home.

9:20pm Arrive home completely tired and crash into bed after a ten hour day.

I suppose I did this back in high school, but now it seems so much longer. I'm not sure how long I will survive.

My love affair with the ocean

2009-01-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

Now I know what your thinking... First of all that is a really tacky title for a post, and its way cliche. But I couldn't come up with anything better and I need to save my creative juices for my actual post, because my creative waterfall is running dry as of late.

So I had the marvelous and blessed privilege to come to Santa Cruz for a week right before classes start. I can't believe it worked out so well. I love California from the bottom of my heart. I've been trying to figure out if everyone loves the beach and the ocean like I do, or if maybe I like it more. I've never had anyone try to explain to me how much they love it and I think I've come to the conclusion that I must love it much much more than most. Today I walked about 3 miles up and down the coast line in Santa Cruz and I can't describe to you how much I never wanted to leave. I've never fallen in love with a boy like the way I've fallen in love with the ocean. The last time I left the beach I really thought it would cause me physical pain. Every time I'm there its like I can breath just a little bit deeper. My entire life seems to be washed away and I can sit there and smell the ocean and not have to worry about anything.

So now that I've attempted to convey my love of the ocean I'm going to write my top five favorite things about nature, what I couldn't live without, things that Jesus really must have put a lot of thought and care into...

5. The Trees

4. The Flowers

3. The Rain

2. The Sun

1. The Ocean

Holiday in Holladay

2008-12-24T22:58:00.001-08:00

It seems as the years go by and I get older Christmas means less and less. Ten years ago I would still be awake, completely unable to sleep out of excitement. Now I'm still awake with back pain and zero excitement. Life unfortunately changes as we grow and we lose some of it's simplest joys. I've spent some time pondering on why this is and I've come to a conclusion. As children the world is a complete mystery, an ocean of possibility. As we age that ocean becomes a lake, that lake becomes a pond, and finally all that is left is a puddle. When your ten years old there is nothing more important or cooler than that new bike Santa brought you. Not because your egocentric, but because at ten years old that bike is going to take you places you've never seen. And when you get that car when you turn sixteen, that car is going to give you a freedom that you've been dreaming of for years. Then, less than five years later, the world doesn't seem so mysterious anymore, and that car doesn't seem to have that same feeling of freedom when you first drove it. We seem to get jaded and its harder and harder to be just happy. So this Christmas, take a step back and think what or who really brings that simple happiness into your life and cherish them.

Forgotten Yesterdays

2008-12-18T23:47:00.000-08:00

I seem to be so forgetful these days. Its like I turned 20 and there went half my brain's capacity to remember. I have a hard time remember to call friends or to meet friends or to make credit card payments or to even eat food. I tend to make plans with people and forget about them completely. I fall asleep early (except for this evening) I wake up 9 hours later. I go grocery shopping with my parents. I parent my little sisters, I make them dinner, tuck them in, and usually pick at leas one of them up from school. Now don't take this the wrong way, because I love doing all this stuff and I really love being in there lives, it just makes me feel so old. I really feel middle aged. Its like I'm in my forty's or something. I even drive like an old person! Whats happening. I need to start spending more time with some youthful and outgoing kids. I literally spent the evening doing a 1000 piece puzzle with a friend while we watched It's a Wonderful Life. I'm like a grandma! And yet, I enjoy all of it... well except the forgetting stuff. That's just annoying. If I'm like this now, what am I going to be like at the age of 30? Oh goodness, the next decade of my life should be interesting.

bad friend. angry sister. high school crush. not funny.

2008-11-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

Helped a friend. Played with a friend. Ate soup. Played with more friends. Forgot a friend. Lost my temper. Got hit on by a friend. Got hit by a friend. Made someone laugh. Got offended. Played leapfrog. Went for a drive. Laughed a lot. Felt old. Regretted a mistake. Saw a deer. Offended someone. Made someone smile. Took a test. Ate mexican food. Snuggled with a blanket. Felt young. Slept. Drank a slurpee. Had a Big Pop. Wrote an email. Wrote another. Updated my blog. Watched some football. Proud of someone. Disappointed in someone else. Sang a primary song. Played the piano. Smiled. Frowned. The End.

stop and stare

2008-11-21T23:57:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. It feels good to be home. It makes me feel like not so much time has past away, even though its passing by faster than ever. I spent some time with my two little sisters and I can't believe how grown up they're getting. Moriya is more a teenager than ever with more attitude and agnst than any emo boy I've ever met. I love her to pieces but the girl just needs an attitude adjustment half the time, than again, maybe I was like that too. I suppose it is easy to judge now that I'm not 13 anymore. Lia is acting like such a grown up. I took her to the library today to check out some books. They had books for sale that didn't get checked out often or were just really damaged. It was only like a quarter a book, so I asked her if she wanted one. I had her read the first page of a Nancy Drew book aloud to see if the book would be too difficult for her. Before she even started I took a quick glance over the page and knew there would be no way she could read it, but the book was in her hands and I thought I mine as well let her try. My jaw dropped as she began to read the first paragraph. She didn't stumble at all. She didn't even read slowly to sound out the words. She got stuck on a few, but they were difficult words (I didn't know what a portico was when I was 9 either.) I was amazed. She is still my same baby sister, but she is getting so grown up.

For some reason I felt as though today had an underlying meaning. All day I felt like the outcome of it would have some lasting effect. I still don't understand it. I didn't do anything out of the norm. I went shopping, watched a movie, went shopping again, and watched a movie again. But something felt epic about it, like those parts in movies where everyone who is watching sees the fatal, oblivious flaw that I made. I can see them all through the screen just shaking their heads at me. I could feel it all day. And then, when I left my friends house and ran to my car in the 38 degree weather, I could feel it again. In flip flops, pajama pants, and a hoodie, I had to, just like in the movies, look up at the stars and just stop and stare.

Just rambling now...

2008-11-19T00:47:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I feel as though my life went from a stress level of like 10.5 to 0.5 in just a matter of weeks. Everything that I was so worried about and stressed about all just melted away. I sold my apartment contract. I sent my transcripts to SLCC, I finished orientation. I aced my huge test. I'm finishing my final project for JCOM 2010, I got the gas bill and the utility bill out of my name. I quit both of my jobs (to move of course), I'm not worried about money, I'm not stressed about church, my life isn't crazy busy, in fact it’s rather dull. What a 180. And yet, I haven't had any stress for the past few days and I already feel a little bored. Maybe stress is good for you. A necessary part of life that brings a whole lot of trouble and strife, but not without reward. This May I'll have been out of high school for 2 full years and in those two years, I didn't stay in one place for more than six or seven months. That’s kind of sad. I feel like I just want to keep picking up and moving and starting over. It’s not like I mess things up (well at least not all the time), I just like change. It’s not that I love change, I'm just willing to change as much as I need to until I'm happy, and right now I feel like constant moving and change is keeping me as happy as I can be for the time. The next year is going to be really exciting. I can feel it.

Last Sunday in church a member of the stake presidency got up and talked about LAC's (Life Altering Choices) I tuned most of it out because I knew ultimately it was going to lead to marriage... which is the most lame topic and yet the most common topic in a singles ward. Fortunately he did deviate and talk about more than just marriage so I tuned in a bit more. He talked about how there are these huge choices we make that alter are lives forever, and we make this choices so quickly and with so little thought. Like deciding to go here or there for school, deciding to drop out of school, or just not go to school all together. Now I think these types of LAC's are pretty obvious and clearly life altering. I think something even more important than LAC's is the LELAC's :D totally made up that acronym (Little Everyday Life Altering Choices) Like, I'm going to go to class today, or I'm going to ready my scriptures, or I'm going to just be happy today. These are the choices that have a profound impact and are most definitely life altering and yet we tend to not think of them because they really are all so small. But then I suppose all of life’s choices are life altering in a little way. But some little choices are life altering in a Big way.

dance.

2008-11-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

institute dances are awkward and awesome all at the same time. i love watching people. you can always tell who is just too cool to let go and just dance. i was definitely one of those people until i realized that if your the person that is just dancing like crazy, your the one having more fun. so here is my note of advice for the day. if your going to dance, dance. don't half it like your afraid. no matter how bad you are, if you commit, nobody cares. and usually nobody is looking. so next time you are at one of those awesomely bad dances where the dj should be working in a retirement home, let loose, put your arms in the air, and just dance.

Six questions about my bed and you know me?

2008-11-06T00:11:00.000-08:00

What My Bed Says About Me

Outward appearances are very important to you. You do your best to look good and have an attractive home.
You are an organized and disciplined person. You do the right thing because you want to, not because people expect you to.
You are not very high maintenance in general, but you are high maintenance about a few things.
In relationships, you tend to kick back and let the other person be in charge.
You tend to be a down to earth, practical person.
You think in terms of what is actual.You are a bit of a homebody, but you can also make yourself at home anywhere.

What Does Your Bed Say About You?

!WaRnInG!

If your going to take it, do it before reading the following.

So I confess, I was reading a friends blog and I happened to stumble upon this survey she took and then blogged about. So I'm totally stealing blogging material here, but whats new? (Thanks Michelle :) So this survey I took was really interesting. There were 6 questions, 4 having 3 choices, and 2 only having 2 choices, which comes upon a total of 56 different specifications(if I know how to do math) of what your bed says about you. Now granted, that number refers to the specification as a whole, not each individual bullet. What I find interesting is that all the bullets seem to hit me right on. Not a few right a few wrong and some completely out there, but they all seem to be me, unfortunately (because some of the stuff isn't very awesome lets be honest.) So I though I would investigate for you all a little bit, kind of me right? (FYI Last chance to take the survey before I completely ruin it for you. FYI) So I went back and took the survey again, making sure to choose different options for each question (so I can get the little "something" it says about you in the results) My Second quiz looked as follows.

Outward appearances aren't important to you at all. You think that the over emphasis on looks to be shallow.
You try to be an organized person, but you often fall behind. Certain parts of your life tend to fall into chaos.
You are very high maintenance. You like everything a certain way, and you're grumpy if things aren't the way you like them.
In relationships, you tend to be quite dominant. You enjoy taking charge.
You tend to be a dreamy, head in the clouds type of person. You think in terms of possibilities.
You are a total homebody. You are happiest when you're at home.

And of course to cover all my bases I of course took it one more time so I could get the last results that I didn't get to the other 4 questions that had 3 options.

Outward appearances are a concern of yours, but not your primary concern. You try to take care of yourself and your home, but it's not an obsession.
Your life tends to be completely chaotic. You aren't a very organized person, and you tend to be slow in cleaning up messes.
You are very low maintenance. You tend to go with the flow, and you're easily pleased.
You are a traveler. You are comfortable anywhere, and you rarely feel homesick.

So there are all the different options you can get to each question. Now here is what is interesting, thinking back to the results of my quiz (this only pertains to people who know me :) Would you guess that my original (first results) quiz or my second quiz described me more accurately. Funny, the results that show up second are my actual original results, but I think had I received any of the results (other than my original ones) first, I could relate them to myself well enough to say it describes me pretty well. So in the end. Is every option broad enough in some way that you feel it describes you no matter what it's telling you, or does liking a firm bed really mean you are more practical?

Frustrated, Confused, Divided, and yet....

2008-10-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

So life has come a long way since I last blogged, and yet I'm still in the exact same spot... sort of. It seems like life is always so full of choices. Choices that I don't want to be making. Big ones, small ones, meaningless ones, and dumb ones. When did I get old enough to have to be making all of these choices. The worst part of it is that it's only going to get more difficult and more complicated. The choices are only going to get bigger and the consequences are going to get more extreme. What I wouldn't give to go back to the good days of deciding whether I wanted P.B. and J. for lunch or Turkey sandwich. If only my life was that simple.

But even with all my frustration with school and all the choices I have in front of me. I seem to be happy mostly. Good days are starting to out number the bad and life seems to continue to trail along even if I get left behind.

Words of Wisdom from the Dalai Lama

2008-10-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s:
a. Respect for self,
b. Respect for others and
c. Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle to the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Please Try to Rember the First of Octember

2008-09-30T22:12:00.001-07:00

So... I would just like to shove this little post in this little time frame that I would like to call the 1st of Octember. (Neatly placed and started on September 30th, but not completed until October 1st)

If your not familiar with the classic Dr. Suess book I highly suggest you go get if from the library, or even better, just go buy it, because its easily his best. Now as a child I read this book and I thought When the heck is Octember and how do I get there? For those who are feeling a bit left out, I'll aid with a breif, but what can't hold a candle to the original, synopsis. There is this young boy who lists all these things that he wants and Dr. Suess goes on to tell him that everything can be his if he only remembers the first of Octember. So he makes this list an goes through in depth these things that he wants and then by the end it just shows this kid waiting with his list until Octember.

I feel as if I have that list and I'm five years old again waiting ever so eager for the 1st of Octember. That list has gotten longer over the years and sure, somethings were scratched out for others. I traded barbies for books and books for boys. But I still feel like I'm five, jumping up and down waiting and waiting. I used to think about it all the time and I would wonder.... If their were an Octember, where would it be. I came to the conclusion as I'm sure Dr. Suess did, that if their were an Octember that it would land between September and October. But where exactly. It always goes straight from September 30th to October 1st with no time for Octember. Then I began to wonder how I could make time for Octember and what I would have to do to get my first of Octember. By this time my five year old little head was so dizzy of dreams of fountains of soda and fields of candy that I usually fell asleep.

And then, at the sad age of 13 or 14 I realized something. It didn't matter if I could find time for Octember (which I couldn't), nothing could happen and no one would ever be able to give me everything on my list. The First of Octember, which I knew was never real anyway, quickly and painfully died. Octember was never really tangible, it was just a dream, an idea that Dr. Suess shared with the world that one perticular little girl seemed to like very much. And yet, still, here I am almost 20 years old, waiting for the First of Octember.

Connection

2008-09-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

"Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone." - Hercules... (a little cheesy :) but it fit)

So today I realized that all I want is to feel connected. When life just sucks and everything around you seems to just flatten that's all you want. You want to know that somebody is on your left and someone else is on your right. Because no matter what what happens; death, success, failure, school, bad days and good your still connected. Sometimes we lose old connections and often we make new and only a precious few will hold in the end. But no matter what is lost or gained its important to look at each one with gratitude and awe. Because its times in my life like now, where I have such frail strings with so few people that I understand the importance of them. I'm reminded of the "fates" in Hercules, that use scissors to cut the string that is Hercules' life. I don't know why that's relevant or what it really has to do with anything, but I want the connections I have to be made out of whatever his string was.

Ode to Rain

2008-09-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

I woke up the is morning to the smell of rain. On that alone I decided that today was going to be good. The Logan valley is completely socked in with gray clouds that some may constrew to be dreary, but they aren't. There amazing. At a cool 47 degrees Logan is perfect. Raining all morning, my jeans are soked from walking in it all over campus. I can't figure out why I love it so much, but two of my most favorite things in the whole world are the ocean and rain... and fog. Nothing is better than being on the northern coast of california sitting above the cliffs watch the fog roll in while it steadily drips rain rain on you. Euphoric paradise.

Quizzes, Kisses, and Jerusalem

2008-09-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

Today I took a quiz in my Horticulture class. I woke up an hour early to study. I failed. The end.

Today is a full moon... Hence True Aggie Night.... Hence thousands of young adults parading themselves on top of a three foot letter A to make out with a complete stranger... enough said.

Today Elyse was accepted into her Jerusalem program, and will therefore be leaving for four and a half months.

Failing? A little.

Excited? Yes.

Jealous? Insanely.

Which answers which? I'm not entirely sure.

Sadly, there all interchangeable...

Am I excited for Elyse? Of course, and jealous, and failing... Where am I going?

Am I failing Horticulture? Sort of, and jealous of everyone else in that class, and excited to be done.

Am I jealous that I'm not on the A? Maybe? I would be excited if I was on the A with somebody that meant something... and yet I'm not and still failing miserably.

Interesting... Who should you vote for?

2008-09-09T10:10:00.001-07:00

I think most people would be surprised. I've paid enough attention to the issues to know that I'm closer to McCain's platform than Obama's, what I didn't know was there were to other canidates with higher percentages than McCain... Infact, I only matched McCain at 28%. My highest match was 45% and he's a Libertarian! oh the things I learn.

Too many thoughts, so little time

2008-09-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

I walked out my door this morning and was welcomed by fall air. I hadn't expected it. Its been colder other days of the week, but today marked the beginning of my fall. I'm sure it will warm back up again a little, but for the most part fall is here to stay. I hadn't realized how much I missed it until I walked out my door this morning and felt the cold air on my skin and in my lungs. It swirled in my lungs leaving me feeling like my insides were coated with cold clouds. I always forget how much I love to feel the seasons change. It always feels amazing. Whether its the first day of Spring, Winter, Summer, or Fall, they all hold something pleasant in them that makes you want to breathe in a little deeper.

On a different note, school has once again gone into full swing. It hasn't been bad so far, but I anticipate it will get pretty intense with the schedule that I'm working. Its good to be busy though. It leaves you less time to dwell on certain impossibilities. The only thoughts you have time for are the practical ones, and I'm grateful for the distraction.

So I had a little epiphany today and I decided that my life is a vicious vicious cycle of satisfaction, happiness, loneliness, disappointment, depression, and achievement. It seems to flow continuously. I'm not quite sure if its a good thing or if its healthy or what, but it seems pretty balanced between good times and bad.

Just several things I've discovered and noticed in my second year of higher education:

The people you miss are the people that mean the most

Nobody looks at you on campus, there all to busy trying not to meet your eyes

Sleeping with the windows open is magical

I like watching CNN... weird

Roommates come and go... only a few are worth keeping in touch with

We did not fight against Russia in WWII

Family is awesome, absence seems to make the heart grow fonder

Sometimes people surprise you and aren't anything like you thought they were

The USU IT staff actually know what their doing

An I-pod was easily one of my greatest purchases

I'm not as smart as I thought I was, there are some brilliant people that I brush shoulders with

Wal-Mart sucks, Smith's is the only way to go

Figure Skating hurts, but is so worth the effort to learn

Laundry is EXPENSIVE, so is everything else for that matter.

You can get sick of your favorite foods if you eat them too often

Reading the newspaper everyday is actually interesting

There are lots more that I can't thing of, so I may or may not do a continuation.

Nothing to say, nothing to write

2008-08-23T00:39:00.000-07:00

I keep telling myself I'm going to write... and then I never do, and now here I am a month later finally attempting to write. I came here three times wanting to write and yet the screen remained empty with the blinking cursor staring me down almost in a mocking way. There isn't anything I care to elaborate on. Just stuff.

Things I want to say but don't know how....

Work SuCkS!

Why do new roomates have to lock the door and the deadbolt? ITS LOGAN!

School starts on Monay...

Work starts up again Moday....

Its good to have more than one best friend.

The bookstore has really cute, cheap purses.

My dvd player is broken.

I could only afford 9 items at the grocery store :(

I'm missing the concert of my life.

I may or may not have flashed my neighbors by accident.

How do you hang up a mirror with out a nail?

I love that Logan is in the 60's!

My computer is slower than ever!

I keep waking up with mosquito bites on my arm... How do they even get in.... we have screens?!

I love my green fan!

and last....

I HATE when people waste my time!

always changing and forever the same

2008-07-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

Everyonce in a while you have those moments where you realize how truly small you are in the insanely large world you live in. How insignificant your life is. And yet you smile, because even though you know that the world is much bigger than you can ever possibly imagine, there it is, a nearly never changing constant. Sure time passes, the sun sets, and the world turns and it seems near crazy that we would call it anything but constant. People change I guess, but its not so much change as it is growth, which in it self is somewhat of a constant. Our opinions change, life experience gives us invaluable knowledge and yes we change and yet I still feel like in someways everything is the same.

no escape

2008-07-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life I don't want to read, write, watch or even think about anything. It's come to the point where it hurts too much to dwell or hope for things to happen. As a kid I had my ways of escape. I'd often read, in fact, sometimes I would literally hide myself in a closet or under a bed and just read until I forgot where I actually was, fully throwing my self into a fictional fairytale. Then I figured out I could write and I loved it even more, because now I was the one controlling the outcome. I took solace in books and my stories that were utterly ridiculous. For whatever reason, they helped, but now it seems they do the complete opposite. It seems like escaping is even more agonizing they actually facing reality. When did that happen? It all seems so silly and over dramatic and yet there it is.

Agency

2008-07-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

As its already obvious, my blogs of late haven't been real "chipper" and I've been trying to determine why that is. Why are people unhappy? What causes it and why does it quite frankly, suck so bad. I came to the conclusion today that everything is done by choice. We have the amazing capability to change whatever we feel or whatever mood we are in just by thinking. Now some may disagree, but that's only because they don't want to admit that they are in complete control of their happiness. You can choose to be upset by what life gives you, or you can choose to move on, be happy, and not waste time with trivial inadequacies that life tends to present.

lost

2008-07-09T22:19:00.001-07:00

I don't know what I'm waiting for, or if I'm even waiting anymore. Its almost like I lost all direction and am stuck floating in the middle of the ocean without sails, oars, or even wind. At some point I thought I knew what I was doing, where I was going, and the point of sitting her hating life in the meantime for something I wanted. The truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I'm making up my thoughts everyday. I feel as if I'm about to do something extremely reckless and yet I know I wont. Its like standing at the verge of a waterfall. It looks enticing to jump and you know that there is just water at the bottom. But you don't jump, not because your afraid, but because there are stupid rules in your head that you live your life by. You may not even realize that there their, but they are. Guiding and effecting every choice you make. Some call it intuition others its just the voice in their head, but now your standing at the waterfall and you still want to jump and the voice is gone. You wait, expecting to hear it any moment but you know its gone and yet you can still hear it echo inside your head. So here I am, standing at the waterfall deciding if I want to listen to the voice that is no longer there or... just jump.

nothiing but words

2008-07-05T15:12:00.001-07:00

Time is such an odd thing. It has the ability to heal or hinder relationships. It can make you feel old, or young. It changes people and yet leaves them the same. It make you miss people. It makes you forget people. It has no remorse, and it wont wait for you if left behind. You can't see it, you can't stop it, you love it and yet you hate it. I have absolutely no control as to how fast or slow it seems to go by. We can't rewind, and you can't fast f0rwad, and unfortunately, life has no pause button. You have one chance with every moment and that's it. It always makes me sad. Every time I try to slow down and live in the moment its just upsetting knowing its not coming around again. I think I rather enjoy the moment, completely ignorant of its significance in the broader spectrum. Reality sucks. I don't want to be a realist, I'm not a pessimist, and I don't really want to be a complete optimist... I'm kind of a whateverist. I like looking at the world the way I see it. Some parts optimistic, others realistic, and some completely pessimistic. So I'm an optirealpesimist.

Crazy... maybe?

2008-07-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm taking 16 credits this fall and working two jobs, some tell me I'm crazy, but I really think I can do it. And not only do I think I can do it I think it will be good for me. I finally wrote my personal narrative, and to be honest it is one of my favorite papers. So I'm just going to post it!

My Hiding Place

After looking out the window and seeing the coast line, I ran for the hole again, shaking unsteadily. I squeezed my seven year old body in as quickly as I could, the fear in my lungs making me move even faster. Once shoved in the small twelve by twelve gap rather awkwardly, I plugged my ears and held my breath. Closing my eyes was pointless, sunlight was completely obstructed on all sides, but I did it out of habit anyway, sometimes not knowing if they were closed or open. I could still hear the engine, muffled by my sweaty, diminutively small hands. It was too loud to be drowned out. I pressed my hands harder against my already squashed ears. I began to hum not wanting to hear the engine that reminded me that we were still moving.

I remember wondering if it was necessary to take the terrifying coastal highway to Southern California or if maybe there was some other, safer route. I asked my dad, but he always smirked and proclaimed, “This is the only way.” I never bothered to press him about it, but I knew there had to be other ways. Sometimes I think he enjoyed seeing me so frightened by the towering cliffs that raised the size of football fields. I held my breath so often when passing the cliffs that the sight of them frequently made me sick. My dad had grown up in California and could drive Highway One with his eyes closed. However, driving only feet away from the edge, the bottom of the cliffs held no comfort for me, being covered with jagged rocks that even appeared to stab the waves as they crashed on them.

I could still feel the motor home winding around and bending back into the cliffs of Highway One. My stomach seemed to be left behind, only to have it rush back making me even more nauseated. It was similar to ridding in an elevator where your stomach just drops out from under you. Despite my best efforts there was nothing I could do to stop myself from feeling the motion of the RV. At least I couldn’t see the ocean and the cliff’s edge when shoved behind the passenger seat. The thought of the edge alone caused me to begin to shake again. Finally I gasped for air after holding my breath for so long. Being close to the engine, it tasted like stagnant exhaust fumes, which only made me suck the air in faster and harder. Breathing in quickly already makes me dizzy, but combined with the engine fumes only intensified the whirling in my head. I could feel my eyes rolling into the back of my skull and welcomed it, hoping I would lose consciousness momentarily, and I did.

I drifted in and out of dream and nightmare. Sometimes I was aware that it wasn’t real, and other times I wasn’t. Over and over again I would see the mid-sized beige RV flying off the road and plummeting to the ocean and rocks below. I heard my own voice screaming and yet I knew I wasn’t. It was replaying in my head like a song that is on repeat making me more and more anxious.

I awoke from my nightmare sweaty, mildly disoriented and a little nauseated. I had no idea where I was. I began to blink my eyes rapidly realizing that they were open and I still couldn’t see. I started to panic trying to move my arms that were still asleep from being laid on. This fear was far worse than the now seemingly childish fear of the cliffs. I kicked my legs and flailed rather clumsily while racking my brain trying to figure out where I was. I began to wonder if I was buried underground, thrown unceremoniously into a coffin whilst still alive. I started to hyperventilate for the second time. When I generated enough oxygen into my lungs again, the taste of the air revealed I wasn’t in a coffin, or underground, but rather, still in my hiding place.

I could no longer hear the engine and the RV seemed eerily still. Fear took over for the third time that evening. Did my family leave me? Did we finally fall off the cliff? Why weren’t we under water? A thousand scenarios went through my head, each one making my mind spin in thought. My dad’s snoring broke my reverie and I understood that we had stopped for the night. I slowly stopped struggling so violently with my stiff limbs and wriggled myself out of the small confined space. The moon lit up the RV through all windows with a soft, cream colored, dull light that allowed my eyes to adjust quickly.

I looked back at my hole that had once given me so much comfort and solace. It now brought a new emotion, fear and the nightmare of being buried alive. My body got colder as the realization sunk in. I seemed to shrink even smaller in my already too big world and I had nowhere to run and even worse, nowhere to hide. I glanced at my hiding place one more time and knew it could no longer be my refuge from the deathly cliffs that surrounded me so often. I stood frozen, losing all track of time. I might have been there for hours before retiring to the small couch next to me, where I slept an eerie and vacant dreamless night.

I didn’t attempt to go back to my hiding place the entire trip. After being so terrified by the small confining space, I embraced the openness of the ocean next to me. The cliffs still make me nervous, my stomach still leaving me often, but nothing compared to the nightmare of being trapped, blind, and alone in my used to be hiding place.

Writers Block

2008-06-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

Whenever I hear the saying "writers block," a poem that I wrote in the 10th grade comes to mind entitled "Writers Block"

Writers block is what I get
When I try to make it fit
I cannot seem to rhyme or write
When my pen and paper fight

I can not put ideas in led
When their never in my head
My words always come out wrong
Looking stupid, dumb or long

My poems are never good
I'd write them if I could
So call me please when you unlock
The ugly black door of writers block

Its silly and ridiculous and quite frankly not an amazing poem... but I love it. The poem is really ironic to me because all of it just came to me except for the first two lines in the last stanza, I already knew how I was going to end it, and yet there I was getting writers block while writing "Writers Block" To this day, I don't care for those two lines in the poem, I suppose you could say I copped out and wrote the first thing that worked. Today, I find myself in the same situation. For some reason, I cannot put ideas in led, when their never in my head... My English paper is now due tomorrow and still have no clue what I'm going to write about. I've been brainstorming going through old blog entries, old journal entries, and even pictures. I'm about to break out old home movies to see if I can figure something out. I suppose I'll get it eventually... I have to.

Giving life meaning

2008-06-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling through this stupid personal narrative for my English class. I've been thinking about it for weeks and I still can't come up with something to write about. I feel like my life is completely vacant of meaning... which is so not true, I just can't find a defining moment that I really want to write about. I mean yes I've had defining moments but none that I really care to share with the 21 freshman in my English class. Not that I'm afraid of what they'll say, I just don't care to open up. I'm deciding if I want use some stupid experience and just fluff the three page paper... but that just goes against my ethics, I can't bring myself to write something that is vacant of real emotion, and yet I don't really care to show the class anything in my life that has had real emotion. I'm awful and brainstorming, usually something just comes to me and I know what I want to write, but I'm so lost. My head is just swimming in so much thought right now that I can seem to nail one to the wall. Usually my thoughts aren't so elusive but I have so many different mixed emotions life right now that this English paper is one of the last things I really want to write.

Where would you want to be if you could be anywhere?

2008-06-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

So I was in my first day of English class and my English Professor, Emily, was going through the role and to help her remember people she asked us the question, "Where would you want to be right now if you could be anywhere?" All of a sudden a thousand places flew through my mind, Europe, California, New Zealand, anywhere on the east coast, Seattle, Canada, Mexico... but unfortunately, my last name starts with a 'B' so of course I'm the second person on the role, and I literally have no time to choose... so I said, "Anywhere but here" which I thought was pretty insightful. But then a few kids in one guy said, "I'm right where I want to be." and I thought that was ever more insightful. I wished I could take back my answer and say that too. I really am happy where I am right now. I love Logan, I love being in school, and I'm just lovin where I'm at. Sometimes I struggle, but we struggle where ever we are. And even though there are thousand places I want to be, I really am happy where I am.... for now.

10 Biggest changes from Salt Lake to Logan

2008-06-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

Everyone has been very list-y lately, so here I am making a list. These are the biggest changes, good and bad, from moving from the very large Salt Lake City, to the rather small town of Logan.

10. No cable TV, and unfortunately no Tivo. It's a good thing most shows go on hiatus over the summer, because I'd be missing em.

9. I can control the thermostat in my apartment. It will never be too hot or too cold again :)

8. Noisy neighbors. The guys down stairs have girls in their apartment til 2 am four nights a week.

7. The Utilities bill is in my name, and some roommates don't know how to pay you on time.

6. The weather is cold! Here we are in June, and I was in snow yesterday, SNOW!

5. You learn very quickly that "It's a small world" loses all meaning in Logan during the summer. Everyone knows everyone, don't be surprised.

4. Lack of a social life. Everybody I knew from my first semester isn't here this summer.

3. Back to school, back to work. I'm taking six credits and working 20 hours, life keeps me busy, but not busy enough.

2. I have to do all my roommates dishes, cleaning, and vacuuming, they are all completely incapable of doing anything.

1. Best and biggest change: I can live on one tank of gas for two months, if I don't go home. Every thing is so close, that you hardly use any gas at all.

Nature vs. Nurture?

2008-06-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

It seems like this question seems to come up nearly every day in psychology and it iritates me. For the past four weeks I haven't been able to explain my iritation with it to the class, or to myself for that matter. I couldn't even work it out in my head and have it make sense, but yesterday I finally figured out why its such an irritating concept, because your only given two choices and to some extent their both right and both wrong. I don't think the question of nature vs. nurture even matters anymore. Clearly their has been enough studying to show that they both have an effect on people. Genetics and environment both take a role in developing who we are. So the whole nature vs. nurture thing is kind of dead but I'm neither a behaviorist nor a humanist. I think their both asking the wrong question, Its not nature vs. nurture, its agency vs. nature or nurture. Just because we have a pre-disposition to be violent, or we were raised in a violent home does not mean that we areselves have to be violent. Maybe with dogs, we can ask nature vs. nurture, but being human we have moral accountability and choice, we can't blame our short commings on our upbringing or our unfortunate genetic heredity.

I think the reason psychologists have focused so much on this nature vs. nurture concept is because as humans we want to be able to blame anybody but ourselves for our actions. It's extreamly difficult for one to take responsibilty for the mistakes they've made and then not only to correct them, but to know that you'll have to take responsibilty for all other actions in the future. I think the Locus of Control plays a much bigger role on how we react and who we are, it shapes our personality more then nature vs. nurture ever could. Do you think you are in control of your life, or do you think that others have the control in your life? Thats the more important question.

Ability

2008-06-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

“There is something that is much more scarce, something rarer than ability. It is the ability to recognize ability.”

--Robert Half

Life never ceases to amaze me. People are always surprising you and your in a constant flux of learning, making mistakes, and relearning. As I've mentioned previously, I'm LDS, and I had the opportunity to go to my new singles ward today. It was interesting, because I went alone, and it really didn't bother me that I was going alone, a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do that. Today was fast Sunday so of course, we had fast and testimony meeting. I actually had no idea where I was going so I didn't go to any classes I just went to two fast and testimony meetings in two different wards. I really enjoyed it. This guy, who for the life of me, I can't remember what his name was or even what he looks like, got up and talked about abilities.

He was so sweet and you could tell it truly was coming from his heart and he just got up and said that he was so grateful for his abilities and it hit me. I have so many amazing abilities. First I have the ones that most are blessed with such as walking, talking, laughing, running, moving, and all the other amazing capabilities that our body has. But looking more deeply I have so much more than that, I have the ability to love, dream, share, experience, grow, remember, forget, learn, even just the ability to be comfortable as who I am. Those are amazing things to be grateful for. What would life be like with out all the amazing and unique abilities that we possess? I'm very grateful for my abilities in life and what they enable me to do.

Graphology?

2008-05-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting experience happen to me at work yesterday. I was sitting in my cubicle bored out of mind like any other day when this young pregnant girl walked up to an elder women that was in the cubicle next to mine. The girl hands the women a piece of paper with writing on the top and says to the women, "My mother would really like you to read hers as well." By now, my interest has been peaked and I continue to eavesdrop on their entire conversation. The older women then proceeds to tell the young girl about her mother from this writing sample. I found it a little amusing but I didn't smile or laugh and I just continued to do my work. A few minutes later I hear the women talking to the a young guy next to her, who was probably in high school and was intrigued by the conversation as well. She asked him to write down the simple sentence "Dear Lois, Today I'm happy. Love, (signature)" The boy did so at which point she started telling him about his own character and personality.

I had to look at the boys facial reactions so I peaked around the cubicle and the boy genuinely seemed to be stunned. I went back to my computer almost immediately completely skeptical of the women, but I wasn't quite fast enough, the women saw me and asked me very sweetly if I'd like her to read mine. I smiled and politely said no, and she gave me a sly grin back and said, "Skeptical are you?" I laughed and told her that actually I was a little skeptical and that I found it some what amusing. At this point the nearly 80 year old women insisted that I let her examine my handwriting, and I wasn't about to let her have a heart attack so I obliged a little begrudgingly, writing down the simple sentence in my best cursive possible. I handed her the paper, and she began.

I must admit, I was a little stunned... but I wasn't surprised either. The first thing she said was that I didn't have a Father figure in my life which, I told her wasn't true. My dad and I have gotten along fairly well all my life. I was a bit smug after this but then, she proceeded to describe my character to me, and this is where I was a little stunned. She hit me right on the nose for the most part. She gave me back the paper and I continued working, but still had her words running through my mind like a song on repeat. Did my hand writing really say all that about my character, or did she just get lucky in observing my personality in the brief moments I had talked to her?

I mostly have to decide with the latter. I'm fairly decent at reading people and I think I could have done the same thing to someone else after observing them for several moments. Apparently graphology is actual science though, but so is ufology, so science most certainly doesn't give it actual credit. It just seems a little too fortune tellish to me. I don't think someone can tell you who exactly you are by just looking at a few pieces of your handwriting.

The Power of Music

2008-05-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

I love music. The loud, the soft, heavy, light, drums, piano, classical, rock, contemporary, country, blues, alternative, punk, even some rap. It has the power to make me physically smile, laugh, be angry, or cry. Some makes you feel like your on top of the world, and some makes you feel like your the only one there listening in a crowd of strangers. Music has often been my best friend and my only solace in a world, that quite frankly often sucks. It takes no up keep, you can leave it and come back and its never going to be offended. You can listen to something 100 times and still love it for the same reasons you loved it the first time you heard it. It has the ability to inspire or to discourage. It can help you sleep, or it can keep you awake. In can make you run harder, drive faster, or dance longer. It gives you confidence that no one else can here. Do you ever notice that people with I-pods and headphones tend to walk a little taller? You can sing along and its never going to tell you that you can't. What would life be without the melodies that seem to echo in the outer ether's of life? I think I'd rather live a life without color than a life without music. It's essential to my existence.

Tagline

2008-05-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

So I've been working on a novel off and on for the past year or so, and I think I'm finally taking off with it. I've had a lot of writers block lately, but I think, much thanks to this blog, that I've finally come through it. It seems to be flowing more and the story is just flooding out of me like I always knew it would when it was ready. Now I'm not really anticipating on getting published, in fact, I don't even plan on really trying, but I love to write and I thought I'd just share the tag line, which could probably use a lot of revision but here it is. Its just a YA novel, so don't expect anything amazing, but its been fun to write. I also may be posting small (very small) pieces of my story just to keep myself motivated. Any comments or criticisms would be much appreciated. Thanks!

We all want to live in a book, that's why we read them. But Maddison Kennzington didn't want to be in any story, she wanted to be in their story. By a rather strange course of events, Maddie finds herself thrown inside her favorite novel featuring two young adults in one one of the most unique love stories of all time, but now she cant tell where her story begins and where their story ends.

Insomnia

2008-05-24T01:50:00.000-07:00

Sleep is an interesting thing. I go to class all day thinking, all I want to do is go to sleep, then I go to work yawning and just wanting to go to bed, and then I come home, and I can't sleep... its ridiculous, but at the same time, I kind of love it. Now, this could be really wierd, but one of my favorite parts of the day is to lie awake in bed right before I fall asleep and just think... Not about anyone, or anything in specific, just letting my thoughts run away with themselves and seeing where they take me. I love to imagine and analyze my day and my dreams. Its fun to think of the future and interesting to recall the past. Its like everything can be in the for front of your brain at that time, because there is nothing to concentrate on and no pressure to memorize or listen to something or someone. Everything is there for your recall and you can pull it up like you would a file in a cabinet, tucked away for later use. The only problem is, your brain can't be shut down like a computer, it runs and runs until finally it stops and lets you sleep. Right now my brain just seems to be doing a marathon...

Social Fear

2008-05-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

I am currently taking two classes at USU right now. Just two lame generals, PSY 1010 and a Planet Earth class, easy enough right? Typically I go to class, sit some where in the back, and don't open my mouth at all. I don't consider my self to be a genius by any means, but I'm not stupid either, I'm shoved somewhere in the middle, which I am A. O.K with. So, I decided that I learn better when I'm an active participant in lecture, imagine that, so I started to speak up and for the most part its alright, but the other day in psychology I said something that was contradictory to what the teacher was saying... and the entire class turned back, looked at me while I'm trying to explain this whole nature vs. nurture and how it leaves to many extraneous variables, and as soon as they all looked back I got totally frazzeled and mixed up my words, then of course I blushed , my heart started racing and just stopped talking because at this point I had completely lost my train of thought. I felt really stupid and was really irritated. I'm not a shy person, and typically I'm not embarressed very easily. I usually don't have a problem speaking in front of people but everyonce in a while this happens to me and I hate it. I can't figure out why it happens, but I need to fix it.

Endings

2008-05-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

What is it about endings that make them so sad? Now, I realize that this could be construed as a rather silly question, endings are sad, simply because it is the end. But I want to look a little more deeply into exactly what it is that leaves you feeling so empty at the end of a movie, or a book, or possibly even certain stages of our lives. We hear the cliche, yet somewhat true sayings all the time such as, "Every ending is a new beginning,", or "When one door closes, another one opens." I think the idea of these statements is just to console or maybe open someones perspective, but I don't think they take away the sadness of it. Yes, a new beginning is exciting and exhilarating, but it doesn't take away the loneliness of missing the past. As humans, we're creatures of habit, we like things to stay the same, we're comfortable keeping things how they are. Endings are closely tied to ones capability and desire to change or not to change. I will have to confess, that endings to me are very sad. But thinking for a moment, what if we didn't have endings? What if life was in one constant, continuous stage that never changed, therefore giving you no beginnings and no endings? Wouldn't that be an even greater loss and sadness? I think most agree that it would. So with endings, they are often bitter-sweet in a way that few things are, but they are essential for us to enjoy some of the greatest experiences.

Long Time, Big Move

2008-05-13T00:16:00.001-07:00

So I moved to Logan and its crazy. My life is insane, and I'm loving it. I go to bed at insane hours, I get up early for class and I still love it! I've missed this life style so much. I moved into a pretty sweet apartment and I signed a lease for a year, so I'm pretty much here until this time next year. It should be good though. Classes are crazy, I'm working 30 hours a week and taking 6 credit hours in four weeks. Roomates are pretty sweet. Its looking like its going to be a good year if I don't die off in the first four weeks.

Happiness in a bottle...

2008-04-30T00:52:00.000-07:00

“I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls off a string.”

-anon

You know those days where everything seems to be normal, nothing extraordinary, just your average day... but this average day is filled with very little things to make it one of those extraordinarily happy days, where you fall asleep knowing that your happy because of the little things in life. Today was one of those days, and might I say it was rather marvelous. I slept in, it was amazing. I made the guy I'm love with jealous, which was spectacular, because he does it to me all the time. I had cherry seven up which is my secret love in life. I listened to an awesome upper cd- Dan in Real Life, and might I say that the bonus track the end makes my day in it self. I made $19 in one hour. I caught up with an old friend. It was over cast all day :) I put on my new duvet cover, and its a 300 thread count, and its pretty much amazing. An old friend remembered my real name. I learned something new about my brother. My holds at the library are finally there, that I've been waiting for for a month. My boss let me have an extra hour off. I talked with someone that makes me smile. My supervisor taught me how to officially spell the words: experience, difficult, personnel, definitely, accommodating, and bureaucracy. My parents bought a new car. I watched the jazz game with my dad. I got a free sandwich at work. And I watched NCIS... and I got new music from Jumpsuit Apparatus. Its pretty much been a splendid day. Nothing spectacular, and yet its one of those days that makes life so stupendously great... because its the little things that make life so awesome.

Where do I want to be April 18, 2009?

2008-04-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

“Time is not measured by the passing of years but by what one does, what one feels, and what one achieves.”

--Jawaharal Nehru

Finishing finals week of my sophomore year. Accepted into both my majors. Saving money for England. In Logan. Single. Debt free. Realistically, this will be me in one year. It is interesting how we perceive time. Right now one year seems so far away, and yet it feels so close at the same time. I'm 19, a year from now I'll be 20. Life won't seem so different, but how much do we really change in a year? Something that I think would be so awesome but completely impossible, is to talk to yourself a year ago. So at the end of your life, you have you at every age, and just talk to all of them. Would they all seem different to you? To other people? How much do we really change and grow, and how much of it is just us, how we are, indifferent and immovably part of our character? Going back and reading journal entries from years back, I find it amusing. I find myself cringing out of embarrassment for myself. Its a good thing no one else reads my journals, because I was an idiot, and for the most part, I probably still am.

We measure our life by the years we live, the days that go by, the hours spent, and the minutes that pass, but is that how we should measure it? Think, if all perception of time were taken from us, how would we measure life? Maybe the wrinkles on your forehead, possibly the gray hairs on your head, the inches we grow, or how many times we eat. I think, that if we didn't measure time by minutes, I'd want to measure it by laughter. How many times have you laughed? I'm sure I'm over 50,000 laughs old. Years don't tell anyone the kind of life you lived or the experiences you've had. The only thing years represents is the time you've spent breathing, who wants to know that? Today a guy at work asked me how old I was and I told him I was 19 and he laughed and said "I thought you were older than that." In my opinion, years mean very little. I suppose some would argue that years show experience and seniority, but life's experiences for everyone are different and who are we to tell someone they haven't lived as much because they haven't had as many years? We measure time because we know of no other way not to. A minute, an hour, a day, they are all just a figment of time that we've created to show worth, and I think we all spend a lot of "time" that's been completely worthless. So the question is, How old are you?

Am I dreaming?

2008-04-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the most bizarre days I've ever experienced. I feel like I stepped into the twilight zone. I worked a double shift at work, which already makes the day smoosh together seamlessly. Lets see if I can unravel for you. I woke around 8:50, rather begrudgingly and got dressed and made breakfast... very typical for me. I had two eggs, like always and ate them on the way, again very normal... but this is where the day starts to get hazy. I arrive at work at approximately 10:10 about 10 minutes late. The hours of 10-12 passed, and for the life of me I can't tell you what happened in that time span. Then I went and had a cinnamon roll, thank goodness for food, its the only time I actually remember my day by. After that two of my co-workers went and got high, which was amusing and strange all at the same time. Then some more time passed. Then at three I went to Paradise with a co-worker, and bought an oriental salad, which was delicious. Then I came back to work. Then I was briefed on a new survey that I was doing a pretest for Energy Solutions. Then the restaurant next door to us had a kitchen fire, and the entire phone bank filled with smoke, at which point we left the building and roamed around the building watching dozens of firemen walk the halls with their massive red axes. Then I sat on a bench with another co-worker at which point we were hit on by some guy who says that his sister is married to Gary Coleman.... he was a little bit off his rocker and he asked me for my number, and me being the idiot I am, gave it to him, but I regretted instantly so when he read it back to me, I switched one of the numbers and was like "no no, is 6792" and ran away. Thankfully my boss was waiting for me, and so I couldn't stay and talk, I've never been so happy to see him call me back to work and wait for me to get up and go in all my life. At this point I worked on this ridiculous survey about global warming and it took 20 minutes a pop. Then I went on break at which point I ate some wheat thins and a Dr. Pepper and read a book, "Lovely Bones" in the lobby, and that book always makes me think funny anyway. Then I went back to work for another 2 hours after which I left work. Then on my way home I get a text from some random number saying "Hey" and instantly I know that creepy guy from the bench figured out I gave him the wrong number and I lie saying I'm a 27 year old male who lives in Ogden at which point he stopped texting me. Then I cam home and here I am and I can honestly say it was one of the strangest days in my memory. It doesn't sound that strange written out, but in my head, it all seems like it was one of those weird dreams you have that don't make sense at all and are completely random. I'm still trying to figure out if today really happened.

When do you feel most loved?

2008-04-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

“Everyone has a gripping stranger in their lives, the man in the library who checks out your books, the teller that deposits your check, the co-worker that always smiles but you never talk. A stranger who, if you were to come home and find a message from them on your answering machine saying, "Drop everything. I love you. Come with me now," you'd follow them.”

-anon

So I was asked the question "When do you feel most loved?" by a friend today and it totally took me off guard. We always send these funny little texts to each other that ask the other questions, just random things that come up in our day. I usually try to respond as fast as I can with the first thing that pops in my head, I figure its the most honest that way... but today, I totally had to stop and think. My first answer was "when I say my prayers", but she was looking for a more "living people" response. After thinking about it for a few seconds, I really couldn't think of anything. I mean, I'm not trying to say I never feel loved, because I'm sure I do, I just can't think of when and who makes me feel the most loved. So I thought about it for a little longer and came to this conclusion. No one person makes me feel "most" loved. In fact, the moments and people that probably make me feel loved are with the people I know very little. When someone I don't know very well does something nice or goes out of their way to help me is when I feel most loved. Which is really kind of funny, you think your family and close friends would make you feel most loved, but if you think about it, and maybe its just me, it makes sense. When people who know very little about your character and decide to do something for you based on the mere fact that they like you as a person is when I feel most loved. Strangers that genuinely smile, acquaintances that go out of their way to help you. And maybe that says more about those people that help me, but that's when I feel most loved.

Things I've wanted to be when I grow up

2008-04-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

"All my life I used to wonder what I would become when I grewup. Then, about seven years ago, I realized that I was nevergoing to grow up... that growing is an ever ongoing process."

-- M. Scott Peck

A flight attendant, a doctor, a teacher, a taxi driver, a politician, a lawyer, a beautician, a writer, an artist, a photographer, an editor, a mother, a traveler, a singer, an actress, a cook, a business women, a professional athlete, an inventor, Oprah, a vet, a genius, old, a mechanic, a boss, a pilot, rich, a sales person, a counselor, a food critic, a movie critic, a critic, a marine biologist, a climber, an explorer, a director, a maid, a poet, a mk consultant, a sailor, an architect.... and there is so much more that has gone through my head over the years. Some are silly, some are exciting, some boring, some aim to high, others maybe a little too low, but I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I do. I could be the greatest food critic the world has ever known, and still not be satisfied. So, now, you ask, at the age of nineteen, what do I want to be when I grow up?... happy.

“The way to find out about happiness is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you are really happy — not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy. This requires a little bit of self-analysis. What is it that makes you happy? Stay with it, no matter what people tell you. This is what is called following your bliss.”

--Joseph Campbell

weird: of strange or extraordinary character

2008-04-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

"Everyone is weird but me and thee, and even sometimes thou art a little odd."

--old saying

Its funny how we perceive people. For example, I have a nine year old little sister and she is quite the odd one. A little awkward, never afraid to say exactly whats on her mind, a little overbearing, and completely carefree. She is such a unique individual. She'll say things that are embarrassing but true. She's not afraid to be nice to kids that are different, she herself being a bit different and sometimes I think of her as an old soul. Now at first glance and first meeting with Lia you'll think her a bit strange too and most likely some of the first adjectives that will come to mind are "immature" and "annoying". Although both are true to some extent, I find her quite intellectual and far more mature than a lot of the girls I go to college with. She is in the third grade and has a very real sense of the world. She understands that popularity means very little in life. Talking to her is interesting and can be socially very educational. She'll never be the girl that puts somebody down to make herself feel better. I can honestly say that she really is kind to everyone and has the most genuine heart I've ever known in a person. She loves to help people and the only thing she asks for in return is to be loved. So referring back to my title weird: of strange or extraordinary character. This is how Webster defines the word weird and I think it absolutely perfect. Lia is one of the weirdest people I know, strange, yes, but also extraordinary, and I only hope that one day I can be every bit as weird.

How much control do we really have?

2008-04-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

“Control your emotion or it will control you”

--Anon.

I've spent the entire day keeping myself cool. I've never had to try so hard to conrol my emotions in my life. I've been angry, iritated, furious in fact, but I'm completely aware of it, so I'm trying to see how much control I really have. The day has pretty much sucked, and I've almost lost my temper several times, but I didn't. I've been able to have complete control over my attitude. I've gotten angry, but I've let it go. I've been bothered iritated, and put down, and still didn't lose control once. Although I must say, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Its extremely dificult to instantly forgive, forget, and move on. I think I even managed to keep the go with the flow attitude.

Bulldozers and love

2008-04-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

--Anon.

I think this statement is true for a lot of people, most would just be unwilling to admit it. Whether its subconscious or not, everybody does it. Everybody wants to be loved. But we're so scared that nobody will, so we put up these walls to protect ourselves. Then when somebody gets through, it means that much more. No wonder love is so difficult, you practically have to have a bulldozer to get through to anyone.

Influencial People

2008-03-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

Just some of the many people I admire and look up to that have taught me so much. (in no particular order)

Bonnie Ray Haycock - For being quick to forgive and slow to anger.

Issac's wife Rachel - For never losing sight and her willingness to wait.

Dr. Suess - For seeing the world through a child's eyes and then sharing it with the world.

My parents - For their desire to help and to love.

Christ - For sacrificing everything.

Jeanene Davis - For her amazing cooking skills and her ability to love and accept.

Jared Bradley - For being one of the greatest peacemakers.

Anne Frank - For writing her story and being honest with the world.

Moriya Bradley - For being an amazing friend.

Cameron Grant - For going back out into the mission field.

My grandmother - For her unconditional love.

Esther - For standing up and risking her life for friends and family.

Alyse Marchant - For her love of life.

Lia Rose - For always dancing to the beat of her own drum.

Jane Austin - For chasing after her dream.

B. Heidi Marchant - For being the closest I've seen to true perfection.

Frodo Baggins - For arising to the occasion.

Joseph Smith - For his persistence in the face of ridicule.

Elyse Bradley - For her ability to stay be a constant in a changing world.

Mrs. Brough - For ability to make learning fun.

Kellie Harkness - For being able to relate and sympathise.

Thayne Davis - For his self confidence.

Michelle Pace - For not letting talent get to her head.

Ralph Waldo Emerson - For his ability to put thoughts into great words.

C.O.F. - For being a true gentleman under the surface.

Just filling the time with nothing

2008-03-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

I feel so unproductive. Granted, I am rather enjoying it, but its getting old and I still have til May 9th! I guess its not that far and I haven't really been sick of my just working life til now, so there's something to be grateful for. I spent a weekend in Logan, just hanging in the college life, and now I've spent a weekend in Provo, just hanging in the college life, and I'm so ready to re-enter the college life. Don't get me wrong, my parents have been great, but I'm so done being anti social. I watched 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls!!!! SEVEN! Sad, no like really pathetic, and the worst part of it is, I've totally been o.k. with being the person that doesn't go out, because I had plans, and I knew I wouldn't be in that situation long. I have read a ton more than usual and work, and pay off debt, but I'm ready to be productive again. This next month and half is going to be pretty awful. Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm totally making a mad run for it. All in all though, my lame little break from the real world has been good. I think I've grown and learned from it and there aren't any regrets... I'm just ready to go back to being that crazy, weird, outgoing 19 year old that I was.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

2008-03-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

-- Anne Bradstree

Life is full of surprises. Some expected, others welcomed, several unwanted, and everything else shoved in between. Right now my life is simple, I think its always been simple. Taking a step back and looking at the broad spectrum of things, my life has been rather trivial so far. I had saved the title of this entry along with the quote a few days ago so that I wouldn't lose my train of thought. I was going to write about how we all have rough times, but it makes the good times seem so much sweeter and something to that extent. Coming to the blog today, I looked at it completely different. I'm looking at all the things I've been through and the stupid things I've done, and I'm coming up completely dry. I haven't even tasted adversity, I'm not about to preach about it. I'm young, naive, but trying desperately to figure things out. Life comes in a whirl wind of colors, and I'm finding my self a little color blind at the moment. My significance means very little in the grand scheme of things. I'm reminded of the little colored bar that turbo tax showed me after filing my taxes. My chance of being audited, pretty much minuscule in comparison to the wide range of colors going from green to red. I have very little to complain about in life. So about my start over button. I'm pressing it, things are going to go down on a much smaller scale for me, but I'm keeping the birds eye view for perspective.

Always Changing

2008-03-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

“The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.”

--Aldous Huxley

Something interesting I've noticed about me is that I love change. Change in almost anything. I get bored of things I've seen too much. If you've read my blog somewhat in the past, you know that I go through about a template a month. If you know me personally I change my hand writing very often. I don't really think about it, I just kind of do it. I love trying new things, I have a lot of fun experimenting with different ideas and styles. Its fun to barrow some other persons ideas and make them your own. I feel like my life is in constant change, because I like it that way. Now I'm sure certain aspects of my life stay the same, but I really do love change. There is something exciting in being innovative and new. I love meeting new people and switching things up. I do get comfortable with somethings, but I enjoy switching em up as well.

Start Over Button

2008-03-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

“I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret… if you have any sense, and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid.”

--Katharine Hepburn

I hate that feeling of regret and stupidity. I feel like I get it more now then ever. I don't know if I'm just being more stupid or if I'm more self concious or what, but its driving me crazy. I read into every little aspect of life and I take so much out of it that my nerves are shot and and I make my self crazy with worry. I'm a nut case. I'm so over analytical and theres nothing I can really do about it. Telling my self to just let go and not care doesn't work. I hate feeling stupid. Book smart stupid, social stupid, any kind of stupid. I guess nobody likes feeling like that, but I think i've gotten more than my fair share. I just want to be done. Done caring about everything that doesn't matter. Why can't I just let go.

The undefineable feeling that death leaves

2008-03-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

""I know that they are in heaven, ... and I know that that's why this movement is growing because we have tens of thousands of angels behind us that are supporting us, that are saying, 'Well, you know we died and that was really crappy, but we hope that our deaths are going to make the world a better place,' and it's up to us to make sure that it does.""

--Cindy Sheehan (concerning the Iraqi war)

Today has been a roller coaster of crazy things. I found out that a friend from high school had passed away this morning by his own choice. When I first heard, I thought it had to have been some sick joke, not him, he's not one of those people. Somewhere inside I'm still praying it is some sick joke and that I won't find his obituary in the paper tomorrow. We weren't close, but all the same, I knew him and he knew me. He was a funny kid, able to make people laugh. I remember having a crush on him in 6th grade and telling another friend about it and it got all over school. I was so embarrassed. The utter embarrassment I experienced then doesn't come close to the sadness and regret that I feel for him and the loss of his life now. I can't imagine what he went through.

My intention isn't to pretend that he and I were close, because the truth of the matter is we didn't talk much at all, but some how in a big way I still feel so effected by his death. Death isn't something I've had a lot of experience with and it tends to leave me with a lack of words and emotions. All day I've just been stunned and continually thinking how sad and upset he must have been to make that irreversible choice and I can't wrap my head around what he must have felt.

Something that I take great comfort in was my second thought that came to mind after hearing the news. I instantly knew that he wasn't dead forever. I knew that he was watching and I had to wonder if he had known the affects that his death would have caused to hundreds, possibly thousands of friends, family and even the small acquaintances we make in life, such as old school mates, co workers, even almost strangers, if his choice would have been different. If he had known how many people really cared about his life, I think his choice would have been very different. I hope he see's the ripples that his death has made, even the small ones, and knows that people definitely cared. We were never close, but I would have wished him every happiness in life. May his family be comforted in knowing that he was loved by many, even if it was just in some small way, like a silly girls elementary crush.

Forever is an Intersting thing

2008-03-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

Early this morning sometime between the hours of five and six a.m. I lay in my bed wide awake not having any sleep from the previous evening. I layed awake for hours tossing and turning. I turned on the t.v. once or twice, but the blurring noise only seemed to deter sleep even more. After lying awake for so many hours you lose track of where your thought has taken you. Until your laying there thinking about forever. My entire life seemed to flash before my eyes in a matter of minutes, maybe hours, and then it hit me. Forever. Its a concept I can't quite wrap my head around. The more I though about it, the bigger this black hole got in my head, until I could no longer control it. Luckily I awoke this morning, or should I say this afternoon, a little more rested and clear of thought. Now looking back, I can think about it, but the black hole only seemed to come from dwelling on it for so long and so hard. To be quite honest, it was a little scary. Its not something I would care to think about again. I seem to remember it happening to me a lot as a child, this was the first time in years thats it actually happened. Maybe I really was sleeping and its a reoccuring nightmare, but that huge black hole of nothingness is more vivid then somethings I experience in the day. Or I could possibly be insane... who knows.

Family is CrAzY.... but,

2008-02-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

--Cary Grant

I don't think anyone can say that their family is "normal." My family is pretty much the furthest thing from normal. We all have our crazy quarks and idiosyncracies. I can't count how many times I've been embarrassed by my mother or how many times I've wanted to strangle my little sisters. Crazy enough, despite all of our issues, I wouldn't trade them for the world. Family isn't something that changes, if your lucky enough to keep them. Family is something very unique and quite rare. They know everything about you and they've seen you grow up all your life. I know some try and get away as soon as they can, and I definitely thought that would be me at one point in my life, but I don't think it wise to run from the people that love you the most, no matter how strange they are. I'm not one that typically gushes about family, but I think its important to realize that no matter what happens, there is always family, even if they are a bunch of weirdos. So here is my family.

Bonnie is my oldest sister, and I believe she is 32 if memory serves me right. She is married to my brother in law Mason and they have 2 kids, Ally and Brad. I adore Bonnie and Mason, you don't see many marriges these days that look healthy and capable of actually making it, but Bonnie and Mason are one of the few couples that make me believe that marrige is possible. With out them, I would have little faith in marrige at all.

Mark is my oldest brother and he turned 30 last year. He is married to the lovely Caitlin, and I pretty much like her in the family more than I like him. They have a little girl on the way thats due in June. Despite Mark's many... many quarks he's been a great example to me and I'm very proud of the person he has become.

Jared is my second oldest brother and is 28 in April. He is practically married to Jolene, who I adore. Jared is one of the most amazing people I've ever known in my life. He is rarely argumentative and will do anything in his power to make one happy. If most guys could be half the person he is, girls would be eternally happy.

Elyse is my second oldest siser and turns 22 this year. Still single, thank goodness, she is working on her Bachelors in English and should graduate next spring. Elyse and I were only two years apart in school, and grew up as friends. Although we hated eachother for a great deal of our childhood and teenage years, we were always best friends, even if we didn't show it. She is one of the most honest people I know and she has grown so much over the years.

Then there is Alyse who is two months younger than me. Although she is not technically blood related, she as much a part of my family as the rest. I've known her since 6th grade and until now, haven't gone more than a couple weeks with out seeing her in the last 7 years. We've been together through thick and thin and I can't imagine what I would have done with out her. I admire every qualty she has and aspire to be at least a quarter of what she is.

Then there is Moriya, who turns 13 this year. She is the funniest girl. We never hung out much, because of the 7 year gap, until I moved back home for a couple of months. I don't know when it happened, but I blinked and she grew up. She is an amazing listener and I relate to her so much, but not because I'm a good listener ;-), because I'm not. She is the sweetest girl, and she has got looks that can kill. She's 13 and she gets hit on by some of my college buddies(they didn't know she was 13, she doesn't really look it.)

Last to round it out, is Lia. She turns 9 in May and is the most loving little girl I know. She is a little crazy and could probably kick the energizer bunnies trash in a race. She is very excentric and fun loving. Although she can be a little overbearing to some, her heart is always in the right place and I admire her in many ways.

My mom, Laurie turned 50 this January and is now offically on the back 9. I didn't fight with her much, but we didn't really talk a ton either. She is an amazing worker and is very creative and compassionate. I think my mother would do anything to help someone in need and has done more to serve others in one year than most people do in a life time.

My dad, Mark is 56 this April. He's been one of my greatest heros. He's really kind of crazy and a little odd, but extremely outgoing and loving. I think I'm most like him out of anybody in my family... the good and the bad. Growing up my dad would say "I love you" all the time and its something I now see as invaluable as a child. He's never been perfect, but through the years he seems to get closer and closer.

And there you have it. We are a rather large and crazy bunch of people, who probably don't see eachother often enough, but they probably are the very few ties that I will have forever.

Venting about society

2008-02-13T23:31:00.000-08:00

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

--Oscar Wilde

I think Mr. Wilde undoubtedly very wise. There is very little left in this world of originality. We see movie after movie with the same plot and we read book after book with the same story. We see styles or ideas we like in other people, and we adopt them ourselves. In essence, each individual is a walking conglomeration of somebody else’s thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. It is said that mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, so why do we get so upset when someone imitates us? People enjoy saying their original, or that they were the "first" to do or say something. Everybody wants to be a trend-setter, but we like to be in control of who follows that trend. We build on top of what our predecessors have already done. As children we frequently hear the term "copycat", and I can't remember a time when that term wasn't derogatory. The same idea seems to hide behind diferent expressions. Interesting how the world continues to turn and two things rarely change. The first being pride, and the second being hypocrisy.